CBD

It’s rare that I’m still awake after everyone else in the house has fallen asleep. I like to rush to bed as soon as possible because I know my kiddos won’t be down for long. I’m so calm right now, and full of so much love and gratitude for my beautiful family. When I tickle Rivi or dance with him or do anything silly, he gives the best belly laugh you’ve ever heard while cooing “maaamaaaaaa” and it’s seriously the best thing I’ve ever heard and I never want to forget it. Juniper has been giving me a run for my money lately, but ultimately all she wants is all my love. How amazing is that? That my biggest annoyance is someone wanting all of my love?! It may be hard to fall asleep with your toes in my back, it may be hard to listen to every one of your 50,000 words per day. But giving you all of my love, always? Easy. Done and done. I’m married to my best friend. I know everyone says that and it’s just so cliche but it’s also just so true. We laugh, constantly. He does anything to make me and our babies smile and I’ll never take that for granted.

BUT I am not writing this as some “look at me my life is so great” brag post. I COULD not have written this post a month ago, or three months ago. Because anxiety is a bitch. With all of my health stuff since January of this year I’ve felt myself growing more and more anxious. Literally walking around like a ticking time bomb, just wondering when my lips would swell and my body would erupt in hives. Slowly during the last year (I didn’t notice at the time) I became more and more impatient. I was losing my temper, snapping, and even yelling at my kiddos. (Kids do need discipline, they don’t need a mother who reacts in the moment with impatience and anxiety) Which is exactly what I was doing, only I hadn’t realized it yet.

 I took CBD for my anxiety at the begginning of the year and I felt myself calmer and more in the moment. I have been out for about 7 months and recently when I really looked hard at my life and accepting that I was NOT practicing self care I decided to figure out what was missing. Juniper had given up naps so I was no longer exercising or journaling. I hadn’t done yoga in months and I was out of cbd. As I almost had a panic attack during Junipers bedtime routine, I marched straight downstairs and asked Chris where the nearest dispensary was. I HAD to start a regimen again. That night I started hemp CBD for anxiety, the next day I started journaling and a week later I started exercise and yoga again. I. Am. A. Whole. New. Person. I like myself again. I’m (mostly) proud of how I respond to my kids during the day, not react. But more importantly I know I’m taking care of myself. That I am doing everything I can to be the best me, so that I can be a good mother and wife and family member and friend. Although I’m a firm believer in CBD, (for all my older friends (grandma) reading- not that it should matter - but cbd is from hemp and has NO THC.;).  I’m not telling you that YOU should go start a CBD  regimen, I just wanted to remind you that you’re worth taking care of, too. Whether it’s booking a therapy appt, going for a run, or picking back up a habit or hobby that made you destress. We give so much of ourselves to everyone else and we deserve that same care and affection from within. It may have taken me years to realize, but I love finally knowing that I’m worth the extra work, too.

I got that sunshine in my pocket

I spent many years of my life refusing to let myself be happy. Believing that if I truly allowed myself that freedom of just loving life, that it would hurt all the more when the next blow hit. Whenever a family member would relapse, or get in trouble, it totally blindsided me. I never knew when she wasn’t sober. I would be happily skipping through life, only to be struck in the kneecaps with bad news. I would derail. I would drink. (Not that drinking is BAD, but hidden vodka in your room in high-school is bad) Skip school. Block out everyone. Ignore my friends. Not speak to family. Go on super loud car rides and scream the lyrics to The Used (I still do this 😂) but still, I didn’t have very good coping skills. 

That’s more personal than I wanted to get but I felt a little back story was necessary to get this point across, I am so, so, so grossly happy. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid the universe will strip it away, never to be found again. I now finally know that I will find it again. We lost our dog last week, I have some health stuff, but these things no longer prohibit me from happiness. Life isn’t perfect, and if I have anything to thank my imperfect life for, it’s that after 31 years I’ve finally learned to roll with the punches.  There is something so freeing about being yourself, and being happy with that self. Not letting outside influences determine what makes you happy or what makes you tick. 

I’ve also discovered with this happiness, that others don’t know what to do with it. I’ve had good friends kind of confused by it. Or who try to point out the negatives in a situation when I am trying to see a positive.  Why do we do this to each other? I’m at a point in my life where I ONLY want to lift each other up. I only want to be surrounded with positivity and love and big dreams. I’ve even found myself FAKE commiserating with people, because I guess it’s just not normal for someone to be sleep deprived and chunky but still having sunbeams shooting out of their face 😂. I’m sarcastic and self-deprecating by nature and by habit, but y’all, I’m HAPPY. I have my kids. My amazing husband. My family. My golden old friends and my shiny new friends. But none of them are the SOURCE of my happiness. I’ve just finally found it and it feels pretty amazing, I hope you find it too. 💕

Keeping it real.

I’ve had a few different posts I’ve been wanting to make lately, but life is short and free time in my life is even shorter, so I decided to lump it all together here. 

I am not a saint. When I am extremely stressed out I am kind of known for dropping the F bomb. I know I should never do this in front of the kids, but.... I’m human and it has. 

Juniper, Rivi and I rushed to the post office Monday right before nap time (strike #1) and both of them were on that slippery slope of losing all rationality when sleepiness takes over.  The line was out the door (strike #2) but I had just lugged them and all of the packages out of the car and I was determined to make this work. Midway through line and Juniper starts getting antsy. I quietly bribe her with a cake pop because I was daydreaming about coffee anyways. Let’s just say ... she did not earn a cake pop. On the way to the car I’m holding Rivi on my hip and carrying a kicking and screaming Juniper out to the car surfboard style - when she calls me a name. 

Ok. Back pedal. Her new thing when she is frustrated is to make up a stream of insults to call you. Luckily she thinks “middle” is a bad word and it usually goes “you stinky angry mad bad middle boo boo boob guy mad middle head.”  Whatever, kid. Get it out. Well ...

In the post office parking lot on a very busy day, getting a few stares because of my wailing toddler, Juniper screams “I WAS BEHAVED ENOUGH FOR A CAKE POP, FUCK HEAD. “

I’m in total disbelief. I have better insults than that, so she’s definitely never heard me call anyone a Fhead. I try to ignore it and somehow strap her into the car seat (anyone notice how a tantrumy toddler legit turns into an octopus? For some reason there’s extra arms and legs and wrestling them into the car seat is nothing short of a miracle. Anyways. This is where she calls me the name again. I think she’s more afraid that I’m being totally silent. 

I slam her door because I can have attitude too, Juniper. ;) 

I squat down below the window where she cannot see me, and I laugh harder than I have in my entire life. Until tears are streaming down my face and I’m having to catch my breathe. Because WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?? I get in the car silent still and she’s pretty concerned. We talk about name calling, she knows that one is a huge no, she loses tv for the day, and all is well.  

Which leads into story #2. I’ve been ready to take away all screen time for a while but needed the motivation. That was my motivAtion. (Also reading that article where screen time to kids is like cocaine to adults). I told Juniper the doc called and explained how bad TV is for our brain and that from now on she can only get one show in the morning while I make breakfast, and then it’s off for the rest of the day. My child is a brand new child and were only on day 4. She plays again, she’s kind, there has been no name calling. She’s sleeping better, eating better, interested in crafts and learning and constantly wanting to be outside. It’s amazing. Not going to lie, a little more exhausting for me. But it forces me to stay present, put my phone down, and really BE with the kids all day.  I go to bed way more exhausted, but I have a little more pride in our day.  Worth it. 

Which leads me to my closing story. Recently I stepped out of the shower and asked Juniper to bring me a towel, I had wet curly hair and clearly was naked, she walks in and says “here’s a towel mom, oh wow, you look like MAUI”. (From Moana. I’ll include pic). I was thinking ok, maybe this isn’t so bad. So I said “I look super strong and powerful?!”  And she says “No mom. You have crazy hair and a squishy tummy”.  (I made sure she knew I was proud of my squishy tummy that grew my babies ... but still hurt a little 😂) 

Life with toddlers, y’all. Just keeping it real. And forever keeping their parents humble. 

(Ps - Rivi is a chill angel baby who I can’t get enough of. He’s independent and learning to tantrum so don’t worry, he will get some more blog time soon enough :) 

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/disney/images/5/54/Maui.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20161226102355

LIVE YOUR TRUTH

I learned a huge lesson in 2017. Live your truth. I heard it echoed again in Oprah’s phenomenal speech at the Golden Globes last night and thought I would expand on what it means to me. In 2017 I decided that I would not be fake, not for anyone. Not to gain new mommy friends. Not to keep old friends. Not to fit in where I don’t belong. I like the woman I am, and the ever-evolving woman I am becoming. I will not apologize for myself, my beliefs, my husbands career, or how I raise my children. I’ve said a few times that 2017 built me instead of breaking me. What I mean is that - I realized what’s truly important to me. The 5 weeks Rivi was in the Nicu - I FELT myself evolving. I felt my fierce mama bear come out as I decided - this is the only thing that is important. Through tears one night I told Chris - THIS is all that matters. My children. My husband. For me to be the best mother and wife I can be, for me to live MY truth, I had to let go of all the other outside factors I had deemed important. Were my friendships and family important? Absolutely. Are they MORE important than my own and my children’s well-being? No. It was that simple to let go. I could not maintain cross country relationships at the same level that I had been trying since we moved away, it was exhausting.  I thought that “looking” like a good mom was important. I tried to buy mom clothes and have makeup on before I left the house, and I hate both shopping and applying make up. I would apologize for my weight. Why am I apologizing for my appearance?! I have major thyroid problems and I enjoy carbs. No apologies necessary.  Last year I stopped wearing makeup altogether and it was so liberating for me. THIS IS ME. My true self. Literally. Freckles and all. Take it or leave it. I want my children to grow up knowing that whoever they are inside - in their soul - when living their truth - that it’s ok to be that person. I don’t want my loud, loving, smart, strong-willed, demanding head-strong daughter to lose those attributes because I and society spend years telling her it’s not acceptable behavior for a girl. Strong-willed, loud, smart woman are who literally change the world. I want my babies to grow up knowing that they have the power to help change the world. So this is my goal for 2018 - continue to live my truth. Whether it’s ugly or hurtful or painful or beautiful and liberating, be who I am. Feel what I feel when I feel it, with no apologies. Stand up for what I believe in, fight for what I believe is right, while loving and respecting those arouund me. I hope in the process my children will learn valuable lessons about what is truly important and that they too, will learn to live their best lives, being true to their selves.