CBD

It’s rare that I’m still awake after everyone else in the house has fallen asleep. I like to rush to bed as soon as possible because I know my kiddos won’t be down for long. I’m so calm right now, and full of so much love and gratitude for my beautiful family. When I tickle Rivi or dance with him or do anything silly, he gives the best belly laugh you’ve ever heard while cooing “maaamaaaaaa” and it’s seriously the best thing I’ve ever heard and I never want to forget it. Juniper has been giving me a run for my money lately, but ultimately all she wants is all my love. How amazing is that? That my biggest annoyance is someone wanting all of my love?! It may be hard to fall asleep with your toes in my back, it may be hard to listen to every one of your 50,000 words per day. But giving you all of my love, always? Easy. Done and done. I’m married to my best friend. I know everyone says that and it’s just so cliche but it’s also just so true. We laugh, constantly. He does anything to make me and our babies smile and I’ll never take that for granted.

BUT I am not writing this as some “look at me my life is so great” brag post. I COULD not have written this post a month ago, or three months ago. Because anxiety is a bitch. With all of my health stuff since January of this year I’ve felt myself growing more and more anxious. Literally walking around like a ticking time bomb, just wondering when my lips would swell and my body would erupt in hives. Slowly during the last year (I didn’t notice at the time) I became more and more impatient. I was losing my temper, snapping, and even yelling at my kiddos. (Kids do need discipline, they don’t need a mother who reacts in the moment with impatience and anxiety) Which is exactly what I was doing, only I hadn’t realized it yet.

 I took CBD for my anxiety at the begginning of the year and I felt myself calmer and more in the moment. I have been out for about 7 months and recently when I really looked hard at my life and accepting that I was NOT practicing self care I decided to figure out what was missing. Juniper had given up naps so I was no longer exercising or journaling. I hadn’t done yoga in months and I was out of cbd. As I almost had a panic attack during Junipers bedtime routine, I marched straight downstairs and asked Chris where the nearest dispensary was. I HAD to start a regimen again. That night I started hemp CBD for anxiety, the next day I started journaling and a week later I started exercise and yoga again. I. Am. A. Whole. New. Person. I like myself again. I’m (mostly) proud of how I respond to my kids during the day, not react. But more importantly I know I’m taking care of myself. That I am doing everything I can to be the best me, so that I can be a good mother and wife and family member and friend. Although I’m a firm believer in CBD, (for all my older friends (grandma) reading- not that it should matter - but cbd is from hemp and has NO THC.;).  I’m not telling you that YOU should go start a CBD  regimen, I just wanted to remind you that you’re worth taking care of, too. Whether it’s booking a therapy appt, going for a run, or picking back up a habit or hobby that made you destress. We give so much of ourselves to everyone else and we deserve that same care and affection from within. It may have taken me years to realize, but I love finally knowing that I’m worth the extra work, too.

I got that sunshine in my pocket

I spent many years of my life refusing to let myself be happy. Believing that if I truly allowed myself that freedom of just loving life, that it would hurt all the more when the next blow hit. Whenever a family member would relapse, or get in trouble, it totally blindsided me. I never knew when she wasn’t sober. I would be happily skipping through life, only to be struck in the kneecaps with bad news. I would derail. I would drink. (Not that drinking is BAD, but hidden vodka in your room in high-school is bad) Skip school. Block out everyone. Ignore my friends. Not speak to family. Go on super loud car rides and scream the lyrics to The Used (I still do this 😂) but still, I didn’t have very good coping skills. 

That’s more personal than I wanted to get but I felt a little back story was necessary to get this point across, I am so, so, so grossly happy. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid the universe will strip it away, never to be found again. I now finally know that I will find it again. We lost our dog last week, I have some health stuff, but these things no longer prohibit me from happiness. Life isn’t perfect, and if I have anything to thank my imperfect life for, it’s that after 31 years I’ve finally learned to roll with the punches.  There is something so freeing about being yourself, and being happy with that self. Not letting outside influences determine what makes you happy or what makes you tick. 

I’ve also discovered with this happiness, that others don’t know what to do with it. I’ve had good friends kind of confused by it. Or who try to point out the negatives in a situation when I am trying to see a positive.  Why do we do this to each other? I’m at a point in my life where I ONLY want to lift each other up. I only want to be surrounded with positivity and love and big dreams. I’ve even found myself FAKE commiserating with people, because I guess it’s just not normal for someone to be sleep deprived and chunky but still having sunbeams shooting out of their face 😂. I’m sarcastic and self-deprecating by nature and by habit, but y’all, I’m HAPPY. I have my kids. My amazing husband. My family. My golden old friends and my shiny new friends. But none of them are the SOURCE of my happiness. I’ve just finally found it and it feels pretty amazing, I hope you find it too. 💕

Keeping it real.

I’ve had a few different posts I’ve been wanting to make lately, but life is short and free time in my life is even shorter, so I decided to lump it all together here. 

I am not a saint. When I am extremely stressed out I am kind of known for dropping the F bomb. I know I should never do this in front of the kids, but.... I’m human and it has. 

Juniper, Rivi and I rushed to the post office Monday right before nap time (strike #1) and both of them were on that slippery slope of losing all rationality when sleepiness takes over.  The line was out the door (strike #2) but I had just lugged them and all of the packages out of the car and I was determined to make this work. Midway through line and Juniper starts getting antsy. I quietly bribe her with a cake pop because I was daydreaming about coffee anyways. Let’s just say ... she did not earn a cake pop. On the way to the car I’m holding Rivi on my hip and carrying a kicking and screaming Juniper out to the car surfboard style - when she calls me a name. 

Ok. Back pedal. Her new thing when she is frustrated is to make up a stream of insults to call you. Luckily she thinks “middle” is a bad word and it usually goes “you stinky angry mad bad middle boo boo boob guy mad middle head.”  Whatever, kid. Get it out. Well ...

In the post office parking lot on a very busy day, getting a few stares because of my wailing toddler, Juniper screams “I WAS BEHAVED ENOUGH FOR A CAKE POP, FUCK HEAD. “

I’m in total disbelief. I have better insults than that, so she’s definitely never heard me call anyone a Fhead. I try to ignore it and somehow strap her into the car seat (anyone notice how a tantrumy toddler legit turns into an octopus? For some reason there’s extra arms and legs and wrestling them into the car seat is nothing short of a miracle. Anyways. This is where she calls me the name again. I think she’s more afraid that I’m being totally silent. 

I slam her door because I can have attitude too, Juniper. ;) 

I squat down below the window where she cannot see me, and I laugh harder than I have in my entire life. Until tears are streaming down my face and I’m having to catch my breathe. Because WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?? I get in the car silent still and she’s pretty concerned. We talk about name calling, she knows that one is a huge no, she loses tv for the day, and all is well.  

Which leads into story #2. I’ve been ready to take away all screen time for a while but needed the motivation. That was my motivAtion. (Also reading that article where screen time to kids is like cocaine to adults). I told Juniper the doc called and explained how bad TV is for our brain and that from now on she can only get one show in the morning while I make breakfast, and then it’s off for the rest of the day. My child is a brand new child and were only on day 4. She plays again, she’s kind, there has been no name calling. She’s sleeping better, eating better, interested in crafts and learning and constantly wanting to be outside. It’s amazing. Not going to lie, a little more exhausting for me. But it forces me to stay present, put my phone down, and really BE with the kids all day.  I go to bed way more exhausted, but I have a little more pride in our day.  Worth it. 

Which leads me to my closing story. Recently I stepped out of the shower and asked Juniper to bring me a towel, I had wet curly hair and clearly was naked, she walks in and says “here’s a towel mom, oh wow, you look like MAUI”. (From Moana. I’ll include pic). I was thinking ok, maybe this isn’t so bad. So I said “I look super strong and powerful?!”  And she says “No mom. You have crazy hair and a squishy tummy”.  (I made sure she knew I was proud of my squishy tummy that grew my babies ... but still hurt a little 😂) 

Life with toddlers, y’all. Just keeping it real. And forever keeping their parents humble. 

(Ps - Rivi is a chill angel baby who I can’t get enough of. He’s independent and learning to tantrum so don’t worry, he will get some more blog time soon enough :) 

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/5/54/Maui.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20161226102355

LIVE YOUR TRUTH

I learned a huge lesson in 2017. Live your truth. I heard it echoed again in Oprah’s phenomenal speech at the Golden Globes last night and thought I would expand on what it means to me. In 2017 I decided that I would not be fake, not for anyone. Not to gain new mommy friends. Not to keep old friends. Not to fit in where I don’t belong. I like the woman I am, and the ever-evolving woman I am becoming. I will not apologize for myself, my beliefs, my husbands career, or how I raise my children. I’ve said a few times that 2017 built me instead of breaking me. What I mean is that - I realized what’s truly important to me. The 5 weeks Rivi was in the Nicu - I FELT myself evolving. I felt my fierce mama bear come out as I decided - this is the only thing that is important. Through tears one night I told Chris - THIS is all that matters. My children. My husband. For me to be the best mother and wife I can be, for me to live MY truth, I had to let go of all the other outside factors I had deemed important. Were my friendships and family important? Absolutely. Are they MORE important than my own and my children’s well-being? No. It was that simple to let go. I could not maintain cross country relationships at the same level that I had been trying since we moved away, it was exhausting.  I thought that “looking” like a good mom was important. I tried to buy mom clothes and have makeup on before I left the house, and I hate both shopping and applying make up. I would apologize for my weight. Why am I apologizing for my appearance?! I have major thyroid problems and I enjoy carbs. No apologies necessary.  Last year I stopped wearing makeup altogether and it was so liberating for me. THIS IS ME. My true self. Literally. Freckles and all. Take it or leave it. I want my children to grow up knowing that whoever they are inside - in their soul - when living their truth - that it’s ok to be that person. I don’t want my loud, loving, smart, strong-willed, demanding head-strong daughter to lose those attributes because I and society spend years telling her it’s not acceptable behavior for a girl. Strong-willed, loud, smart woman are who literally change the world. I want my babies to grow up knowing that they have the power to help change the world. So this is my goal for 2018 - continue to live my truth. Whether it’s ugly or hurtful or painful or beautiful and liberating, be who I am. Feel what I feel when I feel it, with no apologies. Stand up for what I believe in, fight for what I believe is right, while loving and respecting those arouund me. I hope in the process my children will learn valuable lessons about what is truly important and that they too, will learn to live their best lives, being true to their selves. 

Potty training gave me shingles

Let's talk about potty training and stress! Oh my gosh y'all, I was a nervous wreck. Juniper is almost 3 and I just WANTED this for her. I was dreading the arguing and the battles and the pee on my couch. She's a strong willed girl with a huge opinion of her own on how she wants things done... I just knew it was going to be awful. None of those things ever happened. Juniper was super motivated with Halloween candy and was totally trained in 3 days, never had an accident,and on a pretty decent sugar high.

Day 3 I had a killer headache and neck/upper body pain. I thought I was coming down with the flu or slept wrong or extreme pms - I couldn't tell - but I was miserable. The next day I thought I had 3 bug bites on my side below my bra - super random!? Then a rash developed so I assumed I was allergic to the bug bites... except it felt like I was on fire. The next day the 3 "bites" were tripled to a cluster of 10 and it hurt for my clothes to touch or anything. It dawned on me it had to be shingles.

I went to urgent care on Saturday where they told me it was an allergic reaction and to use hydrocortisone. I was SO UPSET. I've had allergic reactions and I know what they feel like.  It also made me feel crazy that 1. No one was listening to me and 2. That maybe I did make up how bad it hurt?! I called my doctor Monday to get me in asap.

I go in today and another two sets of "bug bites" have started - my doctor saw my side for one second and said "absolutely classically textbook shingles"..... relief that I can finally get better AND that I'm not crazy. Unless you stress so hard over potty training that you give yourself shingles.... maybe a little crazy. But in my defense - Rivi isn't old enough for the chicken pox vaccine and I've been super worried that the longer I go untreated the more likely he is to get it.

Moral of the story - POTTY TRAINING IS STRESSFUL AND SHINGLES REALLY HURT.


Ps  shingles is the chicken pox virus that stays dormant in your body/nerves for the rest of your life if you've had chicken pox before. 1 in 5 will develop shingles if they've had chicken pox although it is most common in older people. It's becoming more prevalent in younger people and they believe it's because of stress - and because of the vaccine.

They say ya can't go home

Visits back to Ga for me are so bittersweet. I love seeing family and friends. I love showing my kids where I grew up. I love sweet tea. Hunting lightning bugs with Juniper is a new favorite memory. Having my first 1-1 time with Rivi while Juniper plays with family has been special too. But nothing ages me more than coming "home". Nothing makes me as introspective. I left as a young 25yo with not a lot of cares and this visit I am back as a 31yo mom of 2 with a ton of responsibilities. When I last lived here I could meet you at a bar on a whim, I could stay up late, I could even make plans! When I visit now, my days are quick and sporadic outings planned between bottles and naps and sleep schedules. Even more so than when in Oregon because my kids are also on a different time zone. I feel like I have constantly had to explain why I can't do something or go somewhere. It annoys other people. My baby gets HANGRY and screams in restaurants until I need to leave and wait outside with him. Which leaves a toddler upset and crying for mama ... which means while others enjoy their meal, I'm hanging outside with two young kids who are over it. ( not fun FYI). Rivi is too distracted on the go and he won't eat, which equals a super fussy baby and us up all night feeding to make up the calories (not so fun, either). It doesn't annoy me though. I wouldn't trade this stage or wish it away. It's hard. I'm so exhausted. I barely ever have time to dry my hair and I'm covered in spit up and snot every single day. If I move out of Rivis line of sight for a second he has a meltdown. But jesus it goes by quickly and I'll miss it so damn much. I'll miss Rivi burying his face into my neck. I'll miss Juniper asking "hold you mama" and "let's go chat bout it". and "dis fun mama bear". One day my life won't revolve around bottles and naps and I know I'll yearn for it. I won't wish this away. So friends, I miss you! It's not personal. I'm just nose deep in mama/baby hood & my babies needs will always come first. ❤









Well, I came a long way to be here today
And I left you so long on this avenue.
And here I stand in the strangest land
Not knowing what to say or do.
As I gaze around at these strangers in town
I guess the only stranger is me.
And I wonder, yes, I wonder,
Is this the way life's meant to be?
—Electric Light Orchestra, "The Way Life's Meant to be".

Let's talk about PPD/PPA

PPD and PPA is 20-40% more likely with a baby in the Nicu. I coped okay during the actual Nicu stay, numbing those feelings down with the hospitals donuts. (😱) and getting by on sheer exhaustion, only crying during the car ride to and from home. Once Rivi came home though, the donuts were gone, his inability to nurse was real, and my sanity was GONE. I felt as if I had lost myself and was drowning in motherhood.

Before Rivi was put on reflux medicine we spent hours of our day with him screaming, whether in pain or because he was so hungry but it hurt him to eat. Add in a very jealous toddler, a Mama who didn't get a chance to take care of herself post emergency c-section, and a baby who was only quiet if he was asleep, and I was at my wits end. I cried. A lot. Breastfeeding is very important to me, and having to let that go probably causes the most anxiety. Rivi having random bouts of vomiting and ending up back in hospital, that caused a ton of anxiety. I remember around 3am one morning and Rivi had been screaming for 4 hours. I knew Juniper would be up in 3 and that I was looking at another day with zero sleep. I cried while looking out the window and seriously longed to just drive away. I clearly couldn't help my screaming baby so he would be better off without me anyways. The thoughts were so strong that I knew it was time to get help. I scheduled a PPD appt immediately. This is huge. I didn't want to be medicated. I didn't want any reason to retain/gain more weight. But my need to be healthy mentally for my children was greater than my dislike of medication and weight issues. Unfortunately for me, the doctors office really dropped the ball here. My first two appts they scheduled when the doctor wasn't even in, so when I arrived, I was went sent away. (And since getting showered, dressed, both kids happy and settled for me to go to the doctor took all day, this really sucked) The third appt was cancelled last moment. I'm so thankful that I was in an ok enough mental state to wait out these cancellations. I kept thinking "wow, if a Mama was worse off than me this could be a really, really bad thing". In the meantime I started meditating again. Not for long, just a few quiet moments through the day to focus and regroup. "In with the calm, out with the chaos" was/is my mantra. I hate yelling at Juniper. Yet I found my exhaustion huge and my patience thin and I was ashamed of how I was parenting.

My PPD/PPA felt like a black hole. Everything was a blur and I was in a very dark place. I barely remember any details from the first 2.5 months. Add in where you are *supposed* to be totally loving your new life with your sweet newborn baby and not be overwhelmed and sad and anxious, and it only worsened.  I did have the blissful newborn experience with Juniper, after her nicu stay and kidney scare. We had time to stare lovingly into each other's eyes, nurse around the clock, and nap together everyday after our sleepless nights. I think this helped me to recognize I wasn't in the same place when Rivi was home. Had I not experience that with Juniper, I may not have known something was "off".

Eventually Rivi started screaming less (reflux medicine 🙌), eventually little by little I felt the black hole starting to chip away. I literally felt as if every few days a bit of light would shine back into my darkness. Maybe I was able to blow dry my hair. Maybe I got laundry and dinner and cuddles done without feeling it was all overwhelming and impossible. Maybe both kids took naps and whining was minimal. I remember about a month ago when Chris said something funny and I laughed... and it turned into crying. Happy crying. It was the first time I could recall laughing since put on bed rest in December. Another light shining through.

I found myself singing along to music again, instead of numbly going through the motions of the day, more of the darkness chipping away.

Some days are still hard. Having a toddler a a newborn is no joke. Having very few friends (who are still brand new to you) in a new state and being 2,000 miles away from family and YOUR people, the ones that get you, is really hard. I still don't complete all the tasks on my list and I still lose my patience, but the light is shining again. I'm happy and hopeful and no longer wanting to drive away into the night.

I feel as if the nicu robbed me of bonding with Rivi, and then not being able to nurse him made me feel even further away. The endless hours of screaming where I could not help or seem to comfort him made me feel like a total failure as his mother.

I felt like I dropped the ball daily (and I probably did) but there was no rebound for me then. One hard morning spiraled into a hard day, evening, and night. I recently saw a quote that read "was it really a hard day? Or was it a hard 5 minutes that you milked all day?" It's helped to remind me that we can always turn our day around.

PPD and PPA is so common, and so many moms (like me) are afraid to ask for help. Afraid to acknowledge that this job of motherhood, that our bodies are literally made for, could be so difficult. Ashamed that while others are experiencing a blissful newborn experience, we are 2 minutes away from lots of tears at any given moment.

Meditation has been my most helpful tool, I am able to calm when stressed, be in the moment, and be aware of myself when I may be slipping and not taking care of my mental health.  Having a husband who although has no advice (sweet man) but will tirelessly listen to me vent and talk through my emotions really helps a ton. Of course all of my friends through txt support have been a life saver.

I'm able to appreciate the little moments again. Rivi is such a ham. He loves to give big smiles over and over until his little cheeks are red and he's just giggling! Juniper just walked past me carrying a canned la croix and a bag of chips 🙄and I had to smile at my toddler teen.

Please friends, pay attention to your mental health. Mommin IS hard, but if you find yourself feeling like you're in a very dark place, that there is no hope, or that your children are better off without you, please seek help immediately. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Our hormones are changing and we're now in charge of a baby (or a baby + siblings! 😱) and it IS overwhelming. ❤

In with the calm, out with the chaos.

Twice since Easter weekend has Rivi been in the hospital. Blood work and IVs and Mama crying helplessly as my baby is poked and prodded. Add in the worry of what the tests may show and the fear of needles and I'm basically just hyperventilating in a corner. Seeing my tiny babe all hooked up to monitors and tubes sends me right back to the NICU where I developed some real postpartum anxiety.  Last weekend we were sent to the hospital as my baby was tested for leukemia. It was a very false alarm and a bad misjudgment on the doctors behalf but it was the scariest hour of my life waiting for those results. This baby just hasn't had an easy entrance into the world. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis, amplified when he is sick, is out of control. I've recently started meditating again. Meditative breathing first thing in the morning and then focusing on what our goals are for the day. Peace. Calm. Patience. Empathy. Kindness. "In with the calm, out with the chaos". We had the best few mornings we've had in quite a while since I've started this again.... Skip ahead a few hours to Rivis routine 4 month appt as we find out that he needs surgery. I kept it together. I stayed calm. I didn't hyperventilate or cry. I asked questions and was told we can't really discuss the plan until after he has an ultrasound. It's a small surgery. (He has a  hydrocele in his testicle that has become herniated. Very common in premature boys. They warned us in the Nicu that if it didn't heal on its own and it became herniated that surgery would be required). I know we're scheduling another event where my baby will be poked and prodded and have an IV and monitors and my mama heart wants to run for a corner and scream and cry and think of how unfair this is. (While the more rational side knows that it could be worse. It could always be worse, and that life isn't fair). I've got to reach deep for some inner peace.

So there's our update. Rivi Roo you are the smiliest, happiest little love. Our family is complete with you. You're growth is right on track and the doctor isn't worried about you otherwise at. all. Your sister refers to herself as your "Super doctor Juju!" And likes to "save the day!" to keep you safe. ❤

Nothing ever goes as planned

I've spent about a week accepting this, and the same amount of time even deciding if I could share or not. But it's nothing to be ashamed of so here goes: Rivi and I's nursing journey is over. And it's heart breaking and a relief all at once. I've battled with supply since the very beginning. Super common with nicu stays and the stress level but I was so damned determined. I was taking absurds amount of fenugreek, alfalfa, malunggay leaf, lecithin DAILY, and prescribed Reglan. I ate all the oatmeal and avocados and salmon and drank so much water I couldn't stand it.  I pumped every 2-3 hours and constantly had lactation remind me I wasn't making enough. I rented the hospital grade pump for 300$ plus $65 additional month.
I. Was. Making. My. Self. Crazy... and depressed.

Rivi nursed on and off for 6 hours the other night. I at first thought it was cluster feeding and then realized - he was just too weak to transfer any milk. He cried, I cried, and I gave him a bottle and felt totally defeated. But he was fed, and happy, and it was still breast milk. Then I went to pump .... nothing. A FRACTION of what I was used to getting, and as I cried and cried I admitted to myself.. I'm done. The thought of even pumping or nursing became something that made me feel naesous. I would dread when Rivi woke and needed to eat because I couldn't produce enough for him. Bc my nipples were cracked and bleeding and raw from the relentless hours of trying to make this work. The guilt of knowing I nursed Juniper for a year and wouldn't have the same relationship with Rivi.

Everything about Rivis entrance into the world has been stressful. My baby will only be this tiny once, and instead of enjoying his sweetness and cuddles and being thankful that he was finally home, I was full of anxiety over wanting him strong enough to nurse, and of me needing to pump more. Poor Rivi. And poor Juniper who sat and waited while I pumped, nursed, topped off with bottle, repeat.


There is nothing wrong with formula. This isn't a "I'm so depressed my baby is on formula" post, this is about me having a goal set (to EBF my baby) and having to give up. I felt like a quitter. But ...

The most important thing is a happy and healthy baby, and a happy and healthy mama. More importantly, a mentally healthy mama. I was sleep deprived and angry and making myself sick over breast feeding. Now that we're done, and I've used the rest of the frozen milk and transitioned to formula.. we. are. great. My baby and I are finally bonding. He's happy and fed and having much more wake time because he isn't over exerting himself at the breast. I am able to be present for both of my kids, and it feels so great.

At first I wanted to write this to justify why I quit. Instead I want to use it to say.. it's okay. We're all doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given. I wish someone would have told me it was okay instead of "pump even more!" Or "eat X Y and Z" or "your supply just isn't enough for your baby can you get donor milk?"  and "your chest is so large I can't believe they are inadequate". I felt judged and defeated and not good enough for my baby. I felt inadequate. Y'all. Im telling you. Breast milk is amazing ... but a mentally healthy mama is much more amazing for her baby. You do you, boo 😘

Thank you to my friends who have told me it is okay.  That I was doing enough. That I was enough for my babies. Thank you for checking on my baby and my mental health. Thank you for getting me through the worst. And for anyone else going through the same battle... I'm telling you... ITS OKAY.

My baby girl is 2!

I wanted to make a 2yr update for Juniper, and I want to brag on my daughter. Just a no holding back, proud mama brag blog. I want Juniper to look back on this one day and know that even though I'm hyper focused on getting Rivi home, her amazingness did not go unnoticed! These last 7.5 weeks have been insanely hard on all of us. Some days chris and I are barely getting by. That being said, I can't imagine what Juniper is going through. She doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what's going on (or does she?). We can explain all day but she doesn't know what "mommy is in hospital until further notice" means, or "mommy has to leave you and go see Rivi at doctor and when he's all better he gets to come to our house". It's all just been so much for her. She hasn't taken it totally in stride, she's given up naps, her tantrums last a little longer and are a little harder to tame, and when she's mad she's started throwing things. A lot of that is just being 2, as well.

She had her 2yr appt last week and the doctor was blown away by her vocabulary. She told the doctor all about "Baby Roovy" being with the doctor and needing boobie milk and having a bed and blankets and coming home "laler".  When it's time for me to come visit her brother she says "ok mama take Roovy milk and come back". Before all of this, mama couldn't walk out of the room to pee, much less tell her good bye. She's full of so much empathy, she doesn't like when she hears anyone crying, and when I was recovering from surgery she was so sweet and careful and helpful. "Your booboo hurt mama? I sowwy. Need doctor? Need medicine? I be doctor Juju" ❤ Melt. My. Heart.

Today she told me that her diaper hurt her vagina 😂 and that she wanted to sit on the potty. We've never discussed the potty. Life is too hectic right now to add potty training into the mix. Well daddy let her sit on the big potty and I got the little one out for her. She sat on it for a few minutes and forgot about it. This evening when I came to see "Roovy" Juniper asked daddy to take her to sit on the potty. And. She. Peed. In. It. As much as I hated to not be home for it, I'm so so proud of her! (And proud of daddy because he got a video for me 😂 and celebrated with ice cream. He's pretty good at this dad thing)

Juniper Grace you amaze me every single day. You are kind and smart and silly and strong willed to the point of exhaustion but that could just be the not napping! ;) you love to color (your face and hands) and paint and play with blocks to "build houses". Chasing Harper is your fave pastime and your current favorite foods are blueberries, pasta, and bacon 😂😩 (sweet girl you don't eat meat at all. We've tried and given up. But if daddy makes bacon you are all over it). We love you so, so much.

Finding balance.

This. Is. hard. Have you ever had something that makes you question how strong you are? Makes you think to yourself "I can't do this. How can I possibly do this. Why do I have to do this. How did this even happen?!" I thought bed rest and being away from Juniper was hard (it was) but having a baby in the NICU is far, far worse. I am so tired. I am so overwhelmed. I am so conflicted with dividing time between both of my children. I am so, so sad. I am recovering from a c section. I am pumping every 3 hours as premie babies should NOT have formula. But my supply is so low. I am stressed. I'm so thankful the hospital has donor breast milk to supplement with my own, but what about in a couple of weeks? My baby needs my milk. Leaving Rivi in the hospital when it's time to come home rips me open all over again. I stumble through the icy snowy parking lot in tears and have to pull it together when I get to the car, because the roads are far too dangerous as it is to add in my emotions.

My current day:
6:30am pump - juniper awake - play
9:30-  pump - shower - pack for hospital
12:30 - hospital - pump - cuddly my baby -
3:30 - pump and home
4- play with Juniper - start planning dinner
6:30 - Juniper bedtime and pump, then I eat
7- back to hospital
8:30- 9:30 power pump while I get to hold Rivi
9:45 -wash pump parts and head home
Sleep for an hour
11:30 pump
3:30 allow myself a 4 hour stretch, pump
6:30- awake and pump

I need sleep. I know there is an end goal, I know all the cuddles with baby will help him grow (his heart rate lowers to a steady pace and his breathing stays calm once they love him from heated bed to my chest ❤️)

The occupational therapist came in today and went over all the things to expect with a 2 month premature baby. That's when It actually hit me, I have a 2 month premature baby. Of course I knew that, but I didn't think of the long term implications. I didn't know sounds and lights and smells are 50x more vivid for a premature baby and that I'll need to limit noise and lights and get rid of candles/scented soaps/ etc. once baby is home. I didn't realize his milestones would be "two months adjusted", and when he's 2 months old we will treat him as a newborn, and 4 months as a 2 month old, so on. I'm terrified. What if I mess something up. What if my baby comes home confused and overwhelmed.

I'm exhausted. The 2.5 hours at a time that I sleep at night are restless and uncomfortable, because it's just hard to sleep cozy after abdominal surgery. My mind races with time frames and what needs to happen tomorrow.

I know I need more rest, Chris is so amazing and supportive. But mamas please tell me, when have you ever actually taken the time to "get rest"? We know our babies come first. It doesn't matter the toll.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful baby made it to 33 weeks instead of being born when my water broke at 29 weeks. I am trying to focus on how thankful I am, and not become bitter. I've questioned enough WHY did my water break. WHY did this happen. I'll never ever have those answers. But I do have a healthy tiny baby who is working hard to come home with his family.

Bah Humbug

I've been in the hospital two weeks now. Baby Rivi and I have made it to 31 weeks pregnant, which is amazing. The goal is 3-4 more.

I'm struggling today. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, today is dreary and rainy and I just want to be home with my family and warm by the fire with our dogs. It's weird, bc I know the hospital is the safest place for Rivi, and I know the doctors fully believe in hospital bed rest after PPROM bc the risk of infection for him or I is way too high to risk going home and not making it back in time, or not catching something wrong early enough. I know the monitoring 3-4x a day is very important for baby. I KNOW all of these things. Yet it doesn't really make being here any easier. Mostly bc I feel ok. I'm not in pain or really uncomfortable and I FEEL like I could be home on bed rest. (Realistically how much would I stay in bed w/ a Juniper and dogs and chores?). So I get it.

But this sucks. I just went to the hospital gift shop before it closes for holidays and got something for Renee and Chris, and a few things for Juniper. Bc I feel like I'm totally slacking for Christmas. There won't be any Santa laid out for my girl, there won't be the Christmas morning food and treats I had planned or leaving cookies for Santa and his reindeer... and even though I know I have next year, it hurts. And I know she won't remember, and I know Chris could do it all without me, but it just feels all wrong. And so, so sad.

Ultimately all I want is this baby boy to be safe and healthy and a very short Nicu stay. I want to hold him and cuddle him and know that all of this was not for vain, but for his very livelihood. I hopes he's planning on being a mamas boy because he's already made me worry so much he's never leaving my sight ;)

Hope ya didn't come here for a happy, positive, uplifting read, bc I don't have it in me. I know it could be worse. I know others have it way worse. I know I'm blessed to have amazing doctor care and loving supportive husband and a mother in law who jumped on a plane to immediately come help with Juniper. It just doesn't feel like Christmas.  Bah Humbug

PPROM

PPROM

Preterm premature rupture of membranes. My water broke Saturday 12/10/16 in my sleep at 5:30 AM. At 29 weeks 1 day pregnant. I calmly got dressed and asked Chris not to come to the hospital with me because Juniper was sleeping and we all know how important toddler sleep is. I also assumed they would tell me I peed my pants and to go home. The nurses probably assumed that would be the case too. After they confirmed it was amniotic fluid the entire mood in the room shifted. The nurses were nervous glancing. This changed things. This was hospital bed rest. This was premature baby. This was no going home to see my girl and husband. I cried. Hard. Ugly cried. I almost felt bad for the nurses and doctor, but I couldn't control it.

I was told no matter what we won't keep Rivi in past 34 weeks bc it's too dangerous for him and myself. No matter what we're looking at here, there's going to be a nicu stay. Statistically labor happens within 48 hours of PPROM, and the rest within a week. I'm holding hope that I am one of the few who make it weeks.

This only happens to 5% of women without a pre-existing medical condition. I am one of the 5%.

I won't go into details of the emotions over the past few days or even now, because I don't want to type them and relive them or even share them yet, maybe ever. But they were far, far from positive.

I've had IV of antibiotics, Rivi has gotten his steroid shots for his lungs, and we were on every 6hr monitoring. On Saturday my amniotic fluid was a 12 (normal is 5-22). So low end, but okay. I couldn't go home bc risk of infection and preterm labor was too probable.

Today at 29w6days (in 2.5 hours we get to say 30 weeks!) Rivi had an irregular monitoring session. His heartrate was dipping like crazy. We got the ultrasound guy in here and his amniotic fluid is down to just 2.5. I am on constant monitoring now and the worry about my premature baby is back full force. Every ache, every pain, every tightening or cramping of stomach and I'm worried that labor is beginning.

I'm trying to make this update be factual, not emotional. I'm not ready to share or address these emotions. All I can say is, this is hard. This sucks. But every day Rivi stays in, is another day to a healthier baby and a shorter Nicu stay.

At this point I have no control, and no idea what may happen.  Depending on how baby is doing I will possibly be having an emergency c-section. I wanted vaginal. Babies can't suckle/nurse until 33 weeks, I wanted to breastfeed desperately. All I want now is healthy. My tiny love will be on a CPAP for breathing and a feeding tube until we can get him old enough and strong enough to nurse. And only having those two things is absolutely best case scenario.

We were told to get helicopter insurance (so we did). If he needs a procedure we will have to be flown to Portland. My mind can't wrap around all of this. I can't process it yet.

So that's the gist of details for those who have been wondering the medical/technical side. They are currently setting up a delivery area in my room, where as they don't believe it will necessarily be tonight, but when things change they change quickly and they want to be prepared.

Right now I'm savoring the hour or so that I see Chris and Juniper a day, and hoping/praying this baby stays inside and grows stronger for a while longer. I know the NICU journey will be much more difficult than the bed rest journey, and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself.

Thank you so much for all of the flowers, calls, txt, messages, comments, prayers and love. They're so appreciated.

almost 2..... mama denial....

HOW are you almost 2 😩


Juniper will be TWO years old in 6.5 weeks. I can barely wrap my brain around this. It feels as if time has flown by and it couldn't possibly be two years already, and that you've been here all along. There's so much I want to remember:

- You're  counting! To 10, all on your own and unprompted. Pretty sure you only understand what 1 and 2 are, but it's still precious to hear and see how proud you are.
- Your vocabulary is astounding to us. We're always amazed at what you remember, repeat, and come up with.
- Some favorite phrases of ours:
- "sit by" or "sit bottom" when you either want to sit on the counter, or want us to sit by you.
- "Ohhhhh I sowwy mama. I sowwy. You k?"
- After a big sadness or tantrum with tears "I cyin mama. I cy"
- Danks ma!
- You only drink water and milk, and anything you aren't allowed to have you think is "beer". Was cute at first, but it's a little awkward walking through a store super pregnant while you point at bottles or cans and call them "mommy daddy beer!"  At least you've learned coffee now and mostly yell out "mama cofE daddy beer!"
- You have come to with your own sort of rationalizing/self soothing. If you can't have something at that moment you usually stop fussing and say "k. Store laler" (later!) even if we say no to iPad usage, you tell yourself it's ok, get one at the store later 😂
- You're obsessed with doggies. You wake up asking to go visit Sheba at the farm and randomly talk about her. Yesterday at an outdoor restaurant you were making your rounds and petting all the dogs (thanks Oregon!) and ran straight up to a huge pit bull. No fear, my girl.
- I semi regret ever buying a wagon bc you are 100% OVER the stroller. It's wagon or nothing!
- Your fave foods are apples, asparagus, eggs, and unfortunately any chip daddy will let you have. You cried so hard for the jalapeño chips he had that you ate a few like a champ, just to prove your point.
- You did better with our big move than expected. You need mama to rub your back for you to fall asleep now, and I have to remind myself to see it as a blessing and not an annoyance, bc one day you won't want me to anymore.
- Your tantrums are tenfold. I can't even.
- When another child cries when we are out and you are nearby you walk your shy self over and silently lay your hands on their back or pat them until their mommies come over. Melts my whole heart. Kindness and compassion go a long way, and I hope it's something we can instill for a lifetime.
- You HATE Santa.  You even told us you don't want new toys if they have to come from "dat man" 😂
- You love looking at photo albums and pointing out your family members. You beg to FaceTime neenee every couple of days!
- Harper and Poncho are either your best friends or biggest enemies, depending if you're defending a snack or not.
- One of my faves ... when I'm laying with you you crawl up really close and ball up your fists and gently rub them over my eyes while saying "tired mama? Tired? It's ok mama. Tired".
- Singing is your passion. For now. Seriously. You ask to sing/dance multiple times a day. No matter what is on you are humming along and pretending you know the words.
- Your hand motions to the wheels on the bus are the cutest things I've ever seen.

We love you so much, sweet wild child.

Dreamers dream they never die

We're here! WEVE MOVED TO OREGON! I can tell you that 7 years ago no part of my brain could fathom that my future would consist of: marrying my best friend. having his babies. moving to Colorado. My man killing it in the medical marijuana business and expanding to Oregon to be his own COO. Y'all. I can't talk about this move without talking about how proud I am of Chris. So many of us have big dreams. We talk about them and think about them and even go as far as to planning them out. But how many of us leap? Chris took that leap. We moved across the country 4 years ago with little money and no jobs, but he had a plan. We borrowed and scrimped by and even though so many times life would have been easier to just give up, Chris persevered. On top of working his ass off 24/7, he became a daddy. His priorities shifted to providing for his family but never slacking with work, never not planning and perfecting his trade. (Growing pot isn't easy. It may be controversial, it may not be thought if as a craft, but so much goes into it, especially when you care the way Chris does. When you want to be proud of your final product.) I've watched Chris try many methods, not all of them being successful. I've watched him get frustrated and tired and pessimistic, and I've watched him get over it, try harder, and succeed. Are things going to get magically easier now that we are in Oregon? Absolutely not. As with any company, the start up will be slow. The return may be slow. Many obstacles will arise. But I've watched Chris from the beginning, and when he loses faith in himself and his dreams, I've got his back. I believe in his dreams! Because I KNOW he's more than capable. He inspires me everyday to be a better person. To try harder. To work harder. To push harder. That's my mindset with being in a new town with a toddler and soon to be newborn. We will persevere. We will make a wonderful life here because we're blessed to be where we are.  Follow your dreams. Even if they take you 2,200 miles from your friends and family and the place you've always known, go after them. Family won't go anywhere, and neither will your true friends. Your dreams are far more capable of passing you by, go get them. It won't be easy! It will be worth it. ✌️️😘

Election.

I've battled with posting anything. Ive struggled to keep my mouth shut on social media as people say the "libtards" need to get over it. I've never been at a loss for words but when I sit down to write my feelings on this election, I don't know where to start. When people tell me I shouldn't be sad, afraid, or disheartened at the state of our country. I've had multiple friends text or call or email me upset that I am upset about Trump winning the election. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to grieve. I'm allowed to feel the way I feel, just as everyone else is.

My mom raised me to be loving and accepting of everyone. We are all the same. Generations have struggled to move towards equality for woman, all races, the LGBT community. In my heart, I truly believe we just took years off of this progress, and that saddens me. I want my children to be raised in an America full of diversity, open mindedness, acceptance of others and our differences. I want to live in that America as well.

I fear for the immigrant who will soon be torn from their families. Children from their parents. Husbands from wives. I am all for making changes necessary to control the amount of immigrants coming in, but these people came here for a chance at a better future. For a chance to flee a war-ridden country. For the chance to offer their children an education. Neither you nor I have been in that situation. I do know, I would do whatever I felt necessary to protect my family and children. If that meant seeking more safety illegally in another country than I currently had in my own, sign me up.

I fear for the Muslim community who have had to spend everyday since 9/11 worried about being profiled. Now it's not just a suspicion of theirs, it's a truth. For everyone in a hijab who is looked at as an extremist, terrorist, someone to fear.

I fear for a country governed by people so against the LGBT community. Pence has spent years supporting "gay cure" therapy, where he wanted to take money from HIV research and put it into sexual conversion therapy. To know our leaders are someone who believe homosexuality is something that can be cured, or more so NEEDS to be cured, it hurts my heart. In 2006 Pence signed a bill to ban same sex marriage. In 2013 Pence signed a bill that would jail same-sex couples in Indiana who applied for a marriage license. To prove that he wasn’t singling gay people out, Pence was also willing to jail marriage clerks who supplied a license or clergy who performed the wedding

I don't even think I need to list all of the examples of President Elect Trump being racist or sexist. I don't need to explain why I believe what I do with my body should be my own choice. I don't believe in fracking. I do believe in climate change. I do pay my taxes. He and I simply don't see eye to eye.

I am not just upset that Donald Trump is our next President. I am upset that over 50% of Americans either truly stand by him in all of his out dated beliefs, or that they chose to vote for him regardless of them. I am from the south, y'all. 90% of my friends voted for Trump. Do I think less of them? No. Do I judge them for having a differenting opinion than my own? No. Do I feel I can voice my thoughts and concerns openly with them? Not anymore.

I've prayed a lot. I pray that Donald Trump is a good president. I pray that women don't lose their rights. I pray that people who are in line with me can help our fellow HUMANS, whether homosexual or black or Muslim or Hispanic or in our country illegally or not, I pray that we can help ease the pain they feel. I pray that they know that not all of us see them differently. I pray for peace of mind, that I can accept this outcome and not stay bitter for too long.

Thyroid 🙄

I've spent 7 years trying to figure out how to "feel better" and lose weight. More important than the weight gain, was figuring out the exhaustion, muscle pain, and swollen face. I started out on synthroid in 2010 where a doctor told me "bad news! You have hypothyroid and need medication for the rest of your life. Good news! You will lose the weight you've gained and the brain fog will go away and you will feel amazing" I was young and naive and I believed her. I did no research. Just trusted her and my little synthroid pill. I then gained 50

More lbs. Everything hurt. I couldn't concentrate or focus and my nannying jobs that I loved went from fun days to work. I spent 3 years like this until we moved to Colorado and I switched to Armour thyroid. (It's natural dessicated pig thyroid and isn't often prescribed without some pushing from the patient.). I switched and felt so much better. I still

couldn't lose weight. I still couldn't grow my eyebrows back. But my body didn't hurt and I had a little more energy so I took it as a win. This pregnancy I wasn't responding well to a higher dose of armour. With many tears and frustration they convinced me to take a small

Dose of synthroid along with my armour. Fine. Your synthetic drugs that gave me serious depression. I'll do it because this growing baby needs it. Fast forward two months in, and regardless of normal

Pregnant symptoms and exhaustion, I am starting to feel like the old me. The energetic, motivated, OPEN EYED me. (See pic!). My eyebrows are growing back. Last pregnancy I was already up 15 lbs at this point (I gained a total of 55 and didn't lose any after Juniper was born, only the 8lbs of Juniper!) this pregnancy I am down 6 lbs. which is insane considering I can't lose weight even when I TRY. (Don't worry baby is healthy!) I don't know why I'm responding this time around, the doctors believe it's because I was under medicated while in Atlanta. So will this feeling better stick around after baby and we totally switch my meds? Who knows. But for a girl who had totally given up on losing weight, seeing her eyelids or eyebrows again, or not hurting all day, it gives me HOPE!!!! And life is a lot less dreary looking with renewed HOPE! 

Road trip to Oregon! W/ a toddler!

I've read SO many blog and advice posts on "best ways to road trip with a toddler" and "traveling with toddler made easy!"  Y'all, AINT NOTHING EASY about a 20hr car ride with a 19 month old. NOTHING. 

We made it through, she did way better than I could have ever imagined. (Also what kid can be in the car for 11 straight hours and not fall asleep? MY KID). 

She also got non stop iPad usage and portable DVD player. While I stand behind "we couldn't have done it without it", when we got home is was absolutely time to do away with any and all screen time. (Also drastically changed our diets because no matter how hard you try, it's really hard to eat healthy on a 7 day road trip). 

Day 5 into our new rules, and I'm not kidding, Juniper is my sweet fun toddler again. We laugh and sing and play and she PLAYS ON HER OWN again for the first time in months. We're probably reading 50 books a day, but it beats her tantrumming for the iPad and I love reading to her. 

We (I) was getting lax about her food choices. If she refused fruit I would just give her a cracker. If daddy had chips, she could share chips. She would tantrum in kitchen and refuse all healthy snacks and meals and I would just give her something else and let her win. After our trip I started reading about ideal toddler eating and snack schedules (we decided on one where the AM snack can be a simple carb like graham crackers, but the after nap one must be healthy such as yogurt or melon or apples and peanut butter/ cucumbers and ranch/ etx. I also moved dinner to 5:30 so that we wouldn't be giving her an extra snack in there to buy time to a later dinner. Oh my gosh, every night this week she's eaten all the veggies she has refused for months (and second helpings, too!) 

In the morning I used to give her a cup of dry cereal to hold her off until I was awake bough to cook breakfast, then she started refusing real breakfast, snacking all morning, and not eating a good lunch.  I skip the cereal and make my lazy pre caffeinated self make breakfast, and for the first time in months she's eating eggs and smoothies and toast and things she's refused for a while now. 

I went through my first trimester in this pregnancy being so miserable that I was just trying to get through. "Curious George and bad snacks and let me vomit in peace!"  This was immediately followed by a virus that the whole family picked up and then our week long trip. The mama guilt was real and strong. I came home and journaled and prayed and whined to

friends and decided it's time for changes. For Juniper and for myself. 

I hope this doesn't come off as a brag post. Because if Ive learned anything about being a mama, it's that I'll be struggling to figure my child out again by Friday and at my wits end and needing to start all over. But that's just life, we do the best we can with what we've got and if I can go to bed each night knowing that I tried my best, I'm counting it as a win. 

I can't say when or if I'll allow screen time at home again, I know when we travel next week I'll pull out the iPad and cookies to get through the flight. When we have this second baby and I'm exhausted and learning to juggle 2, I'm pretty sure Curious George will be my babysitter.  I can say without a doubt, our child absolutely does life better without television or iPad and thrives when we spend the day outside, reading books, coloring and crafting. 

Ps - Bend, Oregon is absolutely beautiful and I'm pretty excited this is where our adventure leads us next. A small mountain town with all the perks this city girl enjoys (whole foods, trader joes, foody non-chain restaurants). As well as 17 miles to the ski lifts at Mt. Bachelor, and minutes from kayaking, hiking, cross country skiing, and a ton of river-side craft beer. 

(Just realized this is our first trip EVER where Chris and I didn't take a single selfie 😱)

It's. A.......

BOY! 

Oh my heart already feels so full. I had no idea how much I wanted this baby to be a boy. I even told myself I really wanted another girl. But I got the phone call today that this tiny baby that is wreaking havoc on my hair, digestive system, bladder, and sleeping habits is indeed a wittle boy. I knew it was, though. For the oddest reason. When we picked Juniper's name it clicked. We just knew she was Juniper Grace. Before pregnancy we had said a little girl would be Scarlet, but as soon as I was actually pregnant I despised the name. (No offense). She was 100% a Junipe Grace and I've never doubted or regret her name. This time around, we had zero ideas for a girls name. Because what can be as good as Juniper? ☺️ but we were 100% set on our boys name. Two strong family names that mean a lot to us with a cute little nickname. I told Chris just this weekend "I know it's a boy, that's why it doesn't matter what we think of for a girls name". 

 My only only bittersweet thought is of having to get rid of the boxes and boxes of Juniper baby clothes that I saved. I'll go through and keep all of her sweet Holiday smocks and anything that just holds a special memory. It'll be hard to let go though. Luckily most is going to a good friend and that makes me feel better about it. 

Life with an older girl and a baby brother. Just like my brother and I. We've had more downs than ups. I pray for a better relationship for my children. I know siblings will fight, but I also want them to hold each other as their first best friends. Someone who they can call as adults when I'm being ridiculous about one of them wanting to miss Thanksgiving to go to their girlfriends family house instead. I am your mother, you come spend Holidays with mama! 😂 

He will have all of Juniper's old girl toys, that doesn't bother me at all. I nannied boys for a good 6 years, and truly thought I would have no idea what to do with a girl. Now, I feel the exact opposite! 

We have so many changes coming up between now and babies arrival (new state, sell our house, buy a new house!, find new doctors, and most importantly Chris dreams coming true of owning his own business). I'm terrified and apprehensive and excited and proud and did I say terrified? 😂

Something about knowing the babies gender today has calmed a lot of my nerves. We have so many unknowns, and it feels good to have one less. 

  

Ch-ch-changes

My sweet girl is growing and changing so fast. She's talking up a storm! I wanted to write a few of her cute/toddler stories before I forget them! 

Today she threw a plastic cup at the dog -as she was yelling "I sowwwwwie!" 

She had a babysitter while I had a dr appt this morning. She is usually very shy and saves her words for mom and dad. At snack time Mrs Nancy asked

"Do you want a cracker or yogurt?" 

J - cookie 

"I'm pretty sure you don't get a cookie for snack. Yogurt or cracker? 

J- cookie peeeeeeaaaazzzzz 

"Juniper ....."

J - peas peas peas peas. 

Girlfriend used her manners to play a sitter and get a cookie for her snack. Trouble y'all, trouble. 

I've had some awful morning sickness. All day long sickness. Death sickness. Juniper will pat my back, kiss my back, slowly back out of the bathroom, then run through the house making gagging noises 😂 

She's so much fun. I want to savor every second but it's constantly changing and evolving. Baby #2 will add into the mix next year and I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. I'm enjoying every last day of this just me and Juniper time, and I hope she will love being a big sister!