Thyroid 🙄

I've spent 7 years trying to figure out how to "feel better" and lose weight. More important than the weight gain, was figuring out the exhaustion, muscle pain, and swollen face. I started out on synthroid in 2010 where a doctor told me "bad news! You have hypothyroid and need medication for the rest of your life. Good news! You will lose the weight you've gained and the brain fog will go away and you will feel amazing" I was young and naive and I believed her. I did no research. Just trusted her and my little synthroid pill. I then gained 50

More lbs. Everything hurt. I couldn't concentrate or focus and my nannying jobs that I loved went from fun days to work. I spent 3 years like this until we moved to Colorado and I switched to Armour thyroid. (It's natural dessicated pig thyroid and isn't often prescribed without some pushing from the patient.). I switched and felt so much better. I still

couldn't lose weight. I still couldn't grow my eyebrows back. But my body didn't hurt and I had a little more energy so I took it as a win. This pregnancy I wasn't responding well to a higher dose of armour. With many tears and frustration they convinced me to take a small

Dose of synthroid along with my armour. Fine. Your synthetic drugs that gave me serious depression. I'll do it because this growing baby needs it. Fast forward two months in, and regardless of normal

Pregnant symptoms and exhaustion, I am starting to feel like the old me. The energetic, motivated, OPEN EYED me. (See pic!). My eyebrows are growing back. Last pregnancy I was already up 15 lbs at this point (I gained a total of 55 and didn't lose any after Juniper was born, only the 8lbs of Juniper!) this pregnancy I am down 6 lbs. which is insane considering I can't lose weight even when I TRY. (Don't worry baby is healthy!) I don't know why I'm responding this time around, the doctors believe it's because I was under medicated while in Atlanta. So will this feeling better stick around after baby and we totally switch my meds? Who knows. But for a girl who had totally given up on losing weight, seeing her eyelids or eyebrows again, or not hurting all day, it gives me HOPE!!!! And life is a lot less dreary looking with renewed HOPE! 

Road trip to Oregon! W/ a toddler!

I've read SO many blog and advice posts on "best ways to road trip with a toddler" and "traveling with toddler made easy!"  Y'all, AINT NOTHING EASY about a 20hr car ride with a 19 month old. NOTHING. 

We made it through, she did way better than I could have ever imagined. (Also what kid can be in the car for 11 straight hours and not fall asleep? MY KID). 

She also got non stop iPad usage and portable DVD player. While I stand behind "we couldn't have done it without it", when we got home is was absolutely time to do away with any and all screen time. (Also drastically changed our diets because no matter how hard you try, it's really hard to eat healthy on a 7 day road trip). 

Day 5 into our new rules, and I'm not kidding, Juniper is my sweet fun toddler again. We laugh and sing and play and she PLAYS ON HER OWN again for the first time in months. We're probably reading 50 books a day, but it beats her tantrumming for the iPad and I love reading to her. 

We (I) was getting lax about her food choices. If she refused fruit I would just give her a cracker. If daddy had chips, she could share chips. She would tantrum in kitchen and refuse all healthy snacks and meals and I would just give her something else and let her win. After our trip I started reading about ideal toddler eating and snack schedules (we decided on one where the AM snack can be a simple carb like graham crackers, but the after nap one must be healthy such as yogurt or melon or apples and peanut butter/ cucumbers and ranch/ etx. I also moved dinner to 5:30 so that we wouldn't be giving her an extra snack in there to buy time to a later dinner. Oh my gosh, every night this week she's eaten all the veggies she has refused for months (and second helpings, too!) 

In the morning I used to give her a cup of dry cereal to hold her off until I was awake bough to cook breakfast, then she started refusing real breakfast, snacking all morning, and not eating a good lunch.  I skip the cereal and make my lazy pre caffeinated self make breakfast, and for the first time in months she's eating eggs and smoothies and toast and things she's refused for a while now. 

I went through my first trimester in this pregnancy being so miserable that I was just trying to get through. "Curious George and bad snacks and let me vomit in peace!"  This was immediately followed by a virus that the whole family picked up and then our week long trip. The mama guilt was real and strong. I came home and journaled and prayed and whined to

friends and decided it's time for changes. For Juniper and for myself. 

I hope this doesn't come off as a brag post. Because if Ive learned anything about being a mama, it's that I'll be struggling to figure my child out again by Friday and at my wits end and needing to start all over. But that's just life, we do the best we can with what we've got and if I can go to bed each night knowing that I tried my best, I'm counting it as a win. 

I can't say when or if I'll allow screen time at home again, I know when we travel next week I'll pull out the iPad and cookies to get through the flight. When we have this second baby and I'm exhausted and learning to juggle 2, I'm pretty sure Curious George will be my babysitter.  I can say without a doubt, our child absolutely does life better without television or iPad and thrives when we spend the day outside, reading books, coloring and crafting. 

Ps - Bend, Oregon is absolutely beautiful and I'm pretty excited this is where our adventure leads us next. A small mountain town with all the perks this city girl enjoys (whole foods, trader joes, foody non-chain restaurants). As well as 17 miles to the ski lifts at Mt. Bachelor, and minutes from kayaking, hiking, cross country skiing, and a ton of river-side craft beer. 

(Just realized this is our first trip EVER where Chris and I didn't take a single selfie 😱)

It's. A.......

BOY! 

Oh my heart already feels so full. I had no idea how much I wanted this baby to be a boy. I even told myself I really wanted another girl. But I got the phone call today that this tiny baby that is wreaking havoc on my hair, digestive system, bladder, and sleeping habits is indeed a wittle boy. I knew it was, though. For the oddest reason. When we picked Juniper's name it clicked. We just knew she was Juniper Grace. Before pregnancy we had said a little girl would be Scarlet, but as soon as I was actually pregnant I despised the name. (No offense). She was 100% a Junipe Grace and I've never doubted or regret her name. This time around, we had zero ideas for a girls name. Because what can be as good as Juniper? ☺️ but we were 100% set on our boys name. Two strong family names that mean a lot to us with a cute little nickname. I told Chris just this weekend "I know it's a boy, that's why it doesn't matter what we think of for a girls name". 

 My only only bittersweet thought is of having to get rid of the boxes and boxes of Juniper baby clothes that I saved. I'll go through and keep all of her sweet Holiday smocks and anything that just holds a special memory. It'll be hard to let go though. Luckily most is going to a good friend and that makes me feel better about it. 

Life with an older girl and a baby brother. Just like my brother and I. We've had more downs than ups. I pray for a better relationship for my children. I know siblings will fight, but I also want them to hold each other as their first best friends. Someone who they can call as adults when I'm being ridiculous about one of them wanting to miss Thanksgiving to go to their girlfriends family house instead. I am your mother, you come spend Holidays with mama! 😂 

He will have all of Juniper's old girl toys, that doesn't bother me at all. I nannied boys for a good 6 years, and truly thought I would have no idea what to do with a girl. Now, I feel the exact opposite! 

We have so many changes coming up between now and babies arrival (new state, sell our house, buy a new house!, find new doctors, and most importantly Chris dreams coming true of owning his own business). I'm terrified and apprehensive and excited and proud and did I say terrified? 😂

Something about knowing the babies gender today has calmed a lot of my nerves. We have so many unknowns, and it feels good to have one less. 

  

Ch-ch-changes

My sweet girl is growing and changing so fast. She's talking up a storm! I wanted to write a few of her cute/toddler stories before I forget them! 

Today she threw a plastic cup at the dog -as she was yelling "I sowwwwwie!" 

She had a babysitter while I had a dr appt this morning. She is usually very shy and saves her words for mom and dad. At snack time Mrs Nancy asked

"Do you want a cracker or yogurt?" 

J - cookie 

"I'm pretty sure you don't get a cookie for snack. Yogurt or cracker? 

J- cookie peeeeeeaaaazzzzz 

"Juniper ....."

J - peas peas peas peas. 

Girlfriend used her manners to play a sitter and get a cookie for her snack. Trouble y'all, trouble. 

I've had some awful morning sickness. All day long sickness. Death sickness. Juniper will pat my back, kiss my back, slowly back out of the bathroom, then run through the house making gagging noises 😂 

She's so much fun. I want to savor every second but it's constantly changing and evolving. Baby #2 will add into the mix next year and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. I'm enjoying every last day of this just me and Juniper time, and I hope she will love being a big sister! 

16.5 months, my girl.

- You will only eat with a fork/spoon now. This started last week. I am so proud of you and your determination and those fine motor skills, and you DO eat a lot more when you use a fork because you enjoy the process, but man... Meals take like an hour each now ;) 

- You really enjoy having sunscreen put on. I'm not sure if it's the act itself or bx you know it means we're headed outside (which is like your heaven) but whenever you find one (or you go take it out of the diaper bag) you bring it to me saying "more more more "sunsunshine". Which is cute ALLL in itself 😍

- You have decided that your toots are really funny. You make sure daddy is around and near so that you can laugh together. Not my favorite thing, but I have to admit it's cute. Haha. And gross. 

- You LOVE graham crackers and melon. You run to the cabinets and say "crack crack cracker" and when you've had enough for the day and mommy tells you no, you run to the fridge and say meyon. 

- Your vocabulary is amazing to me. I used to run to my notebook and list every new word, but I've finally stopped doing that as maybe it was a little much (haha) and I can't keep up! You can say at least 20 animal sounds and well over that many words, although you are very selective of what you say and when. You're favorites are "no" and "more" and "gah" and "bath" and "all done" and "byebye" and "outside" ("shide") 

- "gah". No idea where this came from, but it's your word for water. We thought it was just for your particular water and cup, but you call pools, lakes, rivers, bath tub water, all "gah". 

- we went on vacation to Santa Fe, NM last weekend and you slept through the night and napped. It was heavenly. We have so many fun trips coming up and knowing you can hang and we can all sleep makes life a little easier :) 

- we love you more than words can say, baby girl. I wish I could pause time and that you will always want mommy around as fiercely as you do now. I love the nighttime cuddles when you ask for "one more" song or "gorgorilla" (goodnight gorilla - you're absolutely fave book - we do the motions of the lady making a shocked face and you crack up and wait for it every single time.) You make even the simple so beautiful and that's the ultimate in life right? To enjoy it all. Every little bit, right down to the routine and mundane. 

. 

Reflection: Rounding 30 fast ....

In exactly 3 weeks I will be 30 years old. 30 years old!!!! (Pause for dramatic effect and a tear or two....) 

I'm not actually sad to be turning 30. I am in a much better place than I was at 20, or even 25, I'm definitely more mature, and I have my husband, home, and baby! I AM sad that my entire life I've viewed 30 as so old and now here I am. At its doorstep. I don't feel so old. I feel as if my life has only just begun since getting married and having Juniper. I actually still look around and wonder "how the hell am I an adult? Who is letting me adult?!?!" I schedule doctor and dentist visits, and oil changes, (currently sitting in the lobby now). I go grocery shopping and plan menus, IVE LEARNED HOW TO COOK. All these things that at a young age you know will come eventually, and then BAM, it's here and you've learned how to be a self sufficient adult without even realizing what was happening. How did that happen? What point along the way did I go from barely knowing how to boil water to birthing a child and making sure our family has well-balanced meals that I prepare?! 

I spent a little while after having Juniper trying/wanting to fit in with the other moms. Wanting their acceptance. Wanting mom friends and play dates for Juniper so badly that I was buying the more boring mommy looking clothes (no offense) and not quite being myself. Not telling people what Chris did for a living because for some reason in year 2016 in a legal state people still judge you when your husband grows pot for a living. Only in the past few months did I decide fuck that. I was raised to be proud of who I am. I'm quirky and sarcastic and I have a lisp and unruly hair. I like bohemian clothes and bare feet. I don't care for makeup and most days you'll catch me without any. I'll never own khakis or high heels as long as I can get away with it. (Khakis - never. Ew. ) I have a huge heart with so much love to go around and I'll always be there for my friends. I started to feel not good enough. Because of other people ... Why would I hide who I am to meet a few stuffy judgemental moms? I don't WANT those people in my life. Y'all, since I decided not to care, I'm all kinds of free and happy. 

It's hard being in a different state. My best friends, the ones that love Juniper regardless of having barely met her, the ones that love me exactly as I am, are 2,000 miles away. Thank goodness for social media and text messages and air planes :) I will eventually find a mama tribe that isn't quite so far away, but until then I won't sell myself short. More importantly, I won't sell Chris short. He busts his ass for me to be a stay at home mom. I'm proud of him and his career, and anyone who can't at least respect that isn't good enough for me. 

So good bye 20's, bring it on 30! I'm exactly where I should be and looking forward to the future. Happily married and in love with my best friend, raising a beautiful baby girl, girl friends near and far who lift me up, supportive loving family, and finally finally not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. Hallelujah! 

Children's Museum

I've taken many kids to the children's museum (in Atlanta and Denver) and have always loved seeing them grow and interact there! Today I finally took Juniper because after 3 days stuck inside with snowy weather (yes... I know it's May) we were going to lose our minds if we were stuck inside any longer! This was apparently EVERYONE ELSE IN DENVERS IDEAS AS WELL, but at least we got there as soon as they opened at 9 and had a good 40 minutes because packed mad house ensued. 

Juniper was very out going and didn't get timid until it was VERY busy and overwhelming, she's coming out of her shy phase and I'm equally relieved and saddened! I'm not going to lie, the shy Juniper was a little more cautious and less dare-devil. Sighhh... 

I promise she had fun! When she was laughing and running full speed ahead my hands were too full to have my phone out :) 

The children's museum just finished a huge renovation and I have to admit I liked the old toddler area better. It was a little outdated but the play areas were really cute and practical. Instead of the tree house, the pretend garden, the little market, and the tables they now just have a big super modern pretend dentist area. It's creepy y'all. Teeth blocks and mice running around with teeth and I think they just went way over board with the dentist theme. One small area would have been fine! But the part of the toddler area that is the same is my favorite, juniper loves the stuffed animals and tunnel and stairs to climb. We had a fun day! She's currently in her crib NOT falling asleep, I imagine her little mind is doing its own blog version of our day. 

Have I mentioned I love being her mommy? Juniper - I love being your mommy. You bring me so much joy and I'm so thankful your daddy is providing so I can experience these days with you.