I've been in the hospital two weeks now. Baby Rivi and I have made it to 31 weeks pregnant, which is amazing. The goal is 3-4 more.
I'm struggling today. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, today is dreary and rainy and I just want to be home with my family and warm by the fire with our dogs. It's weird, bc I know the hospital is the safest place for Rivi, and I know the doctors fully believe in hospital bed rest after PPROM bc the risk of infection for him or I is way too high to risk going home and not making it back in time, or not catching something wrong early enough. I know the monitoring 3-4x a day is very important for baby. I KNOW all of these things. Yet it doesn't really make being here any easier. Mostly bc I feel ok. I'm not in pain or really uncomfortable and I FEEL like I could be home on bed rest. (Realistically how much would I stay in bed w/ a Juniper and dogs and chores?). So I get it.
But this sucks. I just went to the hospital gift shop before it closes for holidays and got something for Renee and Chris, and a few things for Juniper. Bc I feel like I'm totally slacking for Christmas. There won't be any Santa laid out for my girl, there won't be the Christmas morning food and treats I had planned or leaving cookies for Santa and his reindeer... and even though I know I have next year, it hurts. And I know she won't remember, and I know Chris could do it all without me, but it just feels all wrong. And so, so sad.
Ultimately all I want is this baby boy to be safe and healthy and a very short Nicu stay. I want to hold him and cuddle him and know that all of this was not for vain, but for his very livelihood. I hopes he's planning on being a mamas boy because he's already made me worry so much he's never leaving my sight ;)
Hope ya didn't come here for a happy, positive, uplifting read, bc I don't have it in me. I know it could be worse. I know others have it way worse. I know I'm blessed to have amazing doctor care and loving supportive husband and a mother in law who jumped on a plane to immediately come help with Juniper. It just doesn't feel like Christmas. Bah Humbug
Friday, December 23, 2016
Friday, December 16, 2016
PPROM
PPROM
Preterm premature rupture of membranes. My water broke Saturday 12/10/16 in my sleep at 5:30 AM. At 29 weeks 1 day pregnant. I calmly got dressed and asked Chris not to come to the hospital with me because Juniper was sleeping and we all know how important toddler sleep is. I also assumed they would tell me I peed my pants and to go home. The nurses probably assumed that would be the case too. After they confirmed it was amniotic fluid the entire mood in the room shifted. The nurses were nervous glancing. This changed things. This was hospital bed rest. This was premature baby. This was no going home to see my girl and husband. I cried. Hard. Ugly cried. I almost felt bad for the nurses and doctor, but I couldn't control it.
I was told no matter what we won't keep Rivi in past 34 weeks bc it's too dangerous for him and myself. No matter what we're looking at here, there's going to be a nicu stay. Statistically labor happens within 48 hours of PPROM, and the rest within a week. I'm holding hope that I am one of the few who make it weeks.
This only happens to 5% of women without a pre-existing medical condition. I am one of the 5%.
I won't go into details of the emotions over the past few days or even now, because I don't want to type them and relive them or even share them yet, maybe ever. But they were far, far from positive.
I've had IV of antibiotics, Rivi has gotten his steroid shots for his lungs, and we were on every 6hr monitoring. On Saturday my amniotic fluid was a 12 (normal is 5-22). So low end, but okay. I couldn't go home bc risk of infection and preterm labor was too probable.
Today at 29w6days (in 2.5 hours we get to say 30 weeks!) Rivi had an irregular monitoring session. His heartrate was dipping like crazy. We got the ultrasound guy in here and his amniotic fluid is down to just 2.5. I am on constant monitoring now and the worry about my premature baby is back full force. Every ache, every pain, every tightening or cramping of stomach and I'm worried that labor is beginning.
I'm trying to make this update be factual, not emotional. I'm not ready to share or address these emotions. All I can say is, this is hard. This sucks. But every day Rivi stays in, is another day to a healthier baby and a shorter Nicu stay.
At this point I have no control, and no idea what may happen. Depending on how baby is doing I will possibly be having an emergency c-section. I wanted vaginal. Babies can't suckle/nurse until 33 weeks, I wanted to breastfeed desperately. All I want now is healthy. My tiny love will be on a CPAP for breathing and a feeding tube until we can get him old enough and strong enough to nurse. And only having those two things is absolutely best case scenario.
We were told to get helicopter insurance (so we did). If he needs a procedure we will have to be flown to Portland. My mind can't wrap around all of this. I can't process it yet.
So that's the gist of details for those who have been wondering the medical/technical side. They are currently setting up a delivery area in my room, where as they don't believe it will necessarily be tonight, but when things change they change quickly and they want to be prepared.
Right now I'm savoring the hour or so that I see Chris and Juniper a day, and hoping/praying this baby stays inside and grows stronger for a while longer. I know the NICU journey will be much more difficult than the bed rest journey, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.
Thank you so much for all of the flowers, calls, txt, messages, comments, prayers and love. They're so appreciated.
Preterm premature rupture of membranes. My water broke Saturday 12/10/16 in my sleep at 5:30 AM. At 29 weeks 1 day pregnant. I calmly got dressed and asked Chris not to come to the hospital with me because Juniper was sleeping and we all know how important toddler sleep is. I also assumed they would tell me I peed my pants and to go home. The nurses probably assumed that would be the case too. After they confirmed it was amniotic fluid the entire mood in the room shifted. The nurses were nervous glancing. This changed things. This was hospital bed rest. This was premature baby. This was no going home to see my girl and husband. I cried. Hard. Ugly cried. I almost felt bad for the nurses and doctor, but I couldn't control it.
I was told no matter what we won't keep Rivi in past 34 weeks bc it's too dangerous for him and myself. No matter what we're looking at here, there's going to be a nicu stay. Statistically labor happens within 48 hours of PPROM, and the rest within a week. I'm holding hope that I am one of the few who make it weeks.
This only happens to 5% of women without a pre-existing medical condition. I am one of the 5%.
I won't go into details of the emotions over the past few days or even now, because I don't want to type them and relive them or even share them yet, maybe ever. But they were far, far from positive.
I've had IV of antibiotics, Rivi has gotten his steroid shots for his lungs, and we were on every 6hr monitoring. On Saturday my amniotic fluid was a 12 (normal is 5-22). So low end, but okay. I couldn't go home bc risk of infection and preterm labor was too probable.
Today at 29w6days (in 2.5 hours we get to say 30 weeks!) Rivi had an irregular monitoring session. His heartrate was dipping like crazy. We got the ultrasound guy in here and his amniotic fluid is down to just 2.5. I am on constant monitoring now and the worry about my premature baby is back full force. Every ache, every pain, every tightening or cramping of stomach and I'm worried that labor is beginning.
I'm trying to make this update be factual, not emotional. I'm not ready to share or address these emotions. All I can say is, this is hard. This sucks. But every day Rivi stays in, is another day to a healthier baby and a shorter Nicu stay.
At this point I have no control, and no idea what may happen. Depending on how baby is doing I will possibly be having an emergency c-section. I wanted vaginal. Babies can't suckle/nurse until 33 weeks, I wanted to breastfeed desperately. All I want now is healthy. My tiny love will be on a CPAP for breathing and a feeding tube until we can get him old enough and strong enough to nurse. And only having those two things is absolutely best case scenario.
We were told to get helicopter insurance (so we did). If he needs a procedure we will have to be flown to Portland. My mind can't wrap around all of this. I can't process it yet.
So that's the gist of details for those who have been wondering the medical/technical side. They are currently setting up a delivery area in my room, where as they don't believe it will necessarily be tonight, but when things change they change quickly and they want to be prepared.
Right now I'm savoring the hour or so that I see Chris and Juniper a day, and hoping/praying this baby stays inside and grows stronger for a while longer. I know the NICU journey will be much more difficult than the bed rest journey, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.
Thank you so much for all of the flowers, calls, txt, messages, comments, prayers and love. They're so appreciated.
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