I spent many years of my life refusing to let myself be happy. Believing that if I truly allowed myself that freedom of just loving life, that it would hurt all the more when the next blow hit. Whenever a family member would relapse, or get in trouble, it totally blindsided me. I never knew when she wasn’t sober. I would be happily skipping through life, only to be struck in the kneecaps with bad news. I would derail. I would drink. (Not that drinking is BAD, but hidden vodka in your room in high-school is bad) Skip school. Block out everyone. Ignore my friends. Not speak to family. Go on super loud car rides and scream the lyrics to The Used (I still do this 😂) but still, I didn’t have very good coping skills.
That’s more personal than I wanted to get but I felt a little back story was necessary to get this point across, I am so, so, so grossly happy. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid the universe will strip it away, never to be found again. I now finally know that I will find it again. We lost our dog last week, I have some health stuff, but these things no longer prohibit me from happiness. Life isn’t perfect, and if I have anything to thank my imperfect life for, it’s that after 31 years I’ve finally learned to roll with the punches. There is something so freeing about being yourself, and being happy with that self. Not letting outside influences determine what makes you happy or what makes you tick.
I’ve also discovered with this happiness, that others don’t know what to do with it. I’ve had good friends kind of confused by it. Or who try to point out the negatives in a situation when I am trying to see a positive. Why do we do this to each other? I’m at a point in my life where I ONLY want to lift each other up. I only want to be surrounded with positivity and love and big dreams. I’ve even found myself FAKE commiserating with people, because I guess it’s just not normal for someone to be sleep deprived and chunky but still having sunbeams shooting out of their face 😂. I’m sarcastic and self-deprecating by nature and by habit, but y’all, I’m HAPPY. I have my kids. My amazing husband. My family. My golden old friends and my shiny new friends. But none of them are the SOURCE of my happiness. I’ve just finally found it and it feels pretty amazing, I hope you find it too. 💕
