Things I don't want to forget:

I admit I have an awful memory. It's truly embarrassing. I know hypothyroidism can cause brain fog, I know I've always been somewhat distracted, and I know there are a few years in my life I wanted to forget, so maybe all of that plays a part. I will run in to people and know that I know them, but not know how or where they once fit into my life. I remember faces but not names. I have entire chunks of time that I just don't remember. Like age 22. What did I do that year? Where was I?  No effing clue. I have entire relationships (either friendships or boyfriends or whatever) where I can't tell you a single detail. Nothing. 

Because of this I hold on tight to new memories. I write them in a journal, I document with way too many pictures, I blog, and I write in a baby book. I don't want to forget! I want to remember how tiny Juniper's hands feel in my own. I want to remember her head on my chest and her breathing fall into the shallow relaxed pattern as she falls asleep in my arms. I want to remember how she follows me around saying "mama" and "up" and copies my every move. She makes my faces and my silly noises and mimics everything I do from cutting her fingernails to cooking dinner and brushing our teeth.  I want to remember that even when Chris and I were broke and struggling and newlyweds in a new state far from family and friends and comfort and holding on frazzled hope for the future, that we were still so happy and in love. Then when Denver rent was killing us and jobs weren't paying what they did in Atlanta, that we could still just be together and laugh and be okay. Stressors and all. I want to remember so many things to tell Juniper. 

 My mom was a single busy hippieish mama. Putting herself through nursing school with two young kids and then working the hours of a new nurse and being mama all on her own. I don't have a baby book. I don't have a ton of pictures. She doesn't quite remember when we got our first teeth or started walking. This is no fault of hers. She's an in the moment kind of person. She didn't have time for these things and probably had no clue it would matter to me. I'm thankful I can call her at any time and get a nurses opinion on what is going on with Juniper, but sometimes I wish I knew more about my childhood. 

 When Juniper is a new wife or new mom one day I want to be able to relay all of these stories to her.  When her baby is up all night and nurses around the clock, (if she chose to nurse) I want to remind her that she did the same. When she is worried that her baby isn't walking by a year old, I'll be able to tell her that she didn't until closer to 14 months. When shes a newly wed and (if) bills are tight and frustrations are high I want to remind her that I've been there, and it's okay.

As Chris and I's tattoos say "Love is Enough". 

Her newest thing I want to remember: Every night after bath we get dressed in our bed. Then we cuddle and read books and brush our teeth. When she's tired she says "no no" and gets down from our bed and walks her little self to get her milk from the kitchen stool. She comes right back and takes it into her room and waits by the rocker while I get her sleep sack and bunny ready. She is so proud of herself. I'm so proud of her! Little does she know it's her last week with the last remaining bottle, but hopefully the sippy

cup will have the same routine. 

She has a new found love for Harper dog. She wants to love Poncho too, he just won't let her. She looks for him and laughs and runs to be by him. If she sees a doggie in a book she stops reading and looks around the house to find Harper, then comes back to continue the book. She says "pat pat" while she pets him and has started laying her head down on him. Today when I dropped the dogs off at the vet and they carried Harper out of the room she cried her little eyes out. 

She used to just call her water "gah". Now everything she wants or wants to hand you is "gah". We think it means "that" because she used to point and we would say "do you want that?" She will say gah repeatedly and if we don't understand what item she is wanting it's a full blown tantrum. She's smart and strong willed and I adore her, tantrums and all.  

She has always tried to fit into tiny spaces. She likes being confined. She sleeps in the corner of her crib, body squished against the side. She likes playing in nooks and being in tunnels. I've had to un-stick her from boxes, baskets, bottom of the stroller, under the table rails, and many other too small spaces. It's silly and it's her and I want to remember it. 

(This last picture is from September, 8 months old) 

I don't let Juniper watch tv yet but we do watch the news in the evening and I dont mind if she's in the room for it. There is a political commercial right now with a donkey and an elephant just staring at each other. When she even hears the music for the beginning of that commercial she stops what she's doing, starts making elephant noises and throwing her "trunk" (arm!) up in the air and runs towards the tv to make sure we see the elephant also! I love that she loves elephants, and I love that one of her new words is giraffe "raffe". 

I once had someone tell me I over share on Instagram. Maybe I do, but the long captions are for the few others that care, just as much as they are for me and my poor memory. I want to remember! 

A few things I've learned since becoming a mommy

1. I now understand all the times my brother or I were sick and my mother would say "I wish I were the sick one! I hate seeing you guys sick. I would trade with you if I could". As a kid I truly believed she secretly thought "Aha suuuuuckers. Look at y'all all sick. Here's some meds, I feel great!" Now I know it's heart breaking. I would do anything to have Juniper's fever myself and for her to feel 100%! 

2. It's never what it seems. Stop comparing yourself to other moms on social media. Or at Target. I couldn't figure out how all these stay at home mamas looked so put together. (This is not directed towards working mamas. You are saints and I envy your time management and all around woman power)... Back to Target moms...  Hair done? ✔️ Make up perfect? ✔️ Real pants on? Like...the kind that button? ✔️  Hmmm, how do they do it? I started asking around. I got answers like "an hour of Mickey Mouse and pancakes!" Or "I wake two hours earlier than my kids to get ready for the day" and even "My kids get a movie every morning during breakfast so I can be put together!" Yea... No, no, and no. To each their own. Do what you gotta do. But hair and make up are not that important to me. Seriously, depending on the weather and the day my biggest outing could be bra-less to the mailbox. We have to remember that what we see projected is not necessarily the true picture. 

3. Some days are harder than others. This is hard for me to admit. I love my child more than life itself. But sometimes no sleep and no naps and multiple tantrums and I'm sick or she's sick or were all sick or were stuck inside with bad weather or whatever it is... Some days are hard. Totally 100% fucking worth it, but not always easy. 

4. Friendships change. Especially with friends who don't have babies of their own yet. But can ya blame them? I'm currently a stay at home mom. My daily social interaction is limited. If you catch me at the right time of day and I'm not too tired or busy to answer the phone and Juniper isn't at my calves begging for dinner then there is a good chance that I'm going to answer the phone and spend 15 minutes telling you how tired I am. How little I sleep. How cute Juniper is. How precious her 2 new words are. How many teeth she has. By the time you get a word in edge wise I'll probably need to go change a diaper and you'll hang up and call someone else and tell them how thankful you are that you don't have kids yet because you just had the MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVERRRRR. 

But don't worry. I understand. When you all have babies one day and you need to call and tell me about their diaper rash, I'll be here ;) 

5. It takes a village. I am so thankful for all of the people in my life that I can text/call at any time to ask random questions about Juniper's health/mommahood, etc. I think being a parent is like "paint by number" except more like "learn as you go". We're all really just winging it. 😉

Toddler: defined.

I was asked recently (just today!) if I had a toddler. Which led us to discussing what exactly a toddler was. Which led me to googling, defining, and typing this blog post :) 

Toddler: noun: Simple Definition of toddler. : a young child who is just learning to walk.

and for fun ... 

Baby: noun : a very young child, especially one newly or recently born.

To answer the question, I do not, just yet, have a toddler. I do however have a one year old. A ONE YEAR OLD. Who can stand while clapping for herself for standing, cruise along furniture, use the push-walker, speak about 6 words, eat all the foods, fight naps like nobody's business and tantrum like a little diva. Our sweet Juniper feels all the feels. She cuddles hard, kisses lots, cries harder, and has more determination to have things her way than I ever knew possible in a one year old. I'm a teeny bit terrified. I'm thrilled for grown up Juniper though (but not yet!) I think she will be wild and free and brave and independent and beautiful and silly and so, so much more. We have only gotten a tiny glimpse into this stunning personality and I am left in awe of her every single night. 

I was a nanny for 11 years, and until the last 2 of those I mostly nannied boys. Easy going, dirt loving, race car loving, mild - mannered boys. My latest and last nanny job I had toddler twin girls, and I remember telling Chris when we got pregnant "oh no. It may be a girl. These twins are a warning of what girls can be like. Emotional and crazy and silly and demanding and exhausting. Beautiful little sour patch kids!" (I mean that in the nicest way possible. "First they're sour, then they're sweet!")  Juniper is all of those things.

 I have to stop and remind myself what kind of woman I am. What kind of girl I once was and especially the type of teenager.. I am not and have never been an easy-going or mild mannered boy. I have always been a total girl. I've felt all the feels too. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have always fought to have things my way and butt heads with my mother (who is still my best friend!) and cried when I was sad and laughed hard and loved hard and was emotional when I needed to be and demanded attention when I wasn't getting any. Why would I expect any different from my tiny daughter? My sweet baby who is learning so much daily and growing and has no other way to express all of her feelings? She has every right to throw herself back with exasperation when she cannot figure out how to open her toy box, because that is frustrating! Instead of me wanting to also fling myself backwards for hearing the 100th tantrum that day, I vow to patiently show her again and again the right way to open the toy box until she knows how to do it. Because that's why I am her mommy, right? 

It's hard. Not the mommying part, there's nothing better than that. But the constantly questioning yourself part. I wonder if at any point you just KNOW you are doing/saying the right thing. There's so many parenting books. So many opinions. So many people and ideas and other parents and doctors telling you to do things a certain way or forever mess up your child. So here's where I stand. I don't care if Juniper is a toddler. Or a kid. Or a pre-teen. Or a teen. She will always be my BABY. I think as long as I love her with every fiber of my being and continue to do the very best I can for her, then that's all I can do. I think that's enough, and everything, all at once ❤️ 

I can't believe you are one year old my forever tiny newborn baby ;) 

Gymboree Play & Music!

Let's just start with stating that I am not a newbie to Gymboree. I started taking nanny babies when I was 18 years old and I'm quite certain I could teach the class with my eyes closed. I've literally gone once a week (or MORE) for consecutive YEARS of my life.  Although I loved the kids I nannied and was proud of them when they accomplished new things, it is nothing to the momma pride I feel when I watch Juniper! 

At almost 11 months and only our 2nd class, she acts like a seasoned veteran. She climbed things I didn't know were possible for her, she clapped with the teacher and the songs and she speed crawled through the obstacles like she just knew how. I was shaking and full of pride! (Haha - no, the shaking was the 3 cups of coffee and no food I consumed to get us out of the door so early) but I was definitely full of pride :) 

She is an extremely brave, determined, independent little girl. When she thought I wasnt looking she would book it to the other side of the room, then cackle when I came after her. When I put my hand on her bottom to steady her when climbing, she actually turned around and used her tiny hand to push mine away! (Ouch!) 

A little boy grabbed her shirt and pushed her down to take her toy. She sat right back up, mean-mugged him, snatched the toy back and turned her back where he couldn't reach it again. 

She's the youngest in the class by a few months and the only one not walking yet so I figure I'm allowed to let her stand up for herself however she can? We will figure out manners later. 

Anyways, this was the highlight of my day and I am so thankful I get to be the one to take Juniper to the class every week. She's my favorite. Seeing her little personality shine makes me so excited (and terrified) for the future. ❤️

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

Yall, I love Christmas. Like, I LOVE LOVE CHRISTMAS. I think Thanksgiving is the perfect start to the Holiday season. Even if we can't be with family, were reminded to just stop and think and remember what we are thankful for before we go gift crazy. I love giving gifts. I love spending time and picking out something special for someone and feeling so accomplished when I get it right. Gift cards suck...just sayin . But back to things I am thankful for; like green bean casserole, stretchy yoga pants, and coffee creamer. I am most thankful for my sweet husband this year, and the beautiful little girl we made together. I am thankful for all of our family and their love and support. I am thankful for our beautiful friendships that have withstood the test of time, and distance.

I am beyond excited that this is the first year Chris and I have purchased a Christmas tree together! We were either living in tiny apartments in Atlanta and buying tiny fake Charlie Brown trees, or we were saving up for a wedding and a big move, or we had just moved and spent all of our money on the wedding, or we were super pregnant and didn't want to deal with taking decor down with a newborn. This year on the day after Thanksgiving; Chris, Juniper and I drove to a Christmas tree farm in 19 degrees, and picked our perfect tree. I know Juniper doesn't quiet "get it" yet, but she still finds the tree fascinating and home girl knows how to rip up some paper, so Christmas morning should be fun!

 Merry Christmas, Yall. I hope your Holiday season is filled with Peace, Love, and Reeses' Christmas Trees.

My girl

Oh sweet Juniper, these past three weeks have been so very trying. In the past couple of days you have decided you don't mind formula or bottles, but you only take them every other day. I worry it's your tummy hurting and you can't tell me. I savor these baby moments, but I look forward to when you can tell me what's wrong. 

You are so strong-willed. You're determined to do things yourself (already!) or to at least pretend to. You like to brush your teeth, and trying to put the top on the bottle. When I was feeding you via syringe last week you would laugh and take the syringe from me and then dip it into the cup yourself. I love watching you learn.

You have been very attached to mommy lately and very cuddly, but I don't mind. Well I mind a little at 4am, and when I'm on the phone with an automated system and the whines keep making the thing say "I'm sorry. I do not understand". Same here, lady. Same here. 

We haven't left the house much in the past few weeks, first because of you being sick, then mama sick, then you not eating, and then me having to pump around the clock. But now that I'm done pumping and you sometimes decide to eat, we're going to get out and about  again when the snow clears. 

I love you, so much. You teach me patience and have filled my heart with more than I could ever imagine. I wonder if I read to you enough, if I'm challenging your little growing mind enough, if you're getting a well-balanced diet (especially since you forego breastmilk and formula!) 

All I can do is try my best, ya know? And I'll always try my best for you. ❤️❤️

Bittersweet

And after 10 months... Daddy finally gets to feed Juniper a bottle ❤️💔

Juniper got sick almost 2 weeks ago, on top of all 4 top teeth trying to come through. She quit nursing! As a mommy I was panicking because my baby wasn't eating, I was sad because nursing ended so abruptly and we have such a good nursing relationship and I was super exhausted because Juniper would be up every night from 1-4am - hungry but refusing to eat.

I'm positive it was a nursing strike, associated with stuffy nose and hurting gums. And where most babies usually come around and start to nurse again, Juniper is very headstrong and I truly just don't see her going back to nursing. (She didn't like bottles? Never took them. Hated purees? Straight to finger foods.) I tried all the tricks. Walked around topless. Co-bathing. Trying to nurse when she first woke/was tired/was fast asleep. Trying after Tylenol and teething tablets and a wet rag on gums. Tried to trick her with a bottle or syringe first and then switch to breast. She wasn't having it. I syringe fed her pumped milk for 10 days. 

Then last night she finally took a 3oZ bottle from dad in the evening, then a 3oz bottle from me at bedtime.  Then she slept 9 glorious hours straight. NINE. She woke at 4:30, drank 2 more oz, then slept til 7:30am. Unicorns and rainbows and all the magical things!! 

She is of course refusing them today, but she has a stuffy nose and is constantly rubbing her gums. Poor baby. 

I bought formula today. I was embarrassed. I felt inadequate buying it. I wanted everyone to know I tried my best and I just can't pump enough. I don't judge anyone else for formula and I know second to breastmilk it's the healthiest thing we will ever feed our babies, but my goal was no formula. Exclusively breastfed for 12 months. But Juniper  had other plans. I'm still accepting this. So far she won't take the formula but I think that's more because she's not feeling well than anything. 

I'm still going to pump as much as I can. But as soon as she's taking formula and it's not worth it to pump anymore (like pumping 5x a day for not even a whole bottle-) I am going to be done. 

10 months is an amazingly long time to exclusively breastfeed. No date nights. Minimal caffeine. Nursing 2-4x a night because that's just what Juniper wanted. No help because Chris can't nurse her 😂 there's so many pros and cons to be moving past this stage in Junipers life. Pro? I've already lost 6lbs. I was an unlucky one who held on to the weight when nursing non stop. Another pro? Daddy and Juniper can bond a little more and he can do some night time feeding. Another pro? Girls night. 

I'm sad and happy it has come to this. Sad that our amazing nursing relationship has ended. Happy that we made it this far. Sad this Juniper doesn't need me in quite the same way anymore. Happy that I'm her mama and she will always need me. Sad I did not get to mentally prepare myself for Juniper to be finished nursing. Happy that we didn't have some long drawn out complicated weaning process. 

As long as she's happy and healthy, I'll be fine ☺️