In with the calm, out with the chaos.

Twice since Easter weekend has Rivi been in the hospital. Blood work and IVs and Mama crying helplessly as my baby is poked and prodded. Add in the worry of what the tests may show and the fear of needles and I'm basically just hyperventilating in a corner. Seeing my tiny babe all hooked up to monitors and tubes sends me right back to the NICU where I developed some real postpartum anxiety.  Last weekend we were sent to the hospital as my baby was tested for leukemia. It was a very false alarm and a bad misjudgment on the doctors behalf but it was the scariest hour of my life waiting for those results. This baby just hasn't had an easy entrance into the world. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis, amplified when he is sick, is out of control. I've recently started meditating again. Meditative breathing first thing in the morning and then focusing on what our goals are for the day. Peace. Calm. Patience. Empathy. Kindness. "In with the calm, out with the chaos". We had the best few mornings we've had in quite a while since I've started this again.... Skip ahead a few hours to Rivis routine 4 month appt as we find out that he needs surgery. I kept it together. I stayed calm. I didn't hyperventilate or cry. I asked questions and was told we can't really discuss the plan until after he has an ultrasound. It's a small surgery. (He has a  hydrocele in his testicle that has become herniated. Very common in premature boys. They warned us in the Nicu that if it didn't heal on its own and it became herniated that surgery would be required). I know we're scheduling another event where my baby will be poked and prodded and have an IV and monitors and my mama heart wants to run for a corner and scream and cry and think of how unfair this is. (While the more rational side knows that it could be worse. It could always be worse, and that life isn't fair). I've got to reach deep for some inner peace.

So there's our update. Rivi Roo you are the smiliest, happiest little love. Our family is complete with you. You're growth is right on track and the doctor isn't worried about you otherwise at. all. Your sister refers to herself as your "Super doctor Juju!" And likes to "save the day!" to keep you safe. ❤

Nothing ever goes as planned

I've spent about a week accepting this, and the same amount of time even deciding if I could share or not. But it's nothing to be ashamed of so here goes: Rivi and I's nursing journey is over. And it's heart breaking and a relief all at once. I've battled with supply since the very beginning. Super common with nicu stays and the stress level but I was so damned determined. I was taking absurds amount of fenugreek, alfalfa, malunggay leaf, lecithin DAILY, and prescribed Reglan. I ate all the oatmeal and avocados and salmon and drank so much water I couldn't stand it.  I pumped every 2-3 hours and constantly had lactation remind me I wasn't making enough. I rented the hospital grade pump for 300$ plus $65 additional month.
I. Was. Making. My. Self. Crazy... and depressed.

Rivi nursed on and off for 6 hours the other night. I at first thought it was cluster feeding and then realized - he was just too weak to transfer any milk. He cried, I cried, and I gave him a bottle and felt totally defeated. But he was fed, and happy, and it was still breast milk. Then I went to pump .... nothing. A FRACTION of what I was used to getting, and as I cried and cried I admitted to myself.. I'm done. The thought of even pumping or nursing became something that made me feel naesous. I would dread when Rivi woke and needed to eat because I couldn't produce enough for him. Bc my nipples were cracked and bleeding and raw from the relentless hours of trying to make this work. The guilt of knowing I nursed Juniper for a year and wouldn't have the same relationship with Rivi.

Everything about Rivis entrance into the world has been stressful. My baby will only be this tiny once, and instead of enjoying his sweetness and cuddles and being thankful that he was finally home, I was full of anxiety over wanting him strong enough to nurse, and of me needing to pump more. Poor Rivi. And poor Juniper who sat and waited while I pumped, nursed, topped off with bottle, repeat.


There is nothing wrong with formula. This isn't a "I'm so depressed my baby is on formula" post, this is about me having a goal set (to EBF my baby) and having to give up. I felt like a quitter. But ...

The most important thing is a happy and healthy baby, and a happy and healthy mama. More importantly, a mentally healthy mama. I was sleep deprived and angry and making myself sick over breast feeding. Now that we're done, and I've used the rest of the frozen milk and transitioned to formula.. we. are. great. My baby and I are finally bonding. He's happy and fed and having much more wake time because he isn't over exerting himself at the breast. I am able to be present for both of my kids, and it feels so great.

At first I wanted to write this to justify why I quit. Instead I want to use it to say.. it's okay. We're all doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given. I wish someone would have told me it was okay instead of "pump even more!" Or "eat X Y and Z" or "your supply just isn't enough for your baby can you get donor milk?"  and "your chest is so large I can't believe they are inadequate". I felt judged and defeated and not good enough for my baby. I felt inadequate. Y'all. Im telling you. Breast milk is amazing ... but a mentally healthy mama is much more amazing for her baby. You do you, boo 😘

Thank you to my friends who have told me it is okay.  That I was doing enough. That I was enough for my babies. Thank you for checking on my baby and my mental health. Thank you for getting me through the worst. And for anyone else going through the same battle... I'm telling you... ITS OKAY.

My baby girl is 2!

I wanted to make a 2yr update for Juniper, and I want to brag on my daughter. Just a no holding back, proud mama brag blog. I want Juniper to look back on this one day and know that even though I'm hyper focused on getting Rivi home, her amazingness did not go unnoticed! These last 7.5 weeks have been insanely hard on all of us. Some days chris and I are barely getting by. That being said, I can't imagine what Juniper is going through. She doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what's going on (or does she?). We can explain all day but she doesn't know what "mommy is in hospital until further notice" means, or "mommy has to leave you and go see Rivi at doctor and when he's all better he gets to come to our house". It's all just been so much for her. She hasn't taken it totally in stride, she's given up naps, her tantrums last a little longer and are a little harder to tame, and when she's mad she's started throwing things. A lot of that is just being 2, as well.

She had her 2yr appt last week and the doctor was blown away by her vocabulary. She told the doctor all about "Baby Roovy" being with the doctor and needing boobie milk and having a bed and blankets and coming home "laler".  When it's time for me to come visit her brother she says "ok mama take Roovy milk and come back". Before all of this, mama couldn't walk out of the room to pee, much less tell her good bye. She's full of so much empathy, she doesn't like when she hears anyone crying, and when I was recovering from surgery she was so sweet and careful and helpful. "Your booboo hurt mama? I sowwy. Need doctor? Need medicine? I be doctor Juju" ❤ Melt. My. Heart.

Today she told me that her diaper hurt her vagina 😂 and that she wanted to sit on the potty. We've never discussed the potty. Life is too hectic right now to add potty training into the mix. Well daddy let her sit on the big potty and I got the little one out for her. She sat on it for a few minutes and forgot about it. This evening when I came to see "Roovy" Juniper asked daddy to take her to sit on the potty. And. She. Peed. In. It. As much as I hated to not be home for it, I'm so so proud of her! (And proud of daddy because he got a video for me 😂 and celebrated with ice cream. He's pretty good at this dad thing)

Juniper Grace you amaze me every single day. You are kind and smart and silly and strong willed to the point of exhaustion but that could just be the not napping! ;) you love to color (your face and hands) and paint and play with blocks to "build houses". Chasing Harper is your fave pastime and your current favorite foods are blueberries, pasta, and bacon 😂😩 (sweet girl you don't eat meat at all. We've tried and given up. But if daddy makes bacon you are all over it). We love you so, so much.

Finding balance.

This. Is. hard. Have you ever had something that makes you question how strong you are? Makes you think to yourself "I can't do this. How can I possibly do this. Why do I have to do this. How did this even happen?!" I thought bed rest and being away from Juniper was hard (it was) but having a baby in the NICU is far, far worse. I am so tired. I am so overwhelmed. I am so conflicted with dividing time between both of my children. I am so, so sad. I am recovering from a c section. I am pumping every 3 hours as premie babies should NOT have formula. But my supply is so low. I am stressed. I'm so thankful the hospital has donor breast milk to supplement with my own, but what about in a couple of weeks? My baby needs my milk. Leaving Rivi in the hospital when it's time to come home rips me open all over again. I stumble through the icy snowy parking lot in tears and have to pull it together when I get to the car, because the roads are far too dangerous as it is to add in my emotions.

My current day:
6:30am pump - juniper awake - play
9:30-  pump - shower - pack for hospital
12:30 - hospital - pump - cuddly my baby -
3:30 - pump and home
4- play with Juniper - start planning dinner
6:30 - Juniper bedtime and pump, then I eat
7- back to hospital
8:30- 9:30 power pump while I get to hold Rivi
9:45 -wash pump parts and head home
Sleep for an hour
11:30 pump
3:30 allow myself a 4 hour stretch, pump
6:30- awake and pump

I need sleep. I know there is an end goal, I know all the cuddles with baby will help him grow (his heart rate lowers to a steady pace and his breathing stays calm once they love him from heated bed to my chest ❤️)

The occupational therapist came in today and went over all the things to expect with a 2 month premature baby. That's when It actually hit me, I have a 2 month premature baby. Of course I knew that, but I didn't think of the long term implications. I didn't know sounds and lights and smells are 50x more vivid for a premature baby and that I'll need to limit noise and lights and get rid of candles/scented soaps/ etc. once baby is home. I didn't realize his milestones would be "two months adjusted", and when he's 2 months old we will treat him as a newborn, and 4 months as a 2 month old, so on. I'm terrified. What if I mess something up. What if my baby comes home confused and overwhelmed.

I'm exhausted. The 2.5 hours at a time that I sleep at night are restless and uncomfortable, because it's just hard to sleep cozy after abdominal surgery. My mind races with time frames and what needs to happen tomorrow.

I know I need more rest, Chris is so amazing and supportive. But mamas please tell me, when have you ever actually taken the time to "get rest"? We know our babies come first. It doesn't matter the toll.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful baby made it to 33 weeks instead of being born when my water broke at 29 weeks. I am trying to focus on how thankful I am, and not become bitter. I've questioned enough WHY did my water break. WHY did this happen. I'll never ever have those answers. But I do have a healthy tiny baby who is working hard to come home with his family.

Bah Humbug

I've been in the hospital two weeks now. Baby Rivi and I have made it to 31 weeks pregnant, which is amazing. The goal is 3-4 more.

I'm struggling today. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, today is dreary and rainy and I just want to be home with my family and warm by the fire with our dogs. It's weird, bc I know the hospital is the safest place for Rivi, and I know the doctors fully believe in hospital bed rest after PPROM bc the risk of infection for him or I is way too high to risk going home and not making it back in time, or not catching something wrong early enough. I know the monitoring 3-4x a day is very important for baby. I KNOW all of these things. Yet it doesn't really make being here any easier. Mostly bc I feel ok. I'm not in pain or really uncomfortable and I FEEL like I could be home on bed rest. (Realistically how much would I stay in bed w/ a Juniper and dogs and chores?). So I get it.

But this sucks. I just went to the hospital gift shop before it closes for holidays and got something for Renee and Chris, and a few things for Juniper. Bc I feel like I'm totally slacking for Christmas. There won't be any Santa laid out for my girl, there won't be the Christmas morning food and treats I had planned or leaving cookies for Santa and his reindeer... and even though I know I have next year, it hurts. And I know she won't remember, and I know Chris could do it all without me, but it just feels all wrong. And so, so sad.

Ultimately all I want is this baby boy to be safe and healthy and a very short Nicu stay. I want to hold him and cuddle him and know that all of this was not for vain, but for his very livelihood. I hopes he's planning on being a mamas boy because he's already made me worry so much he's never leaving my sight ;)

Hope ya didn't come here for a happy, positive, uplifting read, bc I don't have it in me. I know it could be worse. I know others have it way worse. I know I'm blessed to have amazing doctor care and loving supportive husband and a mother in law who jumped on a plane to immediately come help with Juniper. It just doesn't feel like Christmas.  Bah Humbug

PPROM

PPROM

Preterm premature rupture of membranes. My water broke Saturday 12/10/16 in my sleep at 5:30 AM. At 29 weeks 1 day pregnant. I calmly got dressed and asked Chris not to come to the hospital with me because Juniper was sleeping and we all know how important toddler sleep is. I also assumed they would tell me I peed my pants and to go home. The nurses probably assumed that would be the case too. After they confirmed it was amniotic fluid the entire mood in the room shifted. The nurses were nervous glancing. This changed things. This was hospital bed rest. This was premature baby. This was no going home to see my girl and husband. I cried. Hard. Ugly cried. I almost felt bad for the nurses and doctor, but I couldn't control it.

I was told no matter what we won't keep Rivi in past 34 weeks bc it's too dangerous for him and myself. No matter what we're looking at here, there's going to be a nicu stay. Statistically labor happens within 48 hours of PPROM, and the rest within a week. I'm holding hope that I am one of the few who make it weeks.

This only happens to 5% of women without a pre-existing medical condition. I am one of the 5%.

I won't go into details of the emotions over the past few days or even now, because I don't want to type them and relive them or even share them yet, maybe ever. But they were far, far from positive.

I've had IV of antibiotics, Rivi has gotten his steroid shots for his lungs, and we were on every 6hr monitoring. On Saturday my amniotic fluid was a 12 (normal is 5-22). So low end, but okay. I couldn't go home bc risk of infection and preterm labor was too probable.

Today at 29w6days (in 2.5 hours we get to say 30 weeks!) Rivi had an irregular monitoring session. His heartrate was dipping like crazy. We got the ultrasound guy in here and his amniotic fluid is down to just 2.5. I am on constant monitoring now and the worry about my premature baby is back full force. Every ache, every pain, every tightening or cramping of stomach and I'm worried that labor is beginning.

I'm trying to make this update be factual, not emotional. I'm not ready to share or address these emotions. All I can say is, this is hard. This sucks. But every day Rivi stays in, is another day to a healthier baby and a shorter Nicu stay.

At this point I have no control, and no idea what may happen.  Depending on how baby is doing I will possibly be having an emergency c-section. I wanted vaginal. Babies can't suckle/nurse until 33 weeks, I wanted to breastfeed desperately. All I want now is healthy. My tiny love will be on a CPAP for breathing and a feeding tube until we can get him old enough and strong enough to nurse. And only having those two things is absolutely best case scenario.

We were told to get helicopter insurance (so we did). If he needs a procedure we will have to be flown to Portland. My mind can't wrap around all of this. I can't process it yet.

So that's the gist of details for those who have been wondering the medical/technical side. They are currently setting up a delivery area in my room, where as they don't believe it will necessarily be tonight, but when things change they change quickly and they want to be prepared.

Right now I'm savoring the hour or so that I see Chris and Juniper a day, and hoping/praying this baby stays inside and grows stronger for a while longer. I know the NICU journey will be much more difficult than the bed rest journey, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.

Thank you so much for all of the flowers, calls, txt, messages, comments, prayers and love. They're so appreciated.

almost 2..... mama denial....

HOW are you almost 2 😩


Juniper will be TWO years old in 6.5 weeks. I can barely wrap my brain around this. It feels as if time has flown by and it couldn't possibly be two years already, and that you've been here all along. There's so much I want to remember:

- You're  counting! To 10, all on your own and unprompted. Pretty sure you only understand what 1 and 2 are, but it's still precious to hear and see how proud you are.
- Your vocabulary is astounding to us. We're always amazed at what you remember, repeat, and come up with.
- Some favorite phrases of ours:
- "sit by" or "sit bottom" when you either want to sit on the counter, or want us to sit by you.
- "Ohhhhh I sowwy mama. I sowwy. You k?"
- After a big sadness or tantrum with tears "I cyin mama. I cy"
- Danks ma!
- You only drink water and milk, and anything you aren't allowed to have you think is "beer". Was cute at first, but it's a little awkward walking through a store super pregnant while you point at bottles or cans and call them "mommy daddy beer!"  At least you've learned coffee now and mostly yell out "mama cofE daddy beer!"
- You have come to with your own sort of rationalizing/self soothing. If you can't have something at that moment you usually stop fussing and say "k. Store laler" (later!) even if we say no to iPad usage, you tell yourself it's ok, get one at the store later 😂
- You're obsessed with doggies. You wake up asking to go visit Sheba at the farm and randomly talk about her. Yesterday at an outdoor restaurant you were making your rounds and petting all the dogs (thanks Oregon!) and ran straight up to a huge pit bull. No fear, my girl.
- I semi regret ever buying a wagon bc you are 100% OVER the stroller. It's wagon or nothing!
- Your fave foods are apples, asparagus, eggs, and unfortunately any chip daddy will let you have. You cried so hard for the jalapeño chips he had that you ate a few like a champ, just to prove your point.
- You did better with our big move than expected. You need mama to rub your back for you to fall asleep now, and I have to remind myself to see it as a blessing and not an annoyance, bc one day you won't want me to anymore.
- Your tantrums are tenfold. I can't even.
- When another child cries when we are out and you are nearby you walk your shy self over and silently lay your hands on their back or pat them until their mommies come over. Melts my whole heart. Kindness and compassion go a long way, and I hope it's something we can instill for a lifetime.
- You HATE Santa.  You even told us you don't want new toys if they have to come from "dat man" 😂
- You love looking at photo albums and pointing out your family members. You beg to FaceTime neenee every couple of days!
- Harper and Poncho are either your best friends or biggest enemies, depending if you're defending a snack or not.
- One of my faves ... when I'm laying with you you crawl up really close and ball up your fists and gently rub them over my eyes while saying "tired mama? Tired? It's ok mama. Tired".
- Singing is your passion. For now. Seriously. You ask to sing/dance multiple times a day. No matter what is on you are humming along and pretending you know the words.
- Your hand motions to the wheels on the bus are the cutest things I've ever seen.

We love you so much, sweet wild child.