She is Here!!!!!!!!

I am sitting on the couch exhausted with big bags under my eyes. I am tired beyond words and I want to sleep now, and because Juniper is sleeping I could.  But she's on my chest after nursing and she's so sweet and perfect and cuddly and squishy that I can't imagine putting her down yet. I never want to. Juniper Grace was born on January 7^th, 2015 at 4:37 pm, weighing 7lb, 15oz and approx. 18 inches long.

Tuesday January 6^th before I went to sleep I started having contractions. I had them the previous night as well but they had gone away by morning and weren’t particularly painful so I thought nothing of it. By midnight I was back out of bed and timing contractions. I called the doctor at midnight and she said she would see me within the next two hours! I couldn’t believe it. This could be it! I started waking Chris up to tell him he had two hours until we had to go, but he didn’t believe me! He kept telling me to lie back down and it was a false alarm (mind you, I was 40 weeks pregnant). Finally he huffed and puffed and drove us to the hospital. The nurse kept telling me that my contractions were not showing up on the monitor and I was only dilated to a 2 so we would probably be going back home! I was terrified. I knew how badly I hurt and I couldn’t imagine going home in that much pain and being afraid to come back to the hospital for another false alarm. After 2 hours of monitoring the nurse came in to check my dilation one more time while telling me we were probably getting ready to leave, and Lo and behold, I wasn’t making up my contractions! I was dilated to a 4.5 and was in labor – time to be admitted! We switched rooms and by this time (430 AM) the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. Our new nurse Brittani came in & was such a blessing. The entire atmosphere changed having such a happy nurse to get us through.

 I cried through my IV port, I cried through contractions, and I cried through getting my epidural…obviously I am a crier! The epidural was amazing, to those of you who have babies without epidurals… God Bless your brave soul. I could not imagine. Over the next few hours Chris and I tried to rest but we noticed the nurses coming in and checking the monitors very often. They finally had the doctor come in and tell us that baby was under fetal distress and if I didn’t dilate more soon, we would need an emergency C-section.  As time went on and there were no changes in my cervix and no increase in fetal movement, it got serious. The doctor informed us that this was dangerous and we would go to surgery quickly. Chris and I were so scared. We hugged and kissed and cried. We cried for my safety but mostly and mainly we cried for our sweet girl. We prayed. Dear Lord please let this baby be okay. It was in that moment and those tears that I knew how much I was capable of loving. This little girl I didn't know yet was in trouble and I needed to birth her and to get her here healthy and as soon as possible. Next thing we know it seemed like divine intervention, but I dialed from a 6 to a 10. It was go time. No time for a C- section. We had to get baby out now. Push!

Chris was an amazing support system. I truly did not believe I would be able to get this baby out. Really, it took until that moment the nurse said to push that I realized she meant I needed to actually push a baby out! Our nurse was amazing though. I always thought when you went into labor you had your feet in stirrups and you just pushed, but they were telling me no stirrups! Through each contraction Chris and the nurse would grab my feet and push them to my chest, while they did that I took a deep breath, grabbed my knees, crunched my body like I was about to do a cannon ball into the pool, and puuuuuuuushed while holding my breath. It was so hard. I was so scared. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and I knew we were on a time crunch for her safety. The nurse told me she could feel and see the head! No way?! I kept thinking…that is just not possible. How is a baby going to come out of there?! The doctor was called in and she explained…this is no joke…baby is stressed…you have to push. This could be so dangerous for your baby if we don’t get her out quickly. I cried with every push and said I couldn’t do it. Just kept asking if I could go potty because I needed to poop so bad (was informed that was actually the baby’s head, now all I remember is asking to poop 200 times and I should probably be mortified, but after that many people see you give birth, there truly is no shame left). Chris was giving me so many words of support but when I looked up and saw him with tears in his eyes, he stated “I see her head Jess, you are almost there, oh my gosh she is beautiful. Her shoulders are next, you can do this”… something in me went totally primal. I did not say “I can’t do this” again but I pushed and held my breath and pushed and held my breath and did not give the nurses or doctors I chance to tell me stop/go. I needed this baby here. I heard her first cry and I cried, and Chris cried, and we were so relived. They laid her on my chest for just a second as I and the nurses realized she was purple. They came and took her away from me immediately and my heart was breaking. What was wrong? The doctor was stitching me up and Chris had left to be with Juniper and no one was telling me what was happening. I saw an oxygen tank being wheeled in. Why was no one telling me anything? Juniper was taken away and to the Nicu while a nurse full of attitude bossed me around for recovery. My heart was fully breaking, yet I couldn’t go see my girl yet. Later I learned that she had busted a tiny hole in her lung either during or right after labor. She was put on oxygen and if she could not repair the lung herself she would have to have a small procedure. It was so hard to not be able to be with my baby but knowing that this is something she could overcome, I had faith! I set my alarm for every 3 hours so I could come back to the Nicu and try to nurse Juniper, the nurses thought I was crazy and couldn’t believe I wasn’t sleeping but how could I sleep?! Baby needed me! She was taken off the oxygen after 24 hours and was doing great, then unexpectedly her oxygen intake plummeted and she had to be put back on. Heartbreak all over again. After 48 hours they took her off of the oxygen again and she was able to breathe all on her own! Her levels didn’t drop low and she was more alert and nursing a little stronger. I have never been happier. The Nicu nurse was amazing and I swear she is my new best friend even if she doesn’t know it. We were able to go home Friday evening and start our lives as a family of 3. I was so afraid to go home! How would I know that she was ok without the monitors and the amazing nurses? I had just had the scariest, happiest, and most exhausting days of my life. We are so blessed.

This story could have gone in so many other directions, so many bad things COULD have happened, but they didn’t, and we are so thankful. We brought home a healthy, beautiful, 7lb. 15oz baby and have loved every single minute. As I edit this, Juniper is now 5.5 weeks old. I love being Juniper’s mommy, I love exclusively breast feeding and knowing that I am providing her with all the nutrients she needs. I love her cuddles and her cries and her tiny feet and her perfect little nose. We are still loving every single minute and we are shocked at how quickly the time is passing. We are so blessed. 

I am the happiest I have ever been, ever.

Worry.

“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.”
― Dan Zadra


There are thousands and thousands of quotes when it comes to the art of worrying. At least that is what my Google search is telling me at 3am this morning, as I cannot sleep, riddled with worry. The quote above truly resonates with me, as I have always had a very wild and vivid imagination. Normally upon falling asleep each night my mind takes me to far away places (very happy places) and I fall asleep to dream about very weird, very silly things. I have never thought about a "good" imagination being associated with a deep level of worry although now that I do it makes a lot of sense. Just as my mind can make up an elaborate day dream where Chris and I travel the world with our children while learning different languages and saving orphans and living with dolphins...it can also go to a deeper, darker place, where I constantly think of all of the things that could go wrong. I have always deeply appreciated my sense of imagination. My imagination makes boring situations not so boring. My imagination has made nannying 100% more fun as I could relate and be silly with children on an entirely different level. I know I get my imagination from my mother, although I am pretty sure she doesn't have the worry side as I do. She is very much able to "live in the now", and has learned that stressing about tomorrow will do absolutely nothing for you.

Before this pregnancy I worried a little, but I ultimately knew that everything was going to be just fine one way or another. Now that I am pregnant I worry to the point of giving myself anxiety. I worry to the point of needing to Google "worry" at 3am when I should be sleeping. I worry to the point where I can not sleep... because my mind is too wildly worried.

I know tons of mothers who worry, even tons of seemingly laid back mothers who have a million different anxieties when it comes to their children. Is this part of the territory? Now instead of minimally worrying about yourself you have to maximally worry about another human being, one that for a short time you are solely responsible for? After nannying for extremely uptight mothers in the past I have always said I would never let myself turn into that person. I said I would still be fun and laid back and "careful - but not crazy". I see the mothers who cannot let their children climb a play set on their own in fears of the child slipping and falling. I see the parents using sippy cups until children are well past the age of being able to hold a "big kid cup" on their own in fears of the mess they may make. These things very well could happen, and do happen often, but does that mean we must hover under our child's every move to protect them from ever making a mistake or having an accident? I hope not.

Baby Juniper hasn't actually entered the real world quite yet, but I find myself worrying non-stop. Not just about pregnancy and birth related accidents, but about things months and years away. My once happy go lucky dreams have turned stressful. I woke the other night from a very vivid dream that I had already had our sweet baby girl. In the dream she was still on a 2-hour feeding schedule yet I kept forgetting and not feeding her until the 4 hour mark. I kept wondering why I was such a bad mother and how could I just go 2 extra hours without thinking to feed our baby?

I look around our house and think of all the things and places where she could hurt herself. I have a running list of what needs to be child-proofed once she is crawling, pulling up, walking. Mind you, some of the best children I have ever had the pleasure of nannying grew up in laid back households where parents did not believe in child proofing their home in any way and taught their children what not to touch...and I swore I would be this way too. But now I view the world as this huge entity just full of things that can hurt our baby. I worry that I will slip and fall while holding her. I worry that our house is too cold or too hot for her to sleep comfortably. I worry that we won't teach her to grow up and love the world around her because despite all of the scariness, it is a beautiful world to be in. I worry that I will accidentally complain about myself in the mirror in front of her and give her self-esteem issues. I worry that when she becomes a teenager she will hit that dark place that many teenagers hit and that I won't be able to reach her.

So, is this par for the course? Am I destined to be the crazy worrying over protective mother (who was once a very laid back, but cautious, fun loving nanny?) Is this normal for pregnancy? I know the crazier dreams can be blamed on pregnancy...I just hope this new found anxiety can be as well.


“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom,


I do not want the strength of today taken away with my worry for the future. I will find my happy, easy going, fun loving imaginative self again and I vow to not let my daughter grow up with a mother riddled with worry and anxiousness over things that are beyond our control. What will be, will be. I vow to let Juniper climb to the top of the play set so I can see the pride in her face when she accomplishes such a big feat, without her mother standing below begging her to be careful or to come back down. I vow to let her use a big girl cup just like my Montessori students did, so she can learn to wipe up her mess and move on - spilled milk is nothing to cry over. I vow to try daily to show her the beauty this world has to offer, whether it be from the kindness of ourselves or others, the amazing mountain sunsets in our own back yard, or simply through the amount of love that her father and I have for her.