Gymboree Play & Music!

Let's just start with stating that I am not a newbie to Gymboree. I started taking nanny babies when I was 18 years old and I'm quite certain I could teach the class with my eyes closed. I've literally gone once a week (or MORE) for consecutive YEARS of my life.  Although I loved the kids I nannied and was proud of them when they accomplished new things, it is nothing to the momma pride I feel when I watch Juniper! 

At almost 11 months and only our 2nd class, she acts like a seasoned veteran. She climbed things I didn't know were possible for her, she clapped with the teacher and the songs and she speed crawled through the obstacles like she just knew how. I was shaking and full of pride! (Haha - no, the shaking was the 3 cups of coffee and no food I consumed to get us out of the door so early) but I was definitely full of pride :) 

She is an extremely brave, determined, independent little girl. When she thought I wasnt looking she would book it to the other side of the room, then cackle when I came after her. When I put my hand on her bottom to steady her when climbing, she actually turned around and used her tiny hand to push mine away! (Ouch!) 

A little boy grabbed her shirt and pushed her down to take her toy. She sat right back up, mean-mugged him, snatched the toy back and turned her back where he couldn't reach it again. 

She's the youngest in the class by a few months and the only one not walking yet so I figure I'm allowed to let her stand up for herself however she can? We will figure out manners later. 

Anyways, this was the highlight of my day and I am so thankful I get to be the one to take Juniper to the class every week. She's my favorite. Seeing her little personality shine makes me so excited (and terrified) for the future. ❤️

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

Yall, I love Christmas. Like, I LOVE LOVE CHRISTMAS. I think Thanksgiving is the perfect start to the Holiday season. Even if we can't be with family, were reminded to just stop and think and remember what we are thankful for before we go gift crazy. I love giving gifts. I love spending time and picking out something special for someone and feeling so accomplished when I get it right. Gift cards suck...just sayin . But back to things I am thankful for; like green bean casserole, stretchy yoga pants, and coffee creamer. I am most thankful for my sweet husband this year, and the beautiful little girl we made together. I am thankful for all of our family and their love and support. I am thankful for our beautiful friendships that have withstood the test of time, and distance.

I am beyond excited that this is the first year Chris and I have purchased a Christmas tree together! We were either living in tiny apartments in Atlanta and buying tiny fake Charlie Brown trees, or we were saving up for a wedding and a big move, or we had just moved and spent all of our money on the wedding, or we were super pregnant and didn't want to deal with taking decor down with a newborn. This year on the day after Thanksgiving; Chris, Juniper and I drove to a Christmas tree farm in 19 degrees, and picked our perfect tree. I know Juniper doesn't quiet "get it" yet, but she still finds the tree fascinating and home girl knows how to rip up some paper, so Christmas morning should be fun!

 Merry Christmas, Yall. I hope your Holiday season is filled with Peace, Love, and Reeses' Christmas Trees.

My girl

Oh sweet Juniper, these past three weeks have been so very trying. In the past couple of days you have decided you don't mind formula or bottles, but you only take them every other day. I worry it's your tummy hurting and you can't tell me. I savor these baby moments, but I look forward to when you can tell me what's wrong. 

You are so strong-willed. You're determined to do things yourself (already!) or to at least pretend to. You like to brush your teeth, and trying to put the top on the bottle. When I was feeding you via syringe last week you would laugh and take the syringe from me and then dip it into the cup yourself. I love watching you learn.

You have been very attached to mommy lately and very cuddly, but I don't mind. Well I mind a little at 4am, and when I'm on the phone with an automated system and the whines keep making the thing say "I'm sorry. I do not understand". Same here, lady. Same here. 

We haven't left the house much in the past few weeks, first because of you being sick, then mama sick, then you not eating, and then me having to pump around the clock. But now that I'm done pumping and you sometimes decide to eat, we're going to get out and about  again when the snow clears. 

I love you, so much. You teach me patience and have filled my heart with more than I could ever imagine. I wonder if I read to you enough, if I'm challenging your little growing mind enough, if you're getting a well-balanced diet (especially since you forego breastmilk and formula!) 

All I can do is try my best, ya know? And I'll always try my best for you. ❤️❤️

Bittersweet

And after 10 months... Daddy finally gets to feed Juniper a bottle ❤️💔

Juniper got sick almost 2 weeks ago, on top of all 4 top teeth trying to come through. She quit nursing! As a mommy I was panicking because my baby wasn't eating, I was sad because nursing ended so abruptly and we have such a good nursing relationship and I was super exhausted because Juniper would be up every night from 1-4am - hungry but refusing to eat.

I'm positive it was a nursing strike, associated with stuffy nose and hurting gums. And where most babies usually come around and start to nurse again, Juniper is very headstrong and I truly just don't see her going back to nursing. (She didn't like bottles? Never took them. Hated purees? Straight to finger foods.) I tried all the tricks. Walked around topless. Co-bathing. Trying to nurse when she first woke/was tired/was fast asleep. Trying after Tylenol and teething tablets and a wet rag on gums. Tried to trick her with a bottle or syringe first and then switch to breast. She wasn't having it. I syringe fed her pumped milk for 10 days. 

Then last night she finally took a 3oZ bottle from dad in the evening, then a 3oz bottle from me at bedtime.  Then she slept 9 glorious hours straight. NINE. She woke at 4:30, drank 2 more oz, then slept til 7:30am. Unicorns and rainbows and all the magical things!! 

She is of course refusing them today, but she has a stuffy nose and is constantly rubbing her gums. Poor baby. 

I bought formula today. I was embarrassed. I felt inadequate buying it. I wanted everyone to know I tried my best and I just can't pump enough. I don't judge anyone else for formula and I know second to breastmilk it's the healthiest thing we will ever feed our babies, but my goal was no formula. Exclusively breastfed for 12 months. But Juniper  had other plans. I'm still accepting this. So far she won't take the formula but I think that's more because she's not feeling well than anything. 

I'm still going to pump as much as I can. But as soon as she's taking formula and it's not worth it to pump anymore (like pumping 5x a day for not even a whole bottle-) I am going to be done. 

10 months is an amazingly long time to exclusively breastfeed. No date nights. Minimal caffeine. Nursing 2-4x a night because that's just what Juniper wanted. No help because Chris can't nurse her 😂 there's so many pros and cons to be moving past this stage in Junipers life. Pro? I've already lost 6lbs. I was an unlucky one who held on to the weight when nursing non stop. Another pro? Daddy and Juniper can bond a little more and he can do some night time feeding. Another pro? Girls night. 

I'm sad and happy it has come to this. Sad that our amazing nursing relationship has ended. Happy that we made it this far. Sad this Juniper doesn't need me in quite the same way anymore. Happy that I'm her mama and she will always need me. Sad I did not get to mentally prepare myself for Juniper to be finished nursing. Happy that we didn't have some long drawn out complicated weaning process. 

As long as she's happy and healthy, I'll be fine ☺️

 

Pinterest for the win!

An Instagram friend made a post about building a safety bench for her fireplace hearth. I had been "pinteresting" the idea but hadn't pulled the trigger yet - I was using the highly effective "pillows in front of brick and hope for the best" method. Her post and the fact that Juniper was officially crawling and trying to pull up (and whose main goal in life was to crawl to the fireplace and knock pillows down, then try to stand up! Super safe!) made me bite the bullet and get this thing built! (What's up with my gun analogies today?!) 

First measure the height, width, and depth of you're fireplace hearth. I didn't bother building the ends because we have two chairs and I don't plan on Juniper being on the sides of the fireplace. 

Take those measurements to Home Depot and have some ply wood cut to size! They had a huge sheet on sale for $9.25. 

Head to JoAnns Fabric (after printing all of their coupons off line - including a 60% off of any item, 50% off fabric, & whatever else you can get!) 

Here I found 2 yards of brown fleece material - on sale for 9$/yard

I found my filler/batting for $24.99- but 60% off. Let's say $10 because math. 

I also purchased spray adhesive here for 3.99. 

I saved a little on the project because we already own a staple gun, I just had to buy staples for 7$. If you don't have a staple gun already you will need to add that into expenses! We also already had a drill and screws. 

(My handy pink tool kit I've had for 11 years that Chris complains about but hasn't replaced :) 

Now a lot of tutorials say to use wood glue and glue the wood first while

propping it up at the 90 degree angle and  clamp it overnight then screw the next day - but nobody's got time fo' that. I skipped the glue and went straight to drilling. 

Actually drilling into plywood kind of sucks, so thanks babe :) 

I then added my padding and spray adhesive. For best stick spray a little as you go, and spray your wood and fabric.  

I do regret using batting instead of say a foam mattress topper. When the dogs ruin this one I will re-do differently! 

Lay the fabric down on the ground and make sure smooth and straight. Put your newly built hearth cover in center, padding face down, and pull fabric tight around each side, using staple gun to secure every few inches. I think staple guns are fun. I stapled, a lot. 

My fireplace is 6' long. Two yards of fabric fit perfectly with a tight stretch. Just a reference when deciding how much to get. More is best! 

This only took me about 20 minutes total of actually putting together and I only spent around $52. I don't play. I get shit done. ☺️

Wah-lah! Safety and non-ghetto looking. Win win.  Juniper immediately crawled over and tried to pull up and I was 82% less worried. Also ... She CRAWLED over. She's been crawling for a couple of days now, so right around 8.5 months !!! My teeny baby!! 

(Baby) weight on my shoulders.

Y'all, I am totally okay with the way I look until I see a picture. My thyroid levels are great, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I have an amazing husband and baby, and as long as I avoid the scale and/or looking at pictures of myself I can live in ignorant bliss. 

I know that thyroid disease + breastfeeding play a major role in my weight loss progress (or lack thereof) I know that when Juniper weans I will no longer worry about my supply and my endocrinologist and I can work on losing weight with my hashimotos hypothyroid. I know that my body is doing and has done amazing things. After birthing a baby, making it through those first sleepless 6 weeks, and exclusively breastfeeding for 8+ months, I quite literally feel like superwoman. 

I'm proud of this body and all it has done. I see a cushy mommy who has put her baby first and knows when Juniper no longer needs to nurse, I will be more "me" again. Right now, and for the past 18 months, my body is shared. 

So why am I going through vacation pictures and afraid to post any on social media? I've realized it's not because I care how I look in these pictures. It's because I care what others will think. 

The muttered words of "look how big she has gotten" or "I can't believe she hasn't lost that baby weight".... And it makes me sick. It makes me sick that I care. It makes me sick that society has made us to care. 

My tummy is saggy and has stretch marks. But it housed and grew and protected my little girl. My boobs are out of control and can barely be contained, and unless I have surgery they will never look the same. But they nourish and comfort my little girl. My arms are where most of the weight seems to reside. But these arms cuddle, protect, carry, and play with my little girl. ( And change endless diapers.)  

I'm really over the "getting my body back" pictures mere weeks after having a baby. You never lost your body. It's been there kicking ass all along.

I wish we/society as a whole could put more focus on these things. The important things. Because when I look back on these pictures in 2,5,15,30years from now I will not see a "fat mommy", I will see a beautiful happy family who made amazing memories with close friends on a weekend getaway to Breckenridge. And that's what is important. 

Fun times at Oktoberfest, Juniper's first dinner out (she did great!), football, yummy food, amazing company, and beautiful views. ❤️  

Changing of Seasons

Now that I am a mother, I pay a lot more attention to the time. Is it time for Juniper to eat/nap/play? Is it time for her to be crawling? Is it time for another tooth? Is it time to introduce more foods? I think about time, and I check the time, constantly. 

Then a little thing happens and I think of time in a totally different light. Why is time so fleeting. How is Juniper already 8 months old. 

The weather in Denver is still mid 80s, but now with lows in the 50s at night. The early mornings and late afternoons are crisp and you can smell autumn fast approaching. This is my favorite time of the year. 

Juniper always sleeps in a short sleeve onesie with a wearable "sleep sack" over it. Tonight though, it was time to switch her to long sleeves. Soon enough, pants and socks will be added as well. 

Juniper's first winter, spring, and summer have all come and gone. It was so surreal, putting the long sleeves on her. I can check the time, and the date, and see how she is growing and changing, but the switch to long sleeves truly stands out to me, signifying that the seasons are changing. 

I take a ton of photos of Juniper, because as much as I look forward to seeing her learn and grow and explore, I want to freeze time. I want to pause on every new facial expression. I want to always hear those sweet baby belly laughs. I want to relive watching her discover new things with those tiny fingers and looks of concern, over and over again. 

Life is really, really good, yall....but oh so fleeting. ❤️

Where does the time go?!

I'm sure one day when Juniper is much, much older I will be asking myself the same question all over again. I know for those with older kids they may think I'm silly for not believing my girl will be "only" 7 months old on Friday.  (I didn't edit this until a full month after I began writing it. Mommy hood, right?! Juniper is now almost 8 months!) 

My heart is so full. I want all of my best friends who don't have babies yet to run out and get pregnant ;) because the amount of love and joy I feel being this sweet loves mama, I cannot express in words. 

Juniper is still exclusively breastfed. We made it to the 6 month mark & beyond, so now my goal is 12 months unless she decides to wean on her own beforehand. We have started introducing solids and because of her hatred for puréed foods we are doing baby led weaning. Only a couple of "bites" , if that,  are making it to her belly, but she's enjoying the experience and not fighting it like with the purées! I was so excited and I went out and bought a ton of organic fruits and veggies. I spent the day roasting and steaming and pureeing and freezing - & girlfriend wants nothing to do with them! 

Her first tooth popped through the gums on Saturday, August 1st. Just a week shy of her 7 month birthday! 

Sleep & naps are still all over the place, some days she shows improvements and I get my hopes up and then we start all over again. So as long as she is happy & healthy (which she is) I'm not stressing it anymore. It'll be soon enough where she sleeps through the night & I will miss our midnight cuddles. I can kiss her sleepy peach fuzz head 100x without her pulling away 😍 it's kind of my fave. 

She's been sitting up on her own for a little over a month now, and rolls all over the place. She is showing no sign of crawling yet but I'm totally okay with that! 

Juniper has learned to reach her arms up when she wants to be held. It's. The. Best. 

So much love, y'all ❤️

A note to mommies....

This is a post I started in a baby forum to remind other mommies, and myself, that we are enough. We are doing the best we can with what we have. We are enough. I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. I can't painlessly wear a bra. My hair is falling out in chunks and I can't make it go curly, or straight. I have 100 stretch marks. But I am learning to accept this. I'm a mommy. My biggest accomplishment, and I'm learning to accept these temporary changes - because I am a mommy! 

"I'm one of the biggest offenders. Trying to get things "right". "Sleep training" "How to make baby sleep in crib" "Baby needs nap schedule" "Baby only sleeps on me" 

I was talking to an older "been there done that" mama that I used to nanny for (& whom I love and adore) and I was stressing that my sweet baby girl only likes to nap on me and blah blah blah. 

She reminded me to slow down. Breathe. Enjoy the cuddles. As a first time mom I don't realize how quickly this stage passes. How quickly our little ones turn into big ones and they don't want to nap on mom anymore, or when they're even older & want nothing to do with mom and dad. 

I know not all of us get to be stay at home moms. I know a lot have other babies. We all have dishes and laundry piling and dirty bathrooms and spit up clothes. We don't have time for perfect hair and bodies. Maybe things around the house are neglected, maybe even ourselves, but our babies are not. 

Were all doing a great job. Were all beautiful mothers doing what we can for our precious babies. Some of us hold our babies for naps. Some stick a binky back in little ones mouths all night long. Some of us are still up multiple times a night. Some of us bounce and sway and shhhhh until we think we cannot anymore. Whether we feel silly, or like were doing it "wrong", were doing what our babies need - whatever we can, and that makes us really good mommies. 

This stage is going to pass so quickly, this is just a reminder. So next time I come to you seeking advice on how to get my sweet baby girl to nap in the crib, please remind me that my arms are just fine for now.

Growing up. Mother or daughter?

I kind of gave up writing when I gave up reading. I think I was more depressed than I cared to admit upon moving to Colorado. Yes it was new and exciting, but where did I fit in? Chris had the growing cannabis thing - as a job, a hobby, and a passion. I had a Montessori job that I hated for less money than I've ever made, then a nanny job where I loved the family but hated being their maid. I just wasn't happy. I was (still am - but just had a baby so excuses) super overweight but instead of exercising after work I would smoke and do nothing. My way of "unwinding" was really a great cover for no motivation depression.  I loved being a newlywed to my amazing husband but I felt empty otherwise. New state, new job, school losing accreditation, friends that were thousands of miles away, it was just a lot of changes all at once. 

Then I got pregnant with Juniper. My life had purpose again.  She is now 3.5 months old and my entire reason for being. I strive to be a better wife , a better person, and a better mom because of her.  

Juniper is a beautiful, healthy, happy fun baby and I couldn't be more thankful / blessed. I never imagined that a love this strong existed. It's beautiful and consuming. Juniper will not take a bottle yet, and although everyone tells me how awful it must be to be 100% tethered to your child, at all times; I think it's special. Breast feeing is hard and demanding and sometimes exhausting and painful, but knowing I'm giving my baby the very best makes it worth it. 

Breastfeeding is the first thing I haven't given up on as soon as it got hard. I am a quitter. When I am afraid to fail at something I go ahead and give up. Jobs, majors, diets, etc. I know I persevered with breastfeeding because it is for Junipers health & well-being. Because I refuse to give her formula because it was "too hard for me".  If for some reason beyond my control my supply dwindles and I have to supplement then so be it, that's fine. I have nothing against formula or moms who choose to formula feed. I have something against ME not trying my hardest to breastfeed for a year. I am one of the unlucky ladies who can't lose weight while breastfeeding ... What can ya do?  I would rather have to wear my fat pants a little longer than sacrifice the benefits of breastfeeding. 

I think breastfeeding is teaching me discipline while Juniper and Chris are teaching me true happiness.  I've gotten back into doing things I enjoy. I read again (too much, if you ask Chris). I write again.  I've started doing yoga again.

This is my life, right now, and I intend to make it as fabulous as possible. Now that we have this sweet baby to love and to help grow into a loving, caring, happy, and healthy little being, there is no giving up.