I am sitting on the couch exhausted
with big bags under my eyes. I am tired beyond words and I want to sleep now,
and because Juniper is sleeping I could.
But she's on my chest after nursing and she's so sweet and perfect and
cuddly and squishy that I can't imagine putting her down yet. I never want to. Juniper
Grace was born on January 7th, 2015 at 4:37 pm, weighing 7lb, 15oz
and approx. 18 inches long.
Tuesday January 6th
before I went to sleep I started having contractions. I had them the previous
night as well but they had gone away by morning and weren’t particularly
painful so I thought nothing of it. By midnight I was back out of bed and
timing contractions. I called the doctor at midnight and she said she would see
me within the next two hours! I couldn’t believe it. This could be it! I
started waking Chris up to tell him he had two hours until we had to go, but he
didn’t believe me! He kept telling me to lie back down and it was a false alarm
(mind you, I was 40 weeks pregnant). Finally he huffed and puffed and drove us
to the hospital. The nurse kept telling me that my contractions were not
showing up on the monitor and I was only dilated to a 2 so we would probably be
going back home! I was terrified. I knew how badly I hurt and I couldn’t
imagine going home in that much pain and being afraid to come back to the
hospital for another false alarm. After 2 hours of monitoring the nurse came in
to check my dilation one more time while telling me we were probably getting
ready to leave, and Lo and behold, I wasn’t making up my contractions! I was
dilated to a 4.5 and was in labor – time to be admitted! We switched rooms and
by this time (430 AM) the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. Our new
nurse Brittani came in & was such a blessing. The entire atmosphere changed
having such a happy nurse to get us through.
I cried through my IV port, I cried through
contractions, and I cried through getting my epidural…obviously I am a crier!
The epidural was amazing, to those of you who have babies without epidurals…
God Bless your brave soul. I could not imagine. Over the next few hours Chris
and I tried to rest but we noticed the nurses coming in and checking the
monitors very often. They finally had the doctor come in and tell us that baby
was under fetal distress and if I didn’t dilate more soon, we would need an
emergency C-section. As time went on and
there were no changes in my cervix and no increase in fetal movement, it got
serious. The doctor informed us that this was dangerous and we would go to
surgery quickly. Chris and I were so scared. We hugged and kissed and cried. We
cried for my safety but mostly and mainly we cried for our sweet girl. We
prayed. Dear Lord please let this baby be okay. It was in that moment and those
tears that I knew how much I was capable of loving. This little girl I didn't
know yet was in trouble and I needed to birth her and to get her here healthy
and as soon as possible. Next thing we know it seemed like divine intervention,
but I dialed from a 6 to a 10. It was go time. No time for a C- section. We had
to get baby out now. Push!
Chris was an amazing support
system. I truly did not believe I would be able to get this baby out. Really,
it took until that moment the nurse said to push that I realized she meant I
needed to actually push a baby out! Our nurse was amazing though. I always
thought when you went into labor you had your feet in stirrups and you just pushed,
but they were telling me no stirrups! Through each contraction Chris and the
nurse would grab my feet and push them to my chest, while they did that I took
a deep breath, grabbed my knees, crunched my body like I was about to do a
cannon ball into the pool, and puuuuuuuushed while holding my breath. It was so
hard. I was so scared. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and I knew
we were on a time crunch for her safety. The nurse told me she could feel and
see the head! No way?! I kept thinking…that is just not possible. How is a baby
going to come out of there?! The doctor was called in and she explained…this is
no joke…baby is stressed…you have to push. This could be so dangerous for your
baby if we don’t get her out quickly. I cried with every push and said I
couldn’t do it. Just kept asking if I could go potty because I needed to poop
so bad (was informed that was actually the baby’s head, now all I remember is
asking to poop 200 times and I should probably be mortified, but after that
many people see you give birth, there truly is no shame left). Chris was giving
me so many words of support but when I looked up and saw him with tears in his
eyes, he stated “I see her head Jess, you are almost there, oh my gosh she is
beautiful. Her shoulders are next, you can do this”… something in me went
totally primal. I did not say “I can’t do this” again but I pushed and held my breath
and pushed and held my breath and did not give the nurses or doctors I chance
to tell me stop/go. I needed this baby here. I heard her first cry and I cried,
and Chris cried, and we were so relived. They laid her on my chest for just a
second as I and the nurses realized she was purple. They came and took her away
from me immediately and my heart was breaking. What was wrong? The doctor was
stitching me up and Chris had left to be with Juniper and no one was telling me
what was happening. I saw an oxygen tank being wheeled in. Why was no one
telling me anything? Juniper was taken away and to the Nicu while a nurse full
of attitude bossed me around for recovery. My heart was fully breaking, yet I
couldn’t go see my girl yet. Later I learned that she had busted a tiny hole in
her lung either during or right after labor. She was put on oxygen and if she
could not repair the lung herself she would have to have a small procedure. It
was so hard to not be able to be with my baby but knowing that this is
something she could overcome, I had faith! I set my alarm for every 3 hours so
I could come back to the Nicu and try to nurse Juniper, the nurses thought I
was crazy and couldn’t believe I wasn’t sleeping but how could I sleep?! Baby
needed me! She was taken off the oxygen after 24 hours and was doing great,
then unexpectedly her oxygen intake plummeted and she had to be put back on.
Heartbreak all over again. After 48 hours they took her off of the oxygen again
and she was able to breathe all on her own! Her levels didn’t drop low and she
was more alert and nursing a little stronger. I have never been happier. The
Nicu nurse was amazing and I swear she is my new best friend even if she
doesn’t know it. We were able to go home Friday evening and start our lives as
a family of 3. I was so afraid to go home! How would I know that she was ok
without the monitors and the amazing nurses? I had just had the scariest,
happiest, and most exhausting days of my life. We are so blessed.
This story could have gone in so
many other directions, so many bad things COULD have happened, but they didn’t,
and we are so thankful. We brought home a healthy, beautiful, 7lb. 15oz baby
and have loved every single minute. As I edit this, Juniper is now 5.5 weeks
old. I love being Juniper’s mommy, I love exclusively breast feeding and
knowing that I am providing her with all the nutrients she needs. I love her
cuddles and her cries and her tiny feet and her perfect little nose. We are
still loving every single minute and we are shocked at how quickly the time is
passing. We are so blessed.
I am the happiest I have ever been, ever.
