Bittersweet

And after 10 months... Daddy finally gets to feed Juniper a bottle ❤️💔

Juniper got sick almost 2 weeks ago, on top of all 4 top teeth trying to come through. She quit nursing! As a mommy I was panicking because my baby wasn't eating, I was sad because nursing ended so abruptly and we have such a good nursing relationship and I was super exhausted because Juniper would be up every night from 1-4am - hungry but refusing to eat.

I'm positive it was a nursing strike, associated with stuffy nose and hurting gums. And where most babies usually come around and start to nurse again, Juniper is very headstrong and I truly just don't see her going back to nursing. (She didn't like bottles? Never took them. Hated purees? Straight to finger foods.) I tried all the tricks. Walked around topless. Co-bathing. Trying to nurse when she first woke/was tired/was fast asleep. Trying after Tylenol and teething tablets and a wet rag on gums. Tried to trick her with a bottle or syringe first and then switch to breast. She wasn't having it. I syringe fed her pumped milk for 10 days. 

Then last night she finally took a 3oZ bottle from dad in the evening, then a 3oz bottle from me at bedtime.  Then she slept 9 glorious hours straight. NINE. She woke at 4:30, drank 2 more oz, then slept til 7:30am. Unicorns and rainbows and all the magical things!! 

She is of course refusing them today, but she has a stuffy nose and is constantly rubbing her gums. Poor baby. 

I bought formula today. I was embarrassed. I felt inadequate buying it. I wanted everyone to know I tried my best and I just can't pump enough. I don't judge anyone else for formula and I know second to breastmilk it's the healthiest thing we will ever feed our babies, but my goal was no formula. Exclusively breastfed for 12 months. But Juniper  had other plans. I'm still accepting this. So far she won't take the formula but I think that's more because she's not feeling well than anything. 

I'm still going to pump as much as I can. But as soon as she's taking formula and it's not worth it to pump anymore (like pumping 5x a day for not even a whole bottle-) I am going to be done. 

10 months is an amazingly long time to exclusively breastfeed. No date nights. Minimal caffeine. Nursing 2-4x a night because that's just what Juniper wanted. No help because Chris can't nurse her 😂 there's so many pros and cons to be moving past this stage in Junipers life. Pro? I've already lost 6lbs. I was an unlucky one who held on to the weight when nursing non stop. Another pro? Daddy and Juniper can bond a little more and he can do some night time feeding. Another pro? Girls night. 

I'm sad and happy it has come to this. Sad that our amazing nursing relationship has ended. Happy that we made it this far. Sad this Juniper doesn't need me in quite the same way anymore. Happy that I'm her mama and she will always need me. Sad I did not get to mentally prepare myself for Juniper to be finished nursing. Happy that we didn't have some long drawn out complicated weaning process. 

As long as she's happy and healthy, I'll be fine ☺️

 

Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.  

She is Here!!!!!!!!

I am sitting on the couch exhausted with big bags under my eyes. I am tired beyond words and I want to sleep now, and because Juniper is sleeping I could.  But she's on my chest after nursing and she's so sweet and perfect and cuddly and squishy that I can't imagine putting her down yet. I never want to. Juniper Grace was born on January 7^th, 2015 at 4:37 pm, weighing 7lb, 15oz and approx. 18 inches long.

Tuesday January 6^th before I went to sleep I started having contractions. I had them the previous night as well but they had gone away by morning and weren’t particularly painful so I thought nothing of it. By midnight I was back out of bed and timing contractions. I called the doctor at midnight and she said she would see me within the next two hours! I couldn’t believe it. This could be it! I started waking Chris up to tell him he had two hours until we had to go, but he didn’t believe me! He kept telling me to lie back down and it was a false alarm (mind you, I was 40 weeks pregnant). Finally he huffed and puffed and drove us to the hospital. The nurse kept telling me that my contractions were not showing up on the monitor and I was only dilated to a 2 so we would probably be going back home! I was terrified. I knew how badly I hurt and I couldn’t imagine going home in that much pain and being afraid to come back to the hospital for another false alarm. After 2 hours of monitoring the nurse came in to check my dilation one more time while telling me we were probably getting ready to leave, and Lo and behold, I wasn’t making up my contractions! I was dilated to a 4.5 and was in labor – time to be admitted! We switched rooms and by this time (430 AM) the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. Our new nurse Brittani came in & was such a blessing. The entire atmosphere changed having such a happy nurse to get us through.

 I cried through my IV port, I cried through contractions, and I cried through getting my epidural…obviously I am a crier! The epidural was amazing, to those of you who have babies without epidurals… God Bless your brave soul. I could not imagine. Over the next few hours Chris and I tried to rest but we noticed the nurses coming in and checking the monitors very often. They finally had the doctor come in and tell us that baby was under fetal distress and if I didn’t dilate more soon, we would need an emergency C-section.  As time went on and there were no changes in my cervix and no increase in fetal movement, it got serious. The doctor informed us that this was dangerous and we would go to surgery quickly. Chris and I were so scared. We hugged and kissed and cried. We cried for my safety but mostly and mainly we cried for our sweet girl. We prayed. Dear Lord please let this baby be okay. It was in that moment and those tears that I knew how much I was capable of loving. This little girl I didn't know yet was in trouble and I needed to birth her and to get her here healthy and as soon as possible. Next thing we know it seemed like divine intervention, but I dialed from a 6 to a 10. It was go time. No time for a C- section. We had to get baby out now. Push!

Chris was an amazing support system. I truly did not believe I would be able to get this baby out. Really, it took until that moment the nurse said to push that I realized she meant I needed to actually push a baby out! Our nurse was amazing though. I always thought when you went into labor you had your feet in stirrups and you just pushed, but they were telling me no stirrups! Through each contraction Chris and the nurse would grab my feet and push them to my chest, while they did that I took a deep breath, grabbed my knees, crunched my body like I was about to do a cannon ball into the pool, and puuuuuuuushed while holding my breath. It was so hard. I was so scared. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and I knew we were on a time crunch for her safety. The nurse told me she could feel and see the head! No way?! I kept thinking…that is just not possible. How is a baby going to come out of there?! The doctor was called in and she explained…this is no joke…baby is stressed…you have to push. This could be so dangerous for your baby if we don’t get her out quickly. I cried with every push and said I couldn’t do it. Just kept asking if I could go potty because I needed to poop so bad (was informed that was actually the baby’s head, now all I remember is asking to poop 200 times and I should probably be mortified, but after that many people see you give birth, there truly is no shame left). Chris was giving me so many words of support but when I looked up and saw him with tears in his eyes, he stated “I see her head Jess, you are almost there, oh my gosh she is beautiful. Her shoulders are next, you can do this”… something in me went totally primal. I did not say “I can’t do this” again but I pushed and held my breath and pushed and held my breath and did not give the nurses or doctors I chance to tell me stop/go. I needed this baby here. I heard her first cry and I cried, and Chris cried, and we were so relived. They laid her on my chest for just a second as I and the nurses realized she was purple. They came and took her away from me immediately and my heart was breaking. What was wrong? The doctor was stitching me up and Chris had left to be with Juniper and no one was telling me what was happening. I saw an oxygen tank being wheeled in. Why was no one telling me anything? Juniper was taken away and to the Nicu while a nurse full of attitude bossed me around for recovery. My heart was fully breaking, yet I couldn’t go see my girl yet. Later I learned that she had busted a tiny hole in her lung either during or right after labor. She was put on oxygen and if she could not repair the lung herself she would have to have a small procedure. It was so hard to not be able to be with my baby but knowing that this is something she could overcome, I had faith! I set my alarm for every 3 hours so I could come back to the Nicu and try to nurse Juniper, the nurses thought I was crazy and couldn’t believe I wasn’t sleeping but how could I sleep?! Baby needed me! She was taken off the oxygen after 24 hours and was doing great, then unexpectedly her oxygen intake plummeted and she had to be put back on. Heartbreak all over again. After 48 hours they took her off of the oxygen again and she was able to breathe all on her own! Her levels didn’t drop low and she was more alert and nursing a little stronger. I have never been happier. The Nicu nurse was amazing and I swear she is my new best friend even if she doesn’t know it. We were able to go home Friday evening and start our lives as a family of 3. I was so afraid to go home! How would I know that she was ok without the monitors and the amazing nurses? I had just had the scariest, happiest, and most exhausting days of my life. We are so blessed.

This story could have gone in so many other directions, so many bad things COULD have happened, but they didn’t, and we are so thankful. We brought home a healthy, beautiful, 7lb. 15oz baby and have loved every single minute. As I edit this, Juniper is now 5.5 weeks old. I love being Juniper’s mommy, I love exclusively breast feeding and knowing that I am providing her with all the nutrients she needs. I love her cuddles and her cries and her tiny feet and her perfect little nose. We are still loving every single minute and we are shocked at how quickly the time is passing. We are so blessed. 

I am the happiest I have ever been, ever.

Worry.

“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.”
― Dan Zadra


There are thousands and thousands of quotes when it comes to the art of worrying. At least that is what my Google search is telling me at 3am this morning, as I cannot sleep, riddled with worry. The quote above truly resonates with me, as I have always had a very wild and vivid imagination. Normally upon falling asleep each night my mind takes me to far away places (very happy places) and I fall asleep to dream about very weird, very silly things. I have never thought about a "good" imagination being associated with a deep level of worry although now that I do it makes a lot of sense. Just as my mind can make up an elaborate day dream where Chris and I travel the world with our children while learning different languages and saving orphans and living with dolphins...it can also go to a deeper, darker place, where I constantly think of all of the things that could go wrong. I have always deeply appreciated my sense of imagination. My imagination makes boring situations not so boring. My imagination has made nannying 100% more fun as I could relate and be silly with children on an entirely different level. I know I get my imagination from my mother, although I am pretty sure she doesn't have the worry side as I do. She is very much able to "live in the now", and has learned that stressing about tomorrow will do absolutely nothing for you.

Before this pregnancy I worried a little, but I ultimately knew that everything was going to be just fine one way or another. Now that I am pregnant I worry to the point of giving myself anxiety. I worry to the point of needing to Google "worry" at 3am when I should be sleeping. I worry to the point where I can not sleep... because my mind is too wildly worried.

I know tons of mothers who worry, even tons of seemingly laid back mothers who have a million different anxieties when it comes to their children. Is this part of the territory? Now instead of minimally worrying about yourself you have to maximally worry about another human being, one that for a short time you are solely responsible for? After nannying for extremely uptight mothers in the past I have always said I would never let myself turn into that person. I said I would still be fun and laid back and "careful - but not crazy". I see the mothers who cannot let their children climb a play set on their own in fears of the child slipping and falling. I see the parents using sippy cups until children are well past the age of being able to hold a "big kid cup" on their own in fears of the mess they may make. These things very well could happen, and do happen often, but does that mean we must hover under our child's every move to protect them from ever making a mistake or having an accident? I hope not.

Baby Juniper hasn't actually entered the real world quite yet, but I find myself worrying non-stop. Not just about pregnancy and birth related accidents, but about things months and years away. My once happy go lucky dreams have turned stressful. I woke the other night from a very vivid dream that I had already had our sweet baby girl. In the dream she was still on a 2-hour feeding schedule yet I kept forgetting and not feeding her until the 4 hour mark. I kept wondering why I was such a bad mother and how could I just go 2 extra hours without thinking to feed our baby?

I look around our house and think of all the things and places where she could hurt herself. I have a running list of what needs to be child-proofed once she is crawling, pulling up, walking. Mind you, some of the best children I have ever had the pleasure of nannying grew up in laid back households where parents did not believe in child proofing their home in any way and taught their children what not to touch...and I swore I would be this way too. But now I view the world as this huge entity just full of things that can hurt our baby. I worry that I will slip and fall while holding her. I worry that our house is too cold or too hot for her to sleep comfortably. I worry that we won't teach her to grow up and love the world around her because despite all of the scariness, it is a beautiful world to be in. I worry that I will accidentally complain about myself in the mirror in front of her and give her self-esteem issues. I worry that when she becomes a teenager she will hit that dark place that many teenagers hit and that I won't be able to reach her.

So, is this par for the course? Am I destined to be the crazy worrying over protective mother (who was once a very laid back, but cautious, fun loving nanny?) Is this normal for pregnancy? I know the crazier dreams can be blamed on pregnancy...I just hope this new found anxiety can be as well.


“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom,


I do not want the strength of today taken away with my worry for the future. I will find my happy, easy going, fun loving imaginative self again and I vow to not let my daughter grow up with a mother riddled with worry and anxiousness over things that are beyond our control. What will be, will be. I vow to let Juniper climb to the top of the play set so I can see the pride in her face when she accomplishes such a big feat, without her mother standing below begging her to be careful or to come back down. I vow to let her use a big girl cup just like my Montessori students did, so she can learn to wipe up her mess and move on - spilled milk is nothing to cry over. I vow to try daily to show her the beauty this world has to offer, whether it be from the kindness of ourselves or others, the amazing mountain sunsets in our own back yard, or simply through the amount of love that her father and I have for her.

FINAL COUNTDOWN!

                       .... & some nursery lovin' 


Baby Junipers nursery is all ready to go, we just need her to gain a little more fat over the next few weeks and then make her appearance! Eeeeek! SO excited! I didn’t think that getting the nursery together would be that important to me. I have always thought “Crib, dresser, clothes, done!” I now think that the nursery helps you to focus your energy on something other than “the countdown”…while you definitely have a count going on in your head, at least with a nursery project you can also have the thought “not yet – your room isn’t ready!”

My sweet Nana gave me her old sewing machine 4 years ago and as of last month I had never used it. Chris and I took it out one time, Googled “how to use a sewing machine”, couldn’t figure it out and returned it to the box for the next 3 years. Last month I decided there were two things I absolutely needed for Junipers nursery that I could not find anywhere. She NEEDED a pillow for her rocker, and a pendant banner to go over her crib and zero on the market were exactly what I was looking for. We loaded up the sewing machine and took it to a local sew shop and for free of charge…they taught me how to use it! I mean minimally, of course, I still had to Google tips and advice throughout the entire project, but I am so proud! 

Harper was very confused at this process. 

Are they perfect? No! Do I love them because they are the first projects I have attempted and I made them for our sweet baby girl? Yes! 

If anyone wants an imperfectly sewn anything for their baby made with little skill but lots of love – I’m your girl!

The color doesn’t come through just right in pictures, but her room is the prettiest lightest minty-est of colors. I didn’t want a loud or busy nursery. No hot pink and lime green zebra stripes over here. (No offense if that’s your style! More power to you!) I love that our bedroom is our sanctuary, where we sleep and relax; I wanted her nursery to be a relaxing sanctuary for her as well. 

I hope that my next blog post will be the welcoming of a very healthy Ms. Juniper Grace. We will hope and pray that the remainder of our pregnancy goes smoothly, safely, and healthy. Until then, Mommy, Daddy, Harper & Poncho will continue to wait as patiently as possible. Well… Mommy and Daddy will! Harper and Poncho will continue to not know what the hell is going on until their life is turned upside down with the arrival of a tiny new human who may steal some of their cuddles and attention.  

Just ask  if you’re interested to find out where any of the furniture came from. Between Target and Amazon it is all very well made, affordable, and easy to assemble pieces!

"Never gonna sleeeeep againnn"

I have heard people talk about that phase in the last trimester where your body/mind prepares you for having a child and waking up for feedings every few hours and you are no longer able to sleep. I don't think it is some crazy phenomena that your smart body is preparing you for- It is a very logical situation. It simply boils down to peeing every single hour, the inability to get comfortable, hurting once you have laid on one side for too long, but knowing that if you roll over to the other side you will be out of breathe for 10 minutes and your significant other will wake up to the sound of you heaving...from..rolling over. Tonight is the first night I have chosen to stay on the couch rather than stay in bed, not because I don't love my bed, but because I really do love my husband. I don't want any uncontrollable third trimester anger raging as he sleeps peacefully and I struggle to balance a pillow behind my back, a pillow between my legs, a pillow under my huge belly, two pillows under my head, and two feet out from under the blanket...because did I mention how being 25 pounds heavier makes you 50 degrees warmer?!

I would much rather complain about the sleep situation than the actual pregnancy. I feel so guilty if I whine about it because I know it could be way worse. I am growing a precious baby girl that Chris and I already love so much, and that alone makes up for feeling like a huge turtle stuck on its back. We have been very blessed that although at some point during this pregnancy I have experienced what seems like every pregnancy symptom known to (wo)man - so far Baby Juniper is healthy and so is this mommy.

We are literally on our final countdown. Next week we have our 36 week ultrasound appointment where we see approximately how much Juniper weighs, how long she is, and which direction she is facing. I do know that for the past 2 months she has been head down in the birth canal, and all of the sudden TONIGHT she has decided to flip over. Her cute little hiccups are now above my belly button rather than far below. I hope she turns her defiant little self back around before the doctor makes any decisions about the birthing situation! We haven't seen her since our 20 week ultrasound, so I am counting down the days until next appointment!

The nursery is complete. yall!  I will definitely be posting pictures soon seeing as I am quite proud of the outcome! I just picked a few colors and had an idea in my head a few months ago and it has come together so beautifully. We have lived in our house for a little over a year now and her room is literally the only "finished" room. We put lots of love and labor into it and seeing Chris put together ALL of the furniture with zero frustration or bad words is another adorable thing that shows me just how excited he is to meet his daughter!


Any week now our little girl will be here, in our arms, ready for hugs and kisses, and that my friends...is worth the not being able to sleep/breathe/eat/walk/bend over/ part.

What do 1st time parents NEED?!

Hey Yall!

We had a perfect fall weekend here in Colorado, topped off with SEC wins, peanut butter cookies, and pumpkin carving. We couldn't wait for the pumpkin patch to open - we purchased good ole grocery store punkins to get our Fall fix! Our good friend Katelyn and her sweet baby Aiden came over to carve with us - but look closely in the background - Sweet Aiden had more fun pulling up the old tomato plants (Thanks Buddy! A chore we have been avoiding!) It was so exciting just thinking that this time next year our little girl will be here and able to help us scoop out pumpkin seeds and wield the knife. ;)

Super proud of these pumpkins - I don't care that it's not even October yet!

Anyways, I have been reading everyyyyything on what first time parents may or not need and some of the things I have seen are absolutely ridiculous. I found one list which title read "The Ultimate First Time Mom Needs" and do you know what #2 on the list was? Do you even know?! Heels. High Heels. "A good pair of comfortable but sexy high heels to last you the third trimester and first couple of months with baby". Ummmmm. No thanks. I rarely wore heels as a non pregnant woman, there is no way I will start now. Heels made it even higher on this list than a crib!

So I figure I can read as many blogs and lists as I want to and still possibly not know what baby will need. I keep joking that I always start nanny jobs when the babies are 6 weeks old, so I have no clue what to do the first 5 weeks!

So mommies, mommies to be, any non mommy friends with newborn experience, Please help me out!  What would you add to the list of needs/wants/ that will make transitioning into this new life a little easier?

You Are Our Greatest Adventure...

I cannot even express how excited I am about the prints we ordered for Baby Junipers' nursery. They haven't been shipped yet but I cannot wait to share - so I am going to share the stock photos with the wrong name on them!

SUPER ADORABLE, right?! Because I purchased them on Zulily I cannot find the exact ones for you - but I do know that they are by Finny and Zook They have adorable height charts that I am debating purchasing, although it will be quite a while before Ms. Juniper can stand and be measured :)

The best time of the year is right around the corner - Fall is in the air, yall!  "Life starts all over when it gets crisp in the fall" - Fitzgerald   It really does feel like a new start when fall rolls around, more so than January 1st, in my opinion. Cooler weather comes and washes away the hot hot summer, leaves change into the most beautiful hues of autumn, and you get to cover up those couple of pounds you forgot to lose over the summer with the coziest of hoodies. Chris and I are a little too excited for purchasing colorful mums for the front porch and visiting the Pumpkin Patch in a couple of weekends for the most perfect pumpkins for carving! - Hopefully this trip won't turn out like last year, when we didn't make it to the Patch until after the first frost, and we basically arrived at a pumpkin graveyard. It's a great place affiliated with Denver Botanical Gardens and even has a a little pumpkin patch with child friendly sized pumpkins! On Pumpkin Festival weekend kiddos can get their faces painted, attempt the corn mazes, go on hay rides, and enjoy lots of tasty treats! Chatfield Pumpkin Festival

I look forward to sharing more of Junipers' nursery as it all comes together. (and our pumpkin carving ventures!)

 Happy Weekend!

<Thank you to everyone who has been so concerned, so far my hypothyroid levels are under control and Juniper is a healthy little kicking ninja baby. We can NOT wait to meet her!>