Keeping it real.

I’ve had a few different posts I’ve been wanting to make lately, but life is short and free time in my life is even shorter, so I decided to lump it all together here. 

I am not a saint. When I am extremely stressed out I am kind of known for dropping the F bomb. I know I should never do this in front of the kids, but.... I’m human and it has. 

Juniper, Rivi and I rushed to the post office Monday right before nap time (strike #1) and both of them were on that slippery slope of losing all rationality when sleepiness takes over.  The line was out the door (strike #2) but I had just lugged them and all of the packages out of the car and I was determined to make this work. Midway through line and Juniper starts getting antsy. I quietly bribe her with a cake pop because I was daydreaming about coffee anyways. Let’s just say ... she did not earn a cake pop. On the way to the car I’m holding Rivi on my hip and carrying a kicking and screaming Juniper out to the car surfboard style - when she calls me a name. 

Ok. Back pedal. Her new thing when she is frustrated is to make up a stream of insults to call you. Luckily she thinks “middle” is a bad word and it usually goes “you stinky angry mad bad middle boo boo boob guy mad middle head.”  Whatever, kid. Get it out. Well ...

In the post office parking lot on a very busy day, getting a few stares because of my wailing toddler, Juniper screams “I WAS BEHAVED ENOUGH FOR A CAKE POP, FUCK HEAD. “

I’m in total disbelief. I have better insults than that, so she’s definitely never heard me call anyone a Fhead. I try to ignore it and somehow strap her into the car seat (anyone notice how a tantrumy toddler legit turns into an octopus? For some reason there’s extra arms and legs and wrestling them into the car seat is nothing short of a miracle. Anyways. This is where she calls me the name again. I think she’s more afraid that I’m being totally silent. 

I slam her door because I can have attitude too, Juniper. ;) 

I squat down below the window where she cannot see me, and I laugh harder than I have in my entire life. Until tears are streaming down my face and I’m having to catch my breathe. Because WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?? I get in the car silent still and she’s pretty concerned. We talk about name calling, she knows that one is a huge no, she loses tv for the day, and all is well.  

Which leads into story #2. I’ve been ready to take away all screen time for a while but needed the motivation. That was my motivAtion. (Also reading that article where screen time to kids is like cocaine to adults). I told Juniper the doc called and explained how bad TV is for our brain and that from now on she can only get one show in the morning while I make breakfast, and then it’s off for the rest of the day. My child is a brand new child and were only on day 4. She plays again, she’s kind, there has been no name calling. She’s sleeping better, eating better, interested in crafts and learning and constantly wanting to be outside. It’s amazing. Not going to lie, a little more exhausting for me. But it forces me to stay present, put my phone down, and really BE with the kids all day.  I go to bed way more exhausted, but I have a little more pride in our day.  Worth it. 

Which leads me to my closing story. Recently I stepped out of the shower and asked Juniper to bring me a towel, I had wet curly hair and clearly was naked, she walks in and says “here’s a towel mom, oh wow, you look like MAUI”. (From Moana. I’ll include pic). I was thinking ok, maybe this isn’t so bad. So I said “I look super strong and powerful?!”  And she says “No mom. You have crazy hair and a squishy tummy”.  (I made sure she knew I was proud of my squishy tummy that grew my babies ... but still hurt a little 😂) 

Life with toddlers, y’all. Just keeping it real. And forever keeping their parents humble. 

(Ps - Rivi is a chill angel baby who I can’t get enough of. He’s independent and learning to tantrum so don’t worry, he will get some more blog time soon enough :) 

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/5/54/Maui.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20161226102355

LIVE YOUR TRUTH

I learned a huge lesson in 2017. Live your truth. I heard it echoed again in Oprah’s phenomenal speech at the Golden Globes last night and thought I would expand on what it means to me. In 2017 I decided that I would not be fake, not for anyone. Not to gain new mommy friends. Not to keep old friends. Not to fit in where I don’t belong. I like the woman I am, and the ever-evolving woman I am becoming. I will not apologize for myself, my beliefs, my husbands career, or how I raise my children. I’ve said a few times that 2017 built me instead of breaking me. What I mean is that - I realized what’s truly important to me. The 5 weeks Rivi was in the Nicu - I FELT myself evolving. I felt my fierce mama bear come out as I decided - this is the only thing that is important. Through tears one night I told Chris - THIS is all that matters. My children. My husband. For me to be the best mother and wife I can be, for me to live MY truth, I had to let go of all the other outside factors I had deemed important. Were my friendships and family important? Absolutely. Are they MORE important than my own and my children’s well-being? No. It was that simple to let go. I could not maintain cross country relationships at the same level that I had been trying since we moved away, it was exhausting.  I thought that “looking” like a good mom was important. I tried to buy mom clothes and have makeup on before I left the house, and I hate both shopping and applying make up. I would apologize for my weight. Why am I apologizing for my appearance?! I have major thyroid problems and I enjoy carbs. No apologies necessary.  Last year I stopped wearing makeup altogether and it was so liberating for me. THIS IS ME. My true self. Literally. Freckles and all. Take it or leave it. I want my children to grow up knowing that whoever they are inside - in their soul - when living their truth - that it’s ok to be that person. I don’t want my loud, loving, smart, strong-willed, demanding head-strong daughter to lose those attributes because I and society spend years telling her it’s not acceptable behavior for a girl. Strong-willed, loud, smart woman are who literally change the world. I want my babies to grow up knowing that they have the power to help change the world. So this is my goal for 2018 - continue to live my truth. Whether it’s ugly or hurtful or painful or beautiful and liberating, be who I am. Feel what I feel when I feel it, with no apologies. Stand up for what I believe in, fight for what I believe is right, while loving and respecting those arouund me. I hope in the process my children will learn valuable lessons about what is truly important and that they too, will learn to live their best lives, being true to their selves. 

Potty training gave me shingles

Let's talk about potty training and stress! Oh my gosh y'all, I was a nervous wreck. Juniper is almost 3 and I just WANTED this for her. I was dreading the arguing and the battles and the pee on my couch. She's a strong willed girl with a huge opinion of her own on how she wants things done... I just knew it was going to be awful. None of those things ever happened. Juniper was super motivated with Halloween candy and was totally trained in 3 days, never had an accident,and on a pretty decent sugar high.

Day 3 I had a killer headache and neck/upper body pain. I thought I was coming down with the flu or slept wrong or extreme pms - I couldn't tell - but I was miserable. The next day I thought I had 3 bug bites on my side below my bra - super random!? Then a rash developed so I assumed I was allergic to the bug bites... except it felt like I was on fire. The next day the 3 "bites" were tripled to a cluster of 10 and it hurt for my clothes to touch or anything. It dawned on me it had to be shingles.

I went to urgent care on Saturday where they told me it was an allergic reaction and to use hydrocortisone. I was SO UPSET. I've had allergic reactions and I know what they feel like.  It also made me feel crazy that 1. No one was listening to me and 2. That maybe I did make up how bad it hurt?! I called my doctor Monday to get me in asap.

I go in today and another two sets of "bug bites" have started - my doctor saw my side for one second and said "absolutely classically textbook shingles"..... relief that I can finally get better AND that I'm not crazy. Unless you stress so hard over potty training that you give yourself shingles.... maybe a little crazy. But in my defense - Rivi isn't old enough for the chicken pox vaccine and I've been super worried that the longer I go untreated the more likely he is to get it.

Moral of the story - POTTY TRAINING IS STRESSFUL AND SHINGLES REALLY HURT.


Ps  shingles is the chicken pox virus that stays dormant in your body/nerves for the rest of your life if you've had chicken pox before. 1 in 5 will develop shingles if they've had chicken pox although it is most common in older people. It's becoming more prevalent in younger people and they believe it's because of stress - and because of the vaccine.

They say ya can't go home

Visits back to Ga for me are so bittersweet. I love seeing family and friends. I love showing my kids where I grew up. I love sweet tea. Hunting lightning bugs with Juniper is a new favorite memory. Having my first 1-1 time with Rivi while Juniper plays with family has been special too. But nothing ages me more than coming "home". Nothing makes me as introspective. I left as a young 25yo with not a lot of cares and this visit I am back as a 31yo mom of 2 with a ton of responsibilities. When I last lived here I could meet you at a bar on a whim, I could stay up late, I could even make plans! When I visit now, my days are quick and sporadic outings planned between bottles and naps and sleep schedules. Even more so than when in Oregon because my kids are also on a different time zone. I feel like I have constantly had to explain why I can't do something or go somewhere. It annoys other people. My baby gets HANGRY and screams in restaurants until I need to leave and wait outside with him. Which leaves a toddler upset and crying for mama ... which means while others enjoy their meal, I'm hanging outside with two young kids who are over it. ( not fun FYI). Rivi is too distracted on the go and he won't eat, which equals a super fussy baby and us up all night feeding to make up the calories (not so fun, either). It doesn't annoy me though. I wouldn't trade this stage or wish it away. It's hard. I'm so exhausted. I barely ever have time to dry my hair and I'm covered in spit up and snot every single day. If I move out of Rivis line of sight for a second he has a meltdown. But jesus it goes by quickly and I'll miss it so damn much. I'll miss Rivi burying his face into my neck. I'll miss Juniper asking "hold you mama" and "let's go chat bout it". and "dis fun mama bear". One day my life won't revolve around bottles and naps and I know I'll yearn for it. I won't wish this away. So friends, I miss you! It's not personal. I'm just nose deep in mama/baby hood & my babies needs will always come first. ❤









Well, I came a long way to be here today
And I left you so long on this avenue.
And here I stand in the strangest land
Not knowing what to say or do.
As I gaze around at these strangers in town
I guess the only stranger is me.
And I wonder, yes, I wonder,
Is this the way life's meant to be?
—Electric Light Orchestra, "The Way Life's Meant to be".

Let's talk about PPD/PPA

PPD and PPA is 20-40% more likely with a baby in the Nicu. I coped okay during the actual Nicu stay, numbing those feelings down with the hospitals donuts. (😱) and getting by on sheer exhaustion, only crying during the car ride to and from home. Once Rivi came home though, the donuts were gone, his inability to nurse was real, and my sanity was GONE. I felt as if I had lost myself and was drowning in motherhood.

Before Rivi was put on reflux medicine we spent hours of our day with him screaming, whether in pain or because he was so hungry but it hurt him to eat. Add in a very jealous toddler, a Mama who didn't get a chance to take care of herself post emergency c-section, and a baby who was only quiet if he was asleep, and I was at my wits end. I cried. A lot. Breastfeeding is very important to me, and having to let that go probably causes the most anxiety. Rivi having random bouts of vomiting and ending up back in hospital, that caused a ton of anxiety. I remember around 3am one morning and Rivi had been screaming for 4 hours. I knew Juniper would be up in 3 and that I was looking at another day with zero sleep. I cried while looking out the window and seriously longed to just drive away. I clearly couldn't help my screaming baby so he would be better off without me anyways. The thoughts were so strong that I knew it was time to get help. I scheduled a PPD appt immediately. This is huge. I didn't want to be medicated. I didn't want any reason to retain/gain more weight. But my need to be healthy mentally for my children was greater than my dislike of medication and weight issues. Unfortunately for me, the doctors office really dropped the ball here. My first two appts they scheduled when the doctor wasn't even in, so when I arrived, I was went sent away. (And since getting showered, dressed, both kids happy and settled for me to go to the doctor took all day, this really sucked) The third appt was cancelled last moment. I'm so thankful that I was in an ok enough mental state to wait out these cancellations. I kept thinking "wow, if a Mama was worse off than me this could be a really, really bad thing". In the meantime I started meditating again. Not for long, just a few quiet moments through the day to focus and regroup. "In with the calm, out with the chaos" was/is my mantra. I hate yelling at Juniper. Yet I found my exhaustion huge and my patience thin and I was ashamed of how I was parenting.

My PPD/PPA felt like a black hole. Everything was a blur and I was in a very dark place. I barely remember any details from the first 2.5 months. Add in where you are *supposed* to be totally loving your new life with your sweet newborn baby and not be overwhelmed and sad and anxious, and it only worsened.  I did have the blissful newborn experience with Juniper, after her nicu stay and kidney scare. We had time to stare lovingly into each other's eyes, nurse around the clock, and nap together everyday after our sleepless nights. I think this helped me to recognize I wasn't in the same place when Rivi was home. Had I not experience that with Juniper, I may not have known something was "off".

Eventually Rivi started screaming less (reflux medicine 🙌), eventually little by little I felt the black hole starting to chip away. I literally felt as if every few days a bit of light would shine back into my darkness. Maybe I was able to blow dry my hair. Maybe I got laundry and dinner and cuddles done without feeling it was all overwhelming and impossible. Maybe both kids took naps and whining was minimal. I remember about a month ago when Chris said something funny and I laughed... and it turned into crying. Happy crying. It was the first time I could recall laughing since put on bed rest in December. Another light shining through.

I found myself singing along to music again, instead of numbly going through the motions of the day, more of the darkness chipping away.

Some days are still hard. Having a toddler a a newborn is no joke. Having very few friends (who are still brand new to you) in a new state and being 2,000 miles away from family and YOUR people, the ones that get you, is really hard. I still don't complete all the tasks on my list and I still lose my patience, but the light is shining again. I'm happy and hopeful and no longer wanting to drive away into the night.

I feel as if the nicu robbed me of bonding with Rivi, and then not being able to nurse him made me feel even further away. The endless hours of screaming where I could not help or seem to comfort him made me feel like a total failure as his mother.

I felt like I dropped the ball daily (and I probably did) but there was no rebound for me then. One hard morning spiraled into a hard day, evening, and night. I recently saw a quote that read "was it really a hard day? Or was it a hard 5 minutes that you milked all day?" It's helped to remind me that we can always turn our day around.

PPD and PPA is so common, and so many moms (like me) are afraid to ask for help. Afraid to acknowledge that this job of motherhood, that our bodies are literally made for, could be so difficult. Ashamed that while others are experiencing a blissful newborn experience, we are 2 minutes away from lots of tears at any given moment.

Meditation has been my most helpful tool, I am able to calm when stressed, be in the moment, and be aware of myself when I may be slipping and not taking care of my mental health.  Having a husband who although has no advice (sweet man) but will tirelessly listen to me vent and talk through my emotions really helps a ton. Of course all of my friends through txt support have been a life saver.

I'm able to appreciate the little moments again. Rivi is such a ham. He loves to give big smiles over and over until his little cheeks are red and he's just giggling! Juniper just walked past me carrying a canned la croix and a bag of chips 🙄and I had to smile at my toddler teen.

Please friends, pay attention to your mental health. Mommin IS hard, but if you find yourself feeling like you're in a very dark place, that there is no hope, or that your children are better off without you, please seek help immediately. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Our hormones are changing and we're now in charge of a baby (or a baby + siblings! 😱) and it IS overwhelming. ❤

In with the calm, out with the chaos.

Twice since Easter weekend has Rivi been in the hospital. Blood work and IVs and Mama crying helplessly as my baby is poked and prodded. Add in the worry of what the tests may show and the fear of needles and I'm basically just hyperventilating in a corner. Seeing my tiny babe all hooked up to monitors and tubes sends me right back to the NICU where I developed some real postpartum anxiety.  Last weekend we were sent to the hospital as my baby was tested for leukemia. It was a very false alarm and a bad misjudgment on the doctors behalf but it was the scariest hour of my life waiting for those results. This baby just hasn't had an easy entrance into the world. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis, amplified when he is sick, is out of control. I've recently started meditating again. Meditative breathing first thing in the morning and then focusing on what our goals are for the day. Peace. Calm. Patience. Empathy. Kindness. "In with the calm, out with the chaos". We had the best few mornings we've had in quite a while since I've started this again.... Skip ahead a few hours to Rivis routine 4 month appt as we find out that he needs surgery. I kept it together. I stayed calm. I didn't hyperventilate or cry. I asked questions and was told we can't really discuss the plan until after he has an ultrasound. It's a small surgery. (He has a  hydrocele in his testicle that has become herniated. Very common in premature boys. They warned us in the Nicu that if it didn't heal on its own and it became herniated that surgery would be required). I know we're scheduling another event where my baby will be poked and prodded and have an IV and monitors and my mama heart wants to run for a corner and scream and cry and think of how unfair this is. (While the more rational side knows that it could be worse. It could always be worse, and that life isn't fair). I've got to reach deep for some inner peace.

So there's our update. Rivi Roo you are the smiliest, happiest little love. Our family is complete with you. You're growth is right on track and the doctor isn't worried about you otherwise at. all. Your sister refers to herself as your "Super doctor Juju!" And likes to "save the day!" to keep you safe. ❤

Nothing ever goes as planned

I've spent about a week accepting this, and the same amount of time even deciding if I could share or not. But it's nothing to be ashamed of so here goes: Rivi and I's nursing journey is over. And it's heart breaking and a relief all at once. I've battled with supply since the very beginning. Super common with nicu stays and the stress level but I was so damned determined. I was taking absurds amount of fenugreek, alfalfa, malunggay leaf, lecithin DAILY, and prescribed Reglan. I ate all the oatmeal and avocados and salmon and drank so much water I couldn't stand it.  I pumped every 2-3 hours and constantly had lactation remind me I wasn't making enough. I rented the hospital grade pump for 300$ plus $65 additional month.
I. Was. Making. My. Self. Crazy... and depressed.

Rivi nursed on and off for 6 hours the other night. I at first thought it was cluster feeding and then realized - he was just too weak to transfer any milk. He cried, I cried, and I gave him a bottle and felt totally defeated. But he was fed, and happy, and it was still breast milk. Then I went to pump .... nothing. A FRACTION of what I was used to getting, and as I cried and cried I admitted to myself.. I'm done. The thought of even pumping or nursing became something that made me feel naesous. I would dread when Rivi woke and needed to eat because I couldn't produce enough for him. Bc my nipples were cracked and bleeding and raw from the relentless hours of trying to make this work. The guilt of knowing I nursed Juniper for a year and wouldn't have the same relationship with Rivi.

Everything about Rivis entrance into the world has been stressful. My baby will only be this tiny once, and instead of enjoying his sweetness and cuddles and being thankful that he was finally home, I was full of anxiety over wanting him strong enough to nurse, and of me needing to pump more. Poor Rivi. And poor Juniper who sat and waited while I pumped, nursed, topped off with bottle, repeat.


There is nothing wrong with formula. This isn't a "I'm so depressed my baby is on formula" post, this is about me having a goal set (to EBF my baby) and having to give up. I felt like a quitter. But ...

The most important thing is a happy and healthy baby, and a happy and healthy mama. More importantly, a mentally healthy mama. I was sleep deprived and angry and making myself sick over breast feeding. Now that we're done, and I've used the rest of the frozen milk and transitioned to formula.. we. are. great. My baby and I are finally bonding. He's happy and fed and having much more wake time because he isn't over exerting himself at the breast. I am able to be present for both of my kids, and it feels so great.

At first I wanted to write this to justify why I quit. Instead I want to use it to say.. it's okay. We're all doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given. I wish someone would have told me it was okay instead of "pump even more!" Or "eat X Y and Z" or "your supply just isn't enough for your baby can you get donor milk?"  and "your chest is so large I can't believe they are inadequate". I felt judged and defeated and not good enough for my baby. I felt inadequate. Y'all. Im telling you. Breast milk is amazing ... but a mentally healthy mama is much more amazing for her baby. You do you, boo 😘

Thank you to my friends who have told me it is okay.  That I was doing enough. That I was enough for my babies. Thank you for checking on my baby and my mental health. Thank you for getting me through the worst. And for anyone else going through the same battle... I'm telling you... ITS OKAY.