Vacation pt.1

... Are we allowed a vacation immediately following a vacation? Traveling with a toddler is no joke, y'all. Add in Juniper's separation anxiety, time change, her refusal to sleep in the packNplay, and the tummy bug caught day #1 on the plane... and this mama is exhausted.  Even with all the stressors though, getting the fleeting moments with friends and family are well worth the journey. The night time baby cuddles were actually an added bonus ;) 

Seeing Juniper visit with and play with cousins, and catching up with friends and family = my heart is full! There's never enough time for all the people and places and food we need to catch up on.  The trip is always a whirlwind and were always a little over booked, but I'm so glad we got to see everyone that we did! 

I'll post again on "tips" later that helped us keep our sanity on the plane (not counting the 10 seconds I gazed out the window with tears in my eyes when a cranky overtired Juniper was fighting her nap... only for me to finally get a grip and her pass out for 90 minutes! 

Hallelujah) 

On the first day Juniper didn't nap the entire flight or the drive from the airport. She passed out so hard when we went to target that her neenee and I had to alternate carrying her throughout the store. Our girl doesn't sleep on the go - this was definitely a first! 

Macon Road BBQ, my nana makes sure it's always on our agenda when I visit. 

 

Self love, anti diet-pill rant

This is gonna be long. If you have any loved ones on diet pills, please try to make it all the way through! I don't even know where to begin with this. It's a whole hypothyroid/self love/anti diet pill rant all in one. I won't get into the whole back story other than this - diagnosed hypothyroid in 2009 after unexplained weight gain, forgetfulness, and hair loss. Was put on Synthroid (synthetic thyroid replacement - chemicals!) and continued to get worse with worsening symptoms. Finally we move to Colorado in 2012 and I found a doctor that prescribed me Armour thyroid (dissected pig thyroid - all natural). When my levels were balanced out on Armour I felt much better, although the added weight was still impossible to lose. Now back to the past year:

After a healthy and successful pregnancy on Armour, I had beautiful Juniper! And I was able to breastfeed where a lot of hypothyroid mamas can't. Thank goodness! I had more energy other than new-mom-nursing- baby-up-all-night-tiredness. I had no physical symptoms that I have had in the past. My body didn't hurt as much or at all. And even though I still have hair loss that's hard to say if from thyroid or postpartum. 

I mentioned to my endocrinologist that I still couldn't lose weight (Some moms use nursing to lose their baby weight quicker! Jokes on me, my body stored all the fat to make milk) Two months after Juniper quit nursing my endo put me on Qsymia. A diet pill that is half phentermine (popular diet pill) and half topiramate (the second being a seizure medication that has a side effect of weight loss although they have no reason why.. Sounds super safe huh?) Now I'm

NOT just blaming my doctors. No one forced me to take anything.  I have spent thousands of dollars in the past on personal trainers, nutritionist, diet and recipe books, you name it and I've tried it. When I asked about a diet plan tailored to thyroid problems instead of a quick fix diet pill the doctor convinced me that my thyroid and metabolism were "stuck" and that I wouldn't lose ANY WEIGHT without these diet pills jump starting the process. Well, since that's my track record I agreed with them. 

During the two months I was on Qsymia I was sad, moody, in a fog, had body aches, sweating, heart palpitations, and DIDNT LOSE A POUND. I went in to the doctor and they agreed it was time to wean off of them, because no weight loss! Also - you have to wean off of them slowly so you don't have a seizure. At this time I started having irregular kidney blood work as well.... 

They switched me to phentermine. Which I took as a skinny teenager when I didn't need it, so I knew it worked but I also knew I would feel really "amped up" like a too much caffeine and adderall writing a college paper all nighter. I hate that feeling, but again, all I saw was the number on the scale, the desperation in my heart, and swim season around the corner. After 5 weeks on phentermine AND NO WEIGHT LOSS (where a friend on the same medicine was losing 5-8lbs a week) I started having severe eye pain. I knew this was linked to phentermine because like I said, I've taken it in the past. Between eye pain, feeling like my heart may explode, insomnia, and still not losing weight, I knew it was time to come off of this medicine as well. 

Today, I spent 3 hours in the ER with severe chest pain. It started about 3 days ago and has gotten worse every day. It would come on all at once like a wave of shooting pain and in the 5-20 seconds it takes to pass I couldn't breathe or speak. My primary care today advised me to go to the ER, so I did. I called Chris crying and asked

him to come home from work and stay with Juniper. I think the crying alarmed him. I've put up with a lot of ailments since being diagnosed hypothyroid. I always try to have a brave face. Life IS good. I can spend all day focused on my symptoms or I can keep trucking. I usually choose truckin'. 

After an EKG, more heart monitoring, 9 vials of blood work, a chest X-Ray and an IV of fluids, the doctor decides I have pleurisy. This is fluid in the walls around the lungs, which can cause excruciating chest pain when taking a breathe.  Normally it is only seen if patient has or has recently had pneumonia, bronchitis, or any virus with a cough. I've had none of these things. After further talking and research, he believes that my pleurisy was absolutely caused by the phentermine I was taking. 

Let's go over this. 

Diet pills =

Racing heart

Insomnia

Kidney problems

Eye problems

Bad mood

Brain fog

Sweating

Pleurisy

And NO WEIGHT LOSS. 

Y'all, I've had a ton of time to think about this. I usually don't talk about my weight or struggle because I've realized that it bothers other people

more than it does me. I still feel pretty. And sexy. And confident enough. And most importantly, happy. Because people ASSUME that being overweight = being unhealthy, I've decided my weight was a problem. But is it? Other than not aesthetically pleasing to some people? 

I can push my daughter miles and miles in the stroller to get to the best park. 

I can dance and be silly and jump around and chase my daughter. 

I'm active and shocker.... I'm healthy. I have blood work done every month, other than the hypothyroidism and temporary diet pill induced kidney problems, I AM HEALTHY! HEAR ME ROAR! On top of that, when I'm not focused on the weight I CANT LOSE or the clothes I CANT WEAR anymore, I'm REALLY HAPPY. My life is great. I have a precious little girl who makes life worth while. I have a loving husband who has never once said anything about my weight, and loves me curves and all. It's time for self love. No more searching for the next weight loss solution. I eat healthy. I walk almost daily. We cook with organic lean meats and veggies every single day.  This is a thyroid problem, this is even a society problem, but this is not a ME problem. Moral of the story, even when you believe nothing will ever help you to lose weight again....

 Diet pills are not the answer, y'all. (And love yourself!)   

 

Things to remember: dog food edition.

Oh, my sweet sweet Juniper Grace. I constantly say my thanks that you are such a smart little girl. You never eat things off the floor, you bring me tiny pieces of trash or dog food that you find and we walk to the trash can together. I love that when you find itty bitty rocks you say "no no" and you play with them but don't eat them! These things make my life and worry a tiny bit easier. 

But today...

Back story. The dogs are on super healthy food and it has tiny pebble looking bites in it named "vitamin bits". They truly despise the vitamin bits. They bring them over to the family room rug and leave them there. I'm constantly having to throw them away. For months before having Juniper I couldn't figure out what was happening, it looked like a rabbit was pooping in our house! (We don't have a rabbit) 

Anyways. 

Today at Target Juniper and I stopped by Starbucks on the way out (duh, Walmart sucks in every way possible and I try to never go ...  But being able to shop AND get coffee makes Target a no brainier win in my book) the check out lady sees Juniper with her snack cup and says "oh! Are you enjoying your Cheerios?!" (...And I have to totally stop myself from saying "they are "purely O's!" Organic and way less sugar and yea they kind of taste like cardboard but healthy choices lady!" Because ew when did I become this person?!) Oh well, forget the organic and healthy choices, because at that moment Juniper pulls the cereal out of her mouth and places it in my hand... and to my embarrassed horror me AND the check out ladies see that it is half chewed DOG FOOD. 

Apparently, my good smart girl who helps me throw those tiny vitamin bits in the trash, instead stashed them in her snack cup when I wasn't looking. I'm frantically explaining to these ladies that I DONT PURPOSLY feed my daughter dog food and that she must have done it when I wasn't looking and I can feel myself starting to sweat and my face turning red and all the while Juniper is licking my jacket to get the taste out of her mouth. 

Luckily the ladies are really cool and trying to make me feel better and talking about their kids once eating dog biscuits and finally I begin to laugh. Hard. Until Juniper is laughing and the other people are laughing and tears are running down my face. Because what else can you do? On the way out they yelled after me to get my baby some real food... and I laughed all the way to the car. 

Thanks for making life so good, baby! 

Things I don't want to forget:

I admit I have an awful memory. It's truly embarrassing. I know hypothyroidism can cause brain fog, I know I've always been somewhat distracted, and I know there are a few years in my life I wanted to forget, so maybe all of that plays a part. I will run in to people and know that I know them, but not know how or where they once fit into my life. I remember faces but not names. I have entire chunks of time that I just don't remember. Like age 22. What did I do that year? Where was I?  No effing clue. I have entire relationships (either friendships or boyfriends or whatever) where I can't tell you a single detail. Nothing. 

Because of this I hold on tight to new memories. I write them in a journal, I document with way too many pictures, I blog, and I write in a baby book. I don't want to forget! I want to remember how tiny Juniper's hands feel in my own. I want to remember her head on my chest and her breathing fall into the shallow relaxed pattern as she falls asleep in my arms. I want to remember how she follows me around saying "mama" and "up" and copies my every move. She makes my faces and my silly noises and mimics everything I do from cutting her fingernails to cooking dinner and brushing our teeth.  I want to remember that even when Chris and I were broke and struggling and newlyweds in a new state far from family and friends and comfort and holding on frazzled hope for the future, that we were still so happy and in love. Then when Denver rent was killing us and jobs weren't paying what they did in Atlanta, that we could still just be together and laugh and be okay. Stressors and all. I want to remember so many things to tell Juniper. 

 My mom was a single busy hippieish mama. Putting herself through nursing school with two young kids and then working the hours of a new nurse and being mama all on her own. I don't have a baby book. I don't have a ton of pictures. She doesn't quite remember when we got our first teeth or started walking. This is no fault of hers. She's an in the moment kind of person. She didn't have time for these things and probably had no clue it would matter to me. I'm thankful I can call her at any time and get a nurses opinion on what is going on with Juniper, but sometimes I wish I knew more about my childhood. 

 When Juniper is a new wife or new mom one day I want to be able to relay all of these stories to her.  When her baby is up all night and nurses around the clock, (if she chose to nurse) I want to remind her that she did the same. When she is worried that her baby isn't walking by a year old, I'll be able to tell her that she didn't until closer to 14 months. When shes a newly wed and (if) bills are tight and frustrations are high I want to remind her that I've been there, and it's okay.

As Chris and I's tattoos say "Love is Enough". 

Her newest thing I want to remember: Every night after bath we get dressed in our bed. Then we cuddle and read books and brush our teeth. When she's tired she says "no no" and gets down from our bed and walks her little self to get her milk from the kitchen stool. She comes right back and takes it into her room and waits by the rocker while I get her sleep sack and bunny ready. She is so proud of herself. I'm so proud of her! Little does she know it's her last week with the last remaining bottle, but hopefully the sippy

cup will have the same routine. 

She has a new found love for Harper dog. She wants to love Poncho too, he just won't let her. She looks for him and laughs and runs to be by him. If she sees a doggie in a book she stops reading and looks around the house to find Harper, then comes back to continue the book. She says "pat pat" while she pets him and has started laying her head down on him. Today when I dropped the dogs off at the vet and they carried Harper out of the room she cried her little eyes out. 

She used to just call her water "gah". Now everything she wants or wants to hand you is "gah". We think it means "that" because she used to point and we would say "do you want that?" She will say gah repeatedly and if we don't understand what item she is wanting it's a full blown tantrum. She's smart and strong willed and I adore her, tantrums and all.  

She has always tried to fit into tiny spaces. She likes being confined. She sleeps in the corner of her crib, body squished against the side. She likes playing in nooks and being in tunnels. I've had to un-stick her from boxes, baskets, bottom of the stroller, under the table rails, and many other too small spaces. It's silly and it's her and I want to remember it. 

(This last picture is from September, 8 months old) 

I don't let Juniper watch tv yet but we do watch the news in the evening and I dont mind if she's in the room for it. There is a political commercial right now with a donkey and an elephant just staring at each other. When she even hears the music for the beginning of that commercial she stops what she's doing, starts making elephant noises and throwing her "trunk" (arm!) up in the air and runs towards the tv to make sure we see the elephant also! I love that she loves elephants, and I love that one of her new words is giraffe "raffe". 

I once had someone tell me I over share on Instagram. Maybe I do, but the long captions are for the few others that care, just as much as they are for me and my poor memory. I want to remember! 

A few things I've learned since becoming a mommy

1. I now understand all the times my brother or I were sick and my mother would say "I wish I were the sick one! I hate seeing you guys sick. I would trade with you if I could". As a kid I truly believed she secretly thought "Aha suuuuuckers. Look at y'all all sick. Here's some meds, I feel great!" Now I know it's heart breaking. I would do anything to have Juniper's fever myself and for her to feel 100%! 

2. It's never what it seems. Stop comparing yourself to other moms on social media. Or at Target. I couldn't figure out how all these stay at home mamas looked so put together. (This is not directed towards working mamas. You are saints and I envy your time management and all around woman power)... Back to Target moms...  Hair done? ✔️ Make up perfect? ✔️ Real pants on? Like...the kind that button? ✔️  Hmmm, how do they do it? I started asking around. I got answers like "an hour of Mickey Mouse and pancakes!" Or "I wake two hours earlier than my kids to get ready for the day" and even "My kids get a movie every morning during breakfast so I can be put together!" Yea... No, no, and no. To each their own. Do what you gotta do. But hair and make up are not that important to me. Seriously, depending on the weather and the day my biggest outing could be bra-less to the mailbox. We have to remember that what we see projected is not necessarily the true picture. 

3. Some days are harder than others. This is hard for me to admit. I love my child more than life itself. But sometimes no sleep and no naps and multiple tantrums and I'm sick or she's sick or were all sick or were stuck inside with bad weather or whatever it is... Some days are hard. Totally 100% fucking worth it, but not always easy. 

4. Friendships change. Especially with friends who don't have babies of their own yet. But can ya blame them? I'm currently a stay at home mom. My daily social interaction is limited. If you catch me at the right time of day and I'm not too tired or busy to answer the phone and Juniper isn't at my calves begging for dinner then there is a good chance that I'm going to answer the phone and spend 15 minutes telling you how tired I am. How little I sleep. How cute Juniper is. How precious her 2 new words are. How many teeth she has. By the time you get a word in edge wise I'll probably need to go change a diaper and you'll hang up and call someone else and tell them how thankful you are that you don't have kids yet because you just had the MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVERRRRR. 

But don't worry. I understand. When you all have babies one day and you need to call and tell me about their diaper rash, I'll be here ;) 

5. It takes a village. I am so thankful for all of the people in my life that I can text/call at any time to ask random questions about Juniper's health/mommahood, etc. I think being a parent is like "paint by number" except more like "learn as you go". We're all really just winging it. 😉

Toddler: defined.

I was asked recently (just today!) if I had a toddler. Which led us to discussing what exactly a toddler was. Which led me to googling, defining, and typing this blog post :) 

Toddler: noun: Simple Definition of toddler. : a young child who is just learning to walk.

and for fun ... 

Baby: noun : a very young child, especially one newly or recently born.

To answer the question, I do not, just yet, have a toddler. I do however have a one year old. A ONE YEAR OLD. Who can stand while clapping for herself for standing, cruise along furniture, use the push-walker, speak about 6 words, eat all the foods, fight naps like nobody's business and tantrum like a little diva. Our sweet Juniper feels all the feels. She cuddles hard, kisses lots, cries harder, and has more determination to have things her way than I ever knew possible in a one year old. I'm a teeny bit terrified. I'm thrilled for grown up Juniper though (but not yet!) I think she will be wild and free and brave and independent and beautiful and silly and so, so much more. We have only gotten a tiny glimpse into this stunning personality and I am left in awe of her every single night. 

I was a nanny for 11 years, and until the last 2 of those I mostly nannied boys. Easy going, dirt loving, race car loving, mild - mannered boys. My latest and last nanny job I had toddler twin girls, and I remember telling Chris when we got pregnant "oh no. It may be a girl. These twins are a warning of what girls can be like. Emotional and crazy and silly and demanding and exhausting. Beautiful little sour patch kids!" (I mean that in the nicest way possible. "First they're sour, then they're sweet!")  Juniper is all of those things.

 I have to stop and remind myself what kind of woman I am. What kind of girl I once was and especially the type of teenager.. I am not and have never been an easy-going or mild mannered boy. I have always been a total girl. I've felt all the feels too. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have always fought to have things my way and butt heads with my mother (who is still my best friend!) and cried when I was sad and laughed hard and loved hard and was emotional when I needed to be and demanded attention when I wasn't getting any. Why would I expect any different from my tiny daughter? My sweet baby who is learning so much daily and growing and has no other way to express all of her feelings? She has every right to throw herself back with exasperation when she cannot figure out how to open her toy box, because that is frustrating! Instead of me wanting to also fling myself backwards for hearing the 100th tantrum that day, I vow to patiently show her again and again the right way to open the toy box until she knows how to do it. Because that's why I am her mommy, right? 

It's hard. Not the mommying part, there's nothing better than that. But the constantly questioning yourself part. I wonder if at any point you just KNOW you are doing/saying the right thing. There's so many parenting books. So many opinions. So many people and ideas and other parents and doctors telling you to do things a certain way or forever mess up your child. So here's where I stand. I don't care if Juniper is a toddler. Or a kid. Or a pre-teen. Or a teen. She will always be my BABY. I think as long as I love her with every fiber of my being and continue to do the very best I can for her, then that's all I can do. I think that's enough, and everything, all at once ❤️ 

I can't believe you are one year old my forever tiny newborn baby ;) 

Gymboree Play & Music!

Let's just start with stating that I am not a newbie to Gymboree. I started taking nanny babies when I was 18 years old and I'm quite certain I could teach the class with my eyes closed. I've literally gone once a week (or MORE) for consecutive YEARS of my life.  Although I loved the kids I nannied and was proud of them when they accomplished new things, it is nothing to the momma pride I feel when I watch Juniper! 

At almost 11 months and only our 2nd class, she acts like a seasoned veteran. She climbed things I didn't know were possible for her, she clapped with the teacher and the songs and she speed crawled through the obstacles like she just knew how. I was shaking and full of pride! (Haha - no, the shaking was the 3 cups of coffee and no food I consumed to get us out of the door so early) but I was definitely full of pride :) 

She is an extremely brave, determined, independent little girl. When she thought I wasnt looking she would book it to the other side of the room, then cackle when I came after her. When I put my hand on her bottom to steady her when climbing, she actually turned around and used her tiny hand to push mine away! (Ouch!) 

A little boy grabbed her shirt and pushed her down to take her toy. She sat right back up, mean-mugged him, snatched the toy back and turned her back where he couldn't reach it again. 

She's the youngest in the class by a few months and the only one not walking yet so I figure I'm allowed to let her stand up for herself however she can? We will figure out manners later. 

Anyways, this was the highlight of my day and I am so thankful I get to be the one to take Juniper to the class every week. She's my favorite. Seeing her little personality shine makes me so excited (and terrified) for the future. ❤️