Monday, April 27, 2015

Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.