Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.  

She is Here!!!!!!!!

I am sitting on the couch exhausted with big bags under my eyes. I am tired beyond words and I want to sleep now, and because Juniper is sleeping I could.  But she's on my chest after nursing and she's so sweet and perfect and cuddly and squishy that I can't imagine putting her down yet. I never want to. Juniper Grace was born on January 7^th, 2015 at 4:37 pm, weighing 7lb, 15oz and approx. 18 inches long.

Tuesday January 6^th before I went to sleep I started having contractions. I had them the previous night as well but they had gone away by morning and weren’t particularly painful so I thought nothing of it. By midnight I was back out of bed and timing contractions. I called the doctor at midnight and she said she would see me within the next two hours! I couldn’t believe it. This could be it! I started waking Chris up to tell him he had two hours until we had to go, but he didn’t believe me! He kept telling me to lie back down and it was a false alarm (mind you, I was 40 weeks pregnant). Finally he huffed and puffed and drove us to the hospital. The nurse kept telling me that my contractions were not showing up on the monitor and I was only dilated to a 2 so we would probably be going back home! I was terrified. I knew how badly I hurt and I couldn’t imagine going home in that much pain and being afraid to come back to the hospital for another false alarm. After 2 hours of monitoring the nurse came in to check my dilation one more time while telling me we were probably getting ready to leave, and Lo and behold, I wasn’t making up my contractions! I was dilated to a 4.5 and was in labor – time to be admitted! We switched rooms and by this time (430 AM) the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. Our new nurse Brittani came in & was such a blessing. The entire atmosphere changed having such a happy nurse to get us through.

 I cried through my IV port, I cried through contractions, and I cried through getting my epidural…obviously I am a crier! The epidural was amazing, to those of you who have babies without epidurals… God Bless your brave soul. I could not imagine. Over the next few hours Chris and I tried to rest but we noticed the nurses coming in and checking the monitors very often. They finally had the doctor come in and tell us that baby was under fetal distress and if I didn’t dilate more soon, we would need an emergency C-section.  As time went on and there were no changes in my cervix and no increase in fetal movement, it got serious. The doctor informed us that this was dangerous and we would go to surgery quickly. Chris and I were so scared. We hugged and kissed and cried. We cried for my safety but mostly and mainly we cried for our sweet girl. We prayed. Dear Lord please let this baby be okay. It was in that moment and those tears that I knew how much I was capable of loving. This little girl I didn't know yet was in trouble and I needed to birth her and to get her here healthy and as soon as possible. Next thing we know it seemed like divine intervention, but I dialed from a 6 to a 10. It was go time. No time for a C- section. We had to get baby out now. Push!

Chris was an amazing support system. I truly did not believe I would be able to get this baby out. Really, it took until that moment the nurse said to push that I realized she meant I needed to actually push a baby out! Our nurse was amazing though. I always thought when you went into labor you had your feet in stirrups and you just pushed, but they were telling me no stirrups! Through each contraction Chris and the nurse would grab my feet and push them to my chest, while they did that I took a deep breath, grabbed my knees, crunched my body like I was about to do a cannon ball into the pool, and puuuuuuuushed while holding my breath. It was so hard. I was so scared. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and I knew we were on a time crunch for her safety. The nurse told me she could feel and see the head! No way?! I kept thinking…that is just not possible. How is a baby going to come out of there?! The doctor was called in and she explained…this is no joke…baby is stressed…you have to push. This could be so dangerous for your baby if we don’t get her out quickly. I cried with every push and said I couldn’t do it. Just kept asking if I could go potty because I needed to poop so bad (was informed that was actually the baby’s head, now all I remember is asking to poop 200 times and I should probably be mortified, but after that many people see you give birth, there truly is no shame left). Chris was giving me so many words of support but when I looked up and saw him with tears in his eyes, he stated “I see her head Jess, you are almost there, oh my gosh she is beautiful. Her shoulders are next, you can do this”… something in me went totally primal. I did not say “I can’t do this” again but I pushed and held my breath and pushed and held my breath and did not give the nurses or doctors I chance to tell me stop/go. I needed this baby here. I heard her first cry and I cried, and Chris cried, and we were so relived. They laid her on my chest for just a second as I and the nurses realized she was purple. They came and took her away from me immediately and my heart was breaking. What was wrong? The doctor was stitching me up and Chris had left to be with Juniper and no one was telling me what was happening. I saw an oxygen tank being wheeled in. Why was no one telling me anything? Juniper was taken away and to the Nicu while a nurse full of attitude bossed me around for recovery. My heart was fully breaking, yet I couldn’t go see my girl yet. Later I learned that she had busted a tiny hole in her lung either during or right after labor. She was put on oxygen and if she could not repair the lung herself she would have to have a small procedure. It was so hard to not be able to be with my baby but knowing that this is something she could overcome, I had faith! I set my alarm for every 3 hours so I could come back to the Nicu and try to nurse Juniper, the nurses thought I was crazy and couldn’t believe I wasn’t sleeping but how could I sleep?! Baby needed me! She was taken off the oxygen after 24 hours and was doing great, then unexpectedly her oxygen intake plummeted and she had to be put back on. Heartbreak all over again. After 48 hours they took her off of the oxygen again and she was able to breathe all on her own! Her levels didn’t drop low and she was more alert and nursing a little stronger. I have never been happier. The Nicu nurse was amazing and I swear she is my new best friend even if she doesn’t know it. We were able to go home Friday evening and start our lives as a family of 3. I was so afraid to go home! How would I know that she was ok without the monitors and the amazing nurses? I had just had the scariest, happiest, and most exhausting days of my life. We are so blessed.

This story could have gone in so many other directions, so many bad things COULD have happened, but they didn’t, and we are so thankful. We brought home a healthy, beautiful, 7lb. 15oz baby and have loved every single minute. As I edit this, Juniper is now 5.5 weeks old. I love being Juniper’s mommy, I love exclusively breast feeding and knowing that I am providing her with all the nutrients she needs. I love her cuddles and her cries and her tiny feet and her perfect little nose. We are still loving every single minute and we are shocked at how quickly the time is passing. We are so blessed. 

I am the happiest I have ever been, ever.

FINAL COUNTDOWN!

                       .... & some nursery lovin' 


Baby Junipers nursery is all ready to go, we just need her to gain a little more fat over the next few weeks and then make her appearance! Eeeeek! SO excited! I didn’t think that getting the nursery together would be that important to me. I have always thought “Crib, dresser, clothes, done!” I now think that the nursery helps you to focus your energy on something other than “the countdown”…while you definitely have a count going on in your head, at least with a nursery project you can also have the thought “not yet – your room isn’t ready!”

My sweet Nana gave me her old sewing machine 4 years ago and as of last month I had never used it. Chris and I took it out one time, Googled “how to use a sewing machine”, couldn’t figure it out and returned it to the box for the next 3 years. Last month I decided there were two things I absolutely needed for Junipers nursery that I could not find anywhere. She NEEDED a pillow for her rocker, and a pendant banner to go over her crib and zero on the market were exactly what I was looking for. We loaded up the sewing machine and took it to a local sew shop and for free of charge…they taught me how to use it! I mean minimally, of course, I still had to Google tips and advice throughout the entire project, but I am so proud! 

Harper was very confused at this process. 

Are they perfect? No! Do I love them because they are the first projects I have attempted and I made them for our sweet baby girl? Yes! 

If anyone wants an imperfectly sewn anything for their baby made with little skill but lots of love – I’m your girl!

The color doesn’t come through just right in pictures, but her room is the prettiest lightest minty-est of colors. I didn’t want a loud or busy nursery. No hot pink and lime green zebra stripes over here. (No offense if that’s your style! More power to you!) I love that our bedroom is our sanctuary, where we sleep and relax; I wanted her nursery to be a relaxing sanctuary for her as well. 

I hope that my next blog post will be the welcoming of a very healthy Ms. Juniper Grace. We will hope and pray that the remainder of our pregnancy goes smoothly, safely, and healthy. Until then, Mommy, Daddy, Harper & Poncho will continue to wait as patiently as possible. Well… Mommy and Daddy will! Harper and Poncho will continue to not know what the hell is going on until their life is turned upside down with the arrival of a tiny new human who may steal some of their cuddles and attention.  

Just ask  if you’re interested to find out where any of the furniture came from. Between Target and Amazon it is all very well made, affordable, and easy to assemble pieces!

"Never gonna sleeeeep againnn"

I have heard people talk about that phase in the last trimester where your body/mind prepares you for having a child and waking up for feedings every few hours and you are no longer able to sleep. I don't think it is some crazy phenomena that your smart body is preparing you for- It is a very logical situation. It simply boils down to peeing every single hour, the inability to get comfortable, hurting once you have laid on one side for too long, but knowing that if you roll over to the other side you will be out of breathe for 10 minutes and your significant other will wake up to the sound of you heaving...from..rolling over. Tonight is the first night I have chosen to stay on the couch rather than stay in bed, not because I don't love my bed, but because I really do love my husband. I don't want any uncontrollable third trimester anger raging as he sleeps peacefully and I struggle to balance a pillow behind my back, a pillow between my legs, a pillow under my huge belly, two pillows under my head, and two feet out from under the blanket...because did I mention how being 25 pounds heavier makes you 50 degrees warmer?!

I would much rather complain about the sleep situation than the actual pregnancy. I feel so guilty if I whine about it because I know it could be way worse. I am growing a precious baby girl that Chris and I already love so much, and that alone makes up for feeling like a huge turtle stuck on its back. We have been very blessed that although at some point during this pregnancy I have experienced what seems like every pregnancy symptom known to (wo)man - so far Baby Juniper is healthy and so is this mommy.

We are literally on our final countdown. Next week we have our 36 week ultrasound appointment where we see approximately how much Juniper weighs, how long she is, and which direction she is facing. I do know that for the past 2 months she has been head down in the birth canal, and all of the sudden TONIGHT she has decided to flip over. Her cute little hiccups are now above my belly button rather than far below. I hope she turns her defiant little self back around before the doctor makes any decisions about the birthing situation! We haven't seen her since our 20 week ultrasound, so I am counting down the days until next appointment!

The nursery is complete. yall!  I will definitely be posting pictures soon seeing as I am quite proud of the outcome! I just picked a few colors and had an idea in my head a few months ago and it has come together so beautifully. We have lived in our house for a little over a year now and her room is literally the only "finished" room. We put lots of love and labor into it and seeing Chris put together ALL of the furniture with zero frustration or bad words is another adorable thing that shows me just how excited he is to meet his daughter!


Any week now our little girl will be here, in our arms, ready for hugs and kisses, and that my friends...is worth the not being able to sleep/breathe/eat/walk/bend over/ part.

Juniper's Baby Shower

What a GREAT weekend!

I flew back to Georgia on Wednesday October 29th (also my very last day of nannying) to spend 3 full days with friends and family and good ole southern food...and man...did I eat southern food ;)  Between the crab cakes and the fried chicken and the pimento cheese sandwiches and cucumber sandwiches and chicken salad croissants and slow cooked green beans with potatos and deviled eggs and petit fours and the best sweet tea a girl could ask for.. and... and and... needless to say, baby Juniper and mommy have very full, very happy bellies. Don't worry - we are now "detoxing" with tons of water and fruits and veggies.

The entire trip was perfect. I was able to see my sweet nana in the hospital (she is recovering well and goes home tomorrow!), I spent a full day with my mom, and two special days with my amazing in-laws. There is never a long enough trip to see all the friends and family that I would like to see and I truly regret that...but maybe one day!

I am so thankful for the people that Chris and I have in our lives (and sweet baby Juniper's). The baby shower was so much more special than just gifts - every card moved me to tears and just having everyone together celebrating our baby girl truly meant the world to me. My best friend Sara knit baby Juniper a blanket.... I didn't even know Sara could knit! It was just all so special to me and I love knowing that Juniper will be raised surrounded by so much love, kindness, and thoughtfulness.

As of today I am "officially" unemployed & on mild bed rest. AKA - time to nest and focus my energy on the nursery! I cannot wait to update this blog with the progress of the nursery and the anticipation that comes with awaiting the arrival of Baby Juniper!

9 weeks to go, yall!

 Me and the grandmas! Nay Nay & GiGi

 Renee's Best Friends - Nancy, Audrey, & Rita

 I absolutely love everyone in this picture!

 Embracing the curves...they are growing a baby!

 YALL....THE FOOD

 My sweet nieces

After a busy (but amazing) weekend I am happy to be back home with my husband and pupcakes.... LET THE NESTING BEGIN!

What do 1st time parents NEED?!

Hey Yall!

We had a perfect fall weekend here in Colorado, topped off with SEC wins, peanut butter cookies, and pumpkin carving. We couldn't wait for the pumpkin patch to open - we purchased good ole grocery store punkins to get our Fall fix! Our good friend Katelyn and her sweet baby Aiden came over to carve with us - but look closely in the background - Sweet Aiden had more fun pulling up the old tomato plants (Thanks Buddy! A chore we have been avoiding!) It was so exciting just thinking that this time next year our little girl will be here and able to help us scoop out pumpkin seeds and wield the knife. ;)

Super proud of these pumpkins - I don't care that it's not even October yet!

Anyways, I have been reading everyyyyything on what first time parents may or not need and some of the things I have seen are absolutely ridiculous. I found one list which title read "The Ultimate First Time Mom Needs" and do you know what #2 on the list was? Do you even know?! Heels. High Heels. "A good pair of comfortable but sexy high heels to last you the third trimester and first couple of months with baby". Ummmmm. No thanks. I rarely wore heels as a non pregnant woman, there is no way I will start now. Heels made it even higher on this list than a crib!

So I figure I can read as many blogs and lists as I want to and still possibly not know what baby will need. I keep joking that I always start nanny jobs when the babies are 6 weeks old, so I have no clue what to do the first 5 weeks!

So mommies, mommies to be, any non mommy friends with newborn experience, Please help me out!  What would you add to the list of needs/wants/ that will make transitioning into this new life a little easier?

You Are Our Greatest Adventure...

I cannot even express how excited I am about the prints we ordered for Baby Junipers' nursery. They haven't been shipped yet but I cannot wait to share - so I am going to share the stock photos with the wrong name on them!

SUPER ADORABLE, right?! Because I purchased them on Zulily I cannot find the exact ones for you - but I do know that they are by Finny and Zook They have adorable height charts that I am debating purchasing, although it will be quite a while before Ms. Juniper can stand and be measured :)

The best time of the year is right around the corner - Fall is in the air, yall!  "Life starts all over when it gets crisp in the fall" - Fitzgerald   It really does feel like a new start when fall rolls around, more so than January 1st, in my opinion. Cooler weather comes and washes away the hot hot summer, leaves change into the most beautiful hues of autumn, and you get to cover up those couple of pounds you forgot to lose over the summer with the coziest of hoodies. Chris and I are a little too excited for purchasing colorful mums for the front porch and visiting the Pumpkin Patch in a couple of weekends for the most perfect pumpkins for carving! - Hopefully this trip won't turn out like last year, when we didn't make it to the Patch until after the first frost, and we basically arrived at a pumpkin graveyard. It's a great place affiliated with Denver Botanical Gardens and even has a a little pumpkin patch with child friendly sized pumpkins! On Pumpkin Festival weekend kiddos can get their faces painted, attempt the corn mazes, go on hay rides, and enjoy lots of tasty treats! Chatfield Pumpkin Festival

I look forward to sharing more of Junipers' nursery as it all comes together. (and our pumpkin carving ventures!)

 Happy Weekend!

<Thank you to everyone who has been so concerned, so far my hypothyroid levels are under control and Juniper is a healthy little kicking ninja baby. We can NOT wait to meet her!>