Bittersweet

And after 10 months... Daddy finally gets to feed Juniper a bottle ❤️💔

Juniper got sick almost 2 weeks ago, on top of all 4 top teeth trying to come through. She quit nursing! As a mommy I was panicking because my baby wasn't eating, I was sad because nursing ended so abruptly and we have such a good nursing relationship and I was super exhausted because Juniper would be up every night from 1-4am - hungry but refusing to eat.

I'm positive it was a nursing strike, associated with stuffy nose and hurting gums. And where most babies usually come around and start to nurse again, Juniper is very headstrong and I truly just don't see her going back to nursing. (She didn't like bottles? Never took them. Hated purees? Straight to finger foods.) I tried all the tricks. Walked around topless. Co-bathing. Trying to nurse when she first woke/was tired/was fast asleep. Trying after Tylenol and teething tablets and a wet rag on gums. Tried to trick her with a bottle or syringe first and then switch to breast. She wasn't having it. I syringe fed her pumped milk for 10 days. 

Then last night she finally took a 3oZ bottle from dad in the evening, then a 3oz bottle from me at bedtime.  Then she slept 9 glorious hours straight. NINE. She woke at 4:30, drank 2 more oz, then slept til 7:30am. Unicorns and rainbows and all the magical things!! 

She is of course refusing them today, but she has a stuffy nose and is constantly rubbing her gums. Poor baby. 

I bought formula today. I was embarrassed. I felt inadequate buying it. I wanted everyone to know I tried my best and I just can't pump enough. I don't judge anyone else for formula and I know second to breastmilk it's the healthiest thing we will ever feed our babies, but my goal was no formula. Exclusively breastfed for 12 months. But Juniper  had other plans. I'm still accepting this. So far she won't take the formula but I think that's more because she's not feeling well than anything. 

I'm still going to pump as much as I can. But as soon as she's taking formula and it's not worth it to pump anymore (like pumping 5x a day for not even a whole bottle-) I am going to be done. 

10 months is an amazingly long time to exclusively breastfeed. No date nights. Minimal caffeine. Nursing 2-4x a night because that's just what Juniper wanted. No help because Chris can't nurse her 😂 there's so many pros and cons to be moving past this stage in Junipers life. Pro? I've already lost 6lbs. I was an unlucky one who held on to the weight when nursing non stop. Another pro? Daddy and Juniper can bond a little more and he can do some night time feeding. Another pro? Girls night. 

I'm sad and happy it has come to this. Sad that our amazing nursing relationship has ended. Happy that we made it this far. Sad this Juniper doesn't need me in quite the same way anymore. Happy that I'm her mama and she will always need me. Sad I did not get to mentally prepare myself for Juniper to be finished nursing. Happy that we didn't have some long drawn out complicated weaning process. 

As long as she's happy and healthy, I'll be fine ☺️

 

Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.  

"Never gonna sleeeeep againnn"

I have heard people talk about that phase in the last trimester where your body/mind prepares you for having a child and waking up for feedings every few hours and you are no longer able to sleep. I don't think it is some crazy phenomena that your smart body is preparing you for- It is a very logical situation. It simply boils down to peeing every single hour, the inability to get comfortable, hurting once you have laid on one side for too long, but knowing that if you roll over to the other side you will be out of breathe for 10 minutes and your significant other will wake up to the sound of you heaving...from..rolling over. Tonight is the first night I have chosen to stay on the couch rather than stay in bed, not because I don't love my bed, but because I really do love my husband. I don't want any uncontrollable third trimester anger raging as he sleeps peacefully and I struggle to balance a pillow behind my back, a pillow between my legs, a pillow under my huge belly, two pillows under my head, and two feet out from under the blanket...because did I mention how being 25 pounds heavier makes you 50 degrees warmer?!

I would much rather complain about the sleep situation than the actual pregnancy. I feel so guilty if I whine about it because I know it could be way worse. I am growing a precious baby girl that Chris and I already love so much, and that alone makes up for feeling like a huge turtle stuck on its back. We have been very blessed that although at some point during this pregnancy I have experienced what seems like every pregnancy symptom known to (wo)man - so far Baby Juniper is healthy and so is this mommy.

We are literally on our final countdown. Next week we have our 36 week ultrasound appointment where we see approximately how much Juniper weighs, how long she is, and which direction she is facing. I do know that for the past 2 months she has been head down in the birth canal, and all of the sudden TONIGHT she has decided to flip over. Her cute little hiccups are now above my belly button rather than far below. I hope she turns her defiant little self back around before the doctor makes any decisions about the birthing situation! We haven't seen her since our 20 week ultrasound, so I am counting down the days until next appointment!

The nursery is complete. yall!  I will definitely be posting pictures soon seeing as I am quite proud of the outcome! I just picked a few colors and had an idea in my head a few months ago and it has come together so beautifully. We have lived in our house for a little over a year now and her room is literally the only "finished" room. We put lots of love and labor into it and seeing Chris put together ALL of the furniture with zero frustration or bad words is another adorable thing that shows me just how excited he is to meet his daughter!


Any week now our little girl will be here, in our arms, ready for hugs and kisses, and that my friends...is worth the not being able to sleep/breathe/eat/walk/bend over/ part.

Juniper's Baby Shower

What a GREAT weekend!

I flew back to Georgia on Wednesday October 29th (also my very last day of nannying) to spend 3 full days with friends and family and good ole southern food...and man...did I eat southern food ;)  Between the crab cakes and the fried chicken and the pimento cheese sandwiches and cucumber sandwiches and chicken salad croissants and slow cooked green beans with potatos and deviled eggs and petit fours and the best sweet tea a girl could ask for.. and... and and... needless to say, baby Juniper and mommy have very full, very happy bellies. Don't worry - we are now "detoxing" with tons of water and fruits and veggies.

The entire trip was perfect. I was able to see my sweet nana in the hospital (she is recovering well and goes home tomorrow!), I spent a full day with my mom, and two special days with my amazing in-laws. There is never a long enough trip to see all the friends and family that I would like to see and I truly regret that...but maybe one day!

I am so thankful for the people that Chris and I have in our lives (and sweet baby Juniper's). The baby shower was so much more special than just gifts - every card moved me to tears and just having everyone together celebrating our baby girl truly meant the world to me. My best friend Sara knit baby Juniper a blanket.... I didn't even know Sara could knit! It was just all so special to me and I love knowing that Juniper will be raised surrounded by so much love, kindness, and thoughtfulness.

As of today I am "officially" unemployed & on mild bed rest. AKA - time to nest and focus my energy on the nursery! I cannot wait to update this blog with the progress of the nursery and the anticipation that comes with awaiting the arrival of Baby Juniper!

9 weeks to go, yall!

 Me and the grandmas! Nay Nay & GiGi

 Renee's Best Friends - Nancy, Audrey, & Rita

 I absolutely love everyone in this picture!

 Embracing the curves...they are growing a baby!

 YALL....THE FOOD

 My sweet nieces

After a busy (but amazing) weekend I am happy to be back home with my husband and pupcakes.... LET THE NESTING BEGIN!