Friday, January 13, 2017

Finding balance.

This. Is. hard. Have you ever had something that makes you question how strong you are? Makes you think to yourself "I can't do this. How can I possibly do this. Why do I have to do this. How did this even happen?!" I thought bed rest and being away from Juniper was hard (it was) but having a baby in the NICU is far, far worse. I am so tired. I am so overwhelmed. I am so conflicted with dividing time between both of my children. I am so, so sad. I am recovering from a c section. I am pumping every 3 hours as premie babies should NOT have formula. But my supply is so low. I am stressed. I'm so thankful the hospital has donor breast milk to supplement with my own, but what about in a couple of weeks? My baby needs my milk. Leaving Rivi in the hospital when it's time to come home rips me open all over again. I stumble through the icy snowy parking lot in tears and have to pull it together when I get to the car, because the roads are far too dangerous as it is to add in my emotions.

My current day:
6:30am pump - juniper awake - play
9:30-  pump - shower - pack for hospital
12:30 - hospital - pump - cuddly my baby -
3:30 - pump and home
4- play with Juniper - start planning dinner
6:30 - Juniper bedtime and pump, then I eat
7- back to hospital
8:30- 9:30 power pump while I get to hold Rivi
9:45 -wash pump parts and head home
Sleep for an hour
11:30 pump
3:30 allow myself a 4 hour stretch, pump
6:30- awake and pump

I need sleep. I know there is an end goal, I know all the cuddles with baby will help him grow (his heart rate lowers to a steady pace and his breathing stays calm once they love him from heated bed to my chest ❤️)

The occupational therapist came in today and went over all the things to expect with a 2 month premature baby. That's when It actually hit me, I have a 2 month premature baby. Of course I knew that, but I didn't think of the long term implications. I didn't know sounds and lights and smells are 50x more vivid for a premature baby and that I'll need to limit noise and lights and get rid of candles/scented soaps/ etc. once baby is home. I didn't realize his milestones would be "two months adjusted", and when he's 2 months old we will treat him as a newborn, and 4 months as a 2 month old, so on. I'm terrified. What if I mess something up. What if my baby comes home confused and overwhelmed.

I'm exhausted. The 2.5 hours at a time that I sleep at night are restless and uncomfortable, because it's just hard to sleep cozy after abdominal surgery. My mind races with time frames and what needs to happen tomorrow.

I know I need more rest, Chris is so amazing and supportive. But mamas please tell me, when have you ever actually taken the time to "get rest"? We know our babies come first. It doesn't matter the toll.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful baby made it to 33 weeks instead of being born when my water broke at 29 weeks. I am trying to focus on how thankful I am, and not become bitter. I've questioned enough WHY did my water break. WHY did this happen. I'll never ever have those answers. But I do have a healthy tiny baby who is working hard to come home with his family.