Pinterest for the win!

An Instagram friend made a post about building a safety bench for her fireplace hearth. I had been "pinteresting" the idea but hadn't pulled the trigger yet - I was using the highly effective "pillows in front of brick and hope for the best" method. Her post and the fact that Juniper was officially crawling and trying to pull up (and whose main goal in life was to crawl to the fireplace and knock pillows down, then try to stand up! Super safe!) made me bite the bullet and get this thing built! (What's up with my gun analogies today?!) 

First measure the height, width, and depth of you're fireplace hearth. I didn't bother building the ends because we have two chairs and I don't plan on Juniper being on the sides of the fireplace. 

Take those measurements to Home Depot and have some ply wood cut to size! They had a huge sheet on sale for $9.25. 

Head to JoAnns Fabric (after printing all of their coupons off line - including a 60% off of any item, 50% off fabric, & whatever else you can get!) 

Here I found 2 yards of brown fleece material - on sale for 9$/yard

I found my filler/batting for $24.99- but 60% off. Let's say $10 because math. 

I also purchased spray adhesive here for 3.99. 

I saved a little on the project because we already own a staple gun, I just had to buy staples for 7$. If you don't have a staple gun already you will need to add that into expenses! We also already had a drill and screws. 

(My handy pink tool kit I've had for 11 years that Chris complains about but hasn't replaced :) 

Now a lot of tutorials say to use wood glue and glue the wood first while

propping it up at the 90 degree angle and  clamp it overnight then screw the next day - but nobody's got time fo' that. I skipped the glue and went straight to drilling. 

Actually drilling into plywood kind of sucks, so thanks babe :) 

I then added my padding and spray adhesive. For best stick spray a little as you go, and spray your wood and fabric.  

I do regret using batting instead of say a foam mattress topper. When the dogs ruin this one I will re-do differently! 

Lay the fabric down on the ground and make sure smooth and straight. Put your newly built hearth cover in center, padding face down, and pull fabric tight around each side, using staple gun to secure every few inches. I think staple guns are fun. I stapled, a lot. 

My fireplace is 6' long. Two yards of fabric fit perfectly with a tight stretch. Just a reference when deciding how much to get. More is best! 

This only took me about 20 minutes total of actually putting together and I only spent around $52. I don't play. I get shit done. ☺️

Wah-lah! Safety and non-ghetto looking. Win win.  Juniper immediately crawled over and tried to pull up and I was 82% less worried. Also ... She CRAWLED over. She's been crawling for a couple of days now, so right around 8.5 months !!! My teeny baby!! 

(Baby) weight on my shoulders.

Y'all, I am totally okay with the way I look until I see a picture. My thyroid levels are great, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I have an amazing husband and baby, and as long as I avoid the scale and/or looking at pictures of myself I can live in ignorant bliss. 

I know that thyroid disease + breastfeeding play a major role in my weight loss progress (or lack thereof) I know that when Juniper weans I will no longer worry about my supply and my endocrinologist and I can work on losing weight with my hashimotos hypothyroid. I know that my body is doing and has done amazing things. After birthing a baby, making it through those first sleepless 6 weeks, and exclusively breastfeeding for 8+ months, I quite literally feel like superwoman. 

I'm proud of this body and all it has done. I see a cushy mommy who has put her baby first and knows when Juniper no longer needs to nurse, I will be more "me" again. Right now, and for the past 18 months, my body is shared. 

So why am I going through vacation pictures and afraid to post any on social media? I've realized it's not because I care how I look in these pictures. It's because I care what others will think. 

The muttered words of "look how big she has gotten" or "I can't believe she hasn't lost that baby weight".... And it makes me sick. It makes me sick that I care. It makes me sick that society has made us to care. 

My tummy is saggy and has stretch marks. But it housed and grew and protected my little girl. My boobs are out of control and can barely be contained, and unless I have surgery they will never look the same. But they nourish and comfort my little girl. My arms are where most of the weight seems to reside. But these arms cuddle, protect, carry, and play with my little girl. ( And change endless diapers.)  

I'm really over the "getting my body back" pictures mere weeks after having a baby. You never lost your body. It's been there kicking ass all along.

I wish we/society as a whole could put more focus on these things. The important things. Because when I look back on these pictures in 2,5,15,30years from now I will not see a "fat mommy", I will see a beautiful happy family who made amazing memories with close friends on a weekend getaway to Breckenridge. And that's what is important. 

Fun times at Oktoberfest, Juniper's first dinner out (she did great!), football, yummy food, amazing company, and beautiful views. ❤️  

Changing of Seasons

Now that I am a mother, I pay a lot more attention to the time. Is it time for Juniper to eat/nap/play? Is it time for her to be crawling? Is it time for another tooth? Is it time to introduce more foods? I think about time, and I check the time, constantly. 

Then a little thing happens and I think of time in a totally different light. Why is time so fleeting. How is Juniper already 8 months old. 

The weather in Denver is still mid 80s, but now with lows in the 50s at night. The early mornings and late afternoons are crisp and you can smell autumn fast approaching. This is my favorite time of the year. 

Juniper always sleeps in a short sleeve onesie with a wearable "sleep sack" over it. Tonight though, it was time to switch her to long sleeves. Soon enough, pants and socks will be added as well. 

Juniper's first winter, spring, and summer have all come and gone. It was so surreal, putting the long sleeves on her. I can check the time, and the date, and see how she is growing and changing, but the switch to long sleeves truly stands out to me, signifying that the seasons are changing. 

I take a ton of photos of Juniper, because as much as I look forward to seeing her learn and grow and explore, I want to freeze time. I want to pause on every new facial expression. I want to always hear those sweet baby belly laughs. I want to relive watching her discover new things with those tiny fingers and looks of concern, over and over again. 

Life is really, really good, yall....but oh so fleeting. ❤️

Where does the time go?!

I'm sure one day when Juniper is much, much older I will be asking myself the same question all over again. I know for those with older kids they may think I'm silly for not believing my girl will be "only" 7 months old on Friday.  (I didn't edit this until a full month after I began writing it. Mommy hood, right?! Juniper is now almost 8 months!) 

My heart is so full. I want all of my best friends who don't have babies yet to run out and get pregnant ;) because the amount of love and joy I feel being this sweet loves mama, I cannot express in words. 

Juniper is still exclusively breastfed. We made it to the 6 month mark & beyond, so now my goal is 12 months unless she decides to wean on her own beforehand. We have started introducing solids and because of her hatred for puréed foods we are doing baby led weaning. Only a couple of "bites" , if that,  are making it to her belly, but she's enjoying the experience and not fighting it like with the purées! I was so excited and I went out and bought a ton of organic fruits and veggies. I spent the day roasting and steaming and pureeing and freezing - & girlfriend wants nothing to do with them! 

Her first tooth popped through the gums on Saturday, August 1st. Just a week shy of her 7 month birthday! 

Sleep & naps are still all over the place, some days she shows improvements and I get my hopes up and then we start all over again. So as long as she is happy & healthy (which she is) I'm not stressing it anymore. It'll be soon enough where she sleeps through the night & I will miss our midnight cuddles. I can kiss her sleepy peach fuzz head 100x without her pulling away 😍 it's kind of my fave. 

She's been sitting up on her own for a little over a month now, and rolls all over the place. She is showing no sign of crawling yet but I'm totally okay with that! 

Juniper has learned to reach her arms up when she wants to be held. It's. The. Best. 

So much love, y'all ❤️

A note to mommies....

This is a post I started in a baby forum to remind other mommies, and myself, that we are enough. We are doing the best we can with what we have. We are enough. I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I can't painlessly wear a bra. My hair is falling out in chunks and I can't make it go curly, or straight. I have 100 stretch marks. But I am learning to accept this. I'm a mommy. My biggest accomplishment, and I'm learning to accept these temporary changes - because I am a mommy! 

"I'm one of the biggest offenders. Trying to get things "right". "Sleep training" "How to make baby sleep in crib" "Baby needs nap schedule" "Baby only sleeps on me" 

I was talking to an older "been there done that" mama that I used to nanny for (& whom I love and adore) and I was stressing that my sweet baby girl only likes to nap on me and blah blah blah. 

She reminded me to slow down. Breathe. Enjoy the cuddles. As a first time mom I don't realize how quickly this stage passes. How quickly our little ones turn into big ones and they don't want to nap on mom anymore, or when they're even older & want nothing to do with mom and dad. 

I know not all of us get to be stay at home moms. I know a lot have other babies. We all have dishes and laundry piling and dirty bathrooms and spit up clothes. We don't have time for perfect hair and bodies. Maybe things around the house are neglected, maybe even ourselves, but our babies are not. 

Were all doing a great job. Were all beautiful mothers doing what we can for our precious babies. Some of us hold our babies for naps. Some stick a binky back in little ones mouths all night long. Some of us are still up multiple times a night. Some of us bounce and sway and shhhhh until we think we cannot anymore. Whether we feel silly, or like were doing it "wrong", were doing what our babies need - whatever we can, and that makes us really good mommies. 

This stage is going to pass so quickly, this is just a reminder. So next time I come to you seeking advice on how to get my sweet baby girl to nap in the crib, please remind me that my arms are just fine for now.

Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.  

She is Here!!!!!!!!

I am sitting on the couch exhausted with big bags under my eyes. I am tired beyond words and I want to sleep now, and because Juniper is sleeping I could.  But she's on my chest after nursing and she's so sweet and perfect and cuddly and squishy that I can't imagine putting her down yet. I never want to. Juniper Grace was born on January 7^th, 2015 at 4:37 pm, weighing 7lb, 15oz and approx. 18 inches long.

Tuesday January 6^th before I went to sleep I started having contractions. I had them the previous night as well but they had gone away by morning and weren’t particularly painful so I thought nothing of it. By midnight I was back out of bed and timing contractions. I called the doctor at midnight and she said she would see me within the next two hours! I couldn’t believe it. This could be it! I started waking Chris up to tell him he had two hours until we had to go, but he didn’t believe me! He kept telling me to lie back down and it was a false alarm (mind you, I was 40 weeks pregnant). Finally he huffed and puffed and drove us to the hospital. The nurse kept telling me that my contractions were not showing up on the monitor and I was only dilated to a 2 so we would probably be going back home! I was terrified. I knew how badly I hurt and I couldn’t imagine going home in that much pain and being afraid to come back to the hospital for another false alarm. After 2 hours of monitoring the nurse came in to check my dilation one more time while telling me we were probably getting ready to leave, and Lo and behold, I wasn’t making up my contractions! I was dilated to a 4.5 and was in labor – time to be admitted! We switched rooms and by this time (430 AM) the contractions were stopping me in my tracks. Our new nurse Brittani came in & was such a blessing. The entire atmosphere changed having such a happy nurse to get us through.

 I cried through my IV port, I cried through contractions, and I cried through getting my epidural…obviously I am a crier! The epidural was amazing, to those of you who have babies without epidurals… God Bless your brave soul. I could not imagine. Over the next few hours Chris and I tried to rest but we noticed the nurses coming in and checking the monitors very often. They finally had the doctor come in and tell us that baby was under fetal distress and if I didn’t dilate more soon, we would need an emergency C-section.  As time went on and there were no changes in my cervix and no increase in fetal movement, it got serious. The doctor informed us that this was dangerous and we would go to surgery quickly. Chris and I were so scared. We hugged and kissed and cried. We cried for my safety but mostly and mainly we cried for our sweet girl. We prayed. Dear Lord please let this baby be okay. It was in that moment and those tears that I knew how much I was capable of loving. This little girl I didn't know yet was in trouble and I needed to birth her and to get her here healthy and as soon as possible. Next thing we know it seemed like divine intervention, but I dialed from a 6 to a 10. It was go time. No time for a C- section. We had to get baby out now. Push!

Chris was an amazing support system. I truly did not believe I would be able to get this baby out. Really, it took until that moment the nurse said to push that I realized she meant I needed to actually push a baby out! Our nurse was amazing though. I always thought when you went into labor you had your feet in stirrups and you just pushed, but they were telling me no stirrups! Through each contraction Chris and the nurse would grab my feet and push them to my chest, while they did that I took a deep breath, grabbed my knees, crunched my body like I was about to do a cannon ball into the pool, and puuuuuuuushed while holding my breath. It was so hard. I was so scared. I didn’t feel like I was making any progress and I knew we were on a time crunch for her safety. The nurse told me she could feel and see the head! No way?! I kept thinking…that is just not possible. How is a baby going to come out of there?! The doctor was called in and she explained…this is no joke…baby is stressed…you have to push. This could be so dangerous for your baby if we don’t get her out quickly. I cried with every push and said I couldn’t do it. Just kept asking if I could go potty because I needed to poop so bad (was informed that was actually the baby’s head, now all I remember is asking to poop 200 times and I should probably be mortified, but after that many people see you give birth, there truly is no shame left). Chris was giving me so many words of support but when I looked up and saw him with tears in his eyes, he stated “I see her head Jess, you are almost there, oh my gosh she is beautiful. Her shoulders are next, you can do this”… something in me went totally primal. I did not say “I can’t do this” again but I pushed and held my breath and pushed and held my breath and did not give the nurses or doctors I chance to tell me stop/go. I needed this baby here. I heard her first cry and I cried, and Chris cried, and we were so relived. They laid her on my chest for just a second as I and the nurses realized she was purple. They came and took her away from me immediately and my heart was breaking. What was wrong? The doctor was stitching me up and Chris had left to be with Juniper and no one was telling me what was happening. I saw an oxygen tank being wheeled in. Why was no one telling me anything? Juniper was taken away and to the Nicu while a nurse full of attitude bossed me around for recovery. My heart was fully breaking, yet I couldn’t go see my girl yet. Later I learned that she had busted a tiny hole in her lung either during or right after labor. She was put on oxygen and if she could not repair the lung herself she would have to have a small procedure. It was so hard to not be able to be with my baby but knowing that this is something she could overcome, I had faith! I set my alarm for every 3 hours so I could come back to the Nicu and try to nurse Juniper, the nurses thought I was crazy and couldn’t believe I wasn’t sleeping but how could I sleep?! Baby needed me! She was taken off the oxygen after 24 hours and was doing great, then unexpectedly her oxygen intake plummeted and she had to be put back on. Heartbreak all over again. After 48 hours they took her off of the oxygen again and she was able to breathe all on her own! Her levels didn’t drop low and she was more alert and nursing a little stronger. I have never been happier. The Nicu nurse was amazing and I swear she is my new best friend even if she doesn’t know it. We were able to go home Friday evening and start our lives as a family of 3. I was so afraid to go home! How would I know that she was ok without the monitors and the amazing nurses? I had just had the scariest, happiest, and most exhausting days of my life. We are so blessed.

This story could have gone in so many other directions, so many bad things COULD have happened, but they didn’t, and we are so thankful. We brought home a healthy, beautiful, 7lb. 15oz baby and have loved every single minute. As I edit this, Juniper is now 5.5 weeks old. I love being Juniper’s mommy, I love exclusively breast feeding and knowing that I am providing her with all the nutrients she needs. I love her cuddles and her cries and her tiny feet and her perfect little nose. We are still loving every single minute and we are shocked at how quickly the time is passing. We are so blessed. 

I am the happiest I have ever been, ever.