Worry.

“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.”
― Dan Zadra


There are thousands and thousands of quotes when it comes to the art of worrying. At least that is what my Google search is telling me at 3am this morning, as I cannot sleep, riddled with worry. The quote above truly resonates with me, as I have always had a very wild and vivid imagination. Normally upon falling asleep each night my mind takes me to far away places (very happy places) and I fall asleep to dream about very weird, very silly things. I have never thought about a "good" imagination being associated with a deep level of worry although now that I do it makes a lot of sense. Just as my mind can make up an elaborate day dream where Chris and I travel the world with our children while learning different languages and saving orphans and living with dolphins...it can also go to a deeper, darker place, where I constantly think of all of the things that could go wrong. I have always deeply appreciated my sense of imagination. My imagination makes boring situations not so boring. My imagination has made nannying 100% more fun as I could relate and be silly with children on an entirely different level. I know I get my imagination from my mother, although I am pretty sure she doesn't have the worry side as I do. She is very much able to "live in the now", and has learned that stressing about tomorrow will do absolutely nothing for you.

Before this pregnancy I worried a little, but I ultimately knew that everything was going to be just fine one way or another. Now that I am pregnant I worry to the point of giving myself anxiety. I worry to the point of needing to Google "worry" at 3am when I should be sleeping. I worry to the point where I can not sleep... because my mind is too wildly worried.

I know tons of mothers who worry, even tons of seemingly laid back mothers who have a million different anxieties when it comes to their children. Is this part of the territory? Now instead of minimally worrying about yourself you have to maximally worry about another human being, one that for a short time you are solely responsible for? After nannying for extremely uptight mothers in the past I have always said I would never let myself turn into that person. I said I would still be fun and laid back and "careful - but not crazy". I see the mothers who cannot let their children climb a play set on their own in fears of the child slipping and falling. I see the parents using sippy cups until children are well past the age of being able to hold a "big kid cup" on their own in fears of the mess they may make. These things very well could happen, and do happen often, but does that mean we must hover under our child's every move to protect them from ever making a mistake or having an accident? I hope not.

Baby Juniper hasn't actually entered the real world quite yet, but I find myself worrying non-stop. Not just about pregnancy and birth related accidents, but about things months and years away. My once happy go lucky dreams have turned stressful. I woke the other night from a very vivid dream that I had already had our sweet baby girl. In the dream she was still on a 2-hour feeding schedule yet I kept forgetting and not feeding her until the 4 hour mark. I kept wondering why I was such a bad mother and how could I just go 2 extra hours without thinking to feed our baby?

I look around our house and think of all the things and places where she could hurt herself. I have a running list of what needs to be child-proofed once she is crawling, pulling up, walking. Mind you, some of the best children I have ever had the pleasure of nannying grew up in laid back households where parents did not believe in child proofing their home in any way and taught their children what not to touch...and I swore I would be this way too. But now I view the world as this huge entity just full of things that can hurt our baby. I worry that I will slip and fall while holding her. I worry that our house is too cold or too hot for her to sleep comfortably. I worry that we won't teach her to grow up and love the world around her because despite all of the scariness, it is a beautiful world to be in. I worry that I will accidentally complain about myself in the mirror in front of her and give her self-esteem issues. I worry that when she becomes a teenager she will hit that dark place that many teenagers hit and that I won't be able to reach her.

So, is this par for the course? Am I destined to be the crazy worrying over protective mother (who was once a very laid back, but cautious, fun loving nanny?) Is this normal for pregnancy? I know the crazier dreams can be blamed on pregnancy...I just hope this new found anxiety can be as well.


“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”
― Corrie ten Boom,


I do not want the strength of today taken away with my worry for the future. I will find my happy, easy going, fun loving imaginative self again and I vow to not let my daughter grow up with a mother riddled with worry and anxiousness over things that are beyond our control. What will be, will be. I vow to let Juniper climb to the top of the play set so I can see the pride in her face when she accomplishes such a big feat, without her mother standing below begging her to be careful or to come back down. I vow to let her use a big girl cup just like my Montessori students did, so she can learn to wipe up her mess and move on - spilled milk is nothing to cry over. I vow to try daily to show her the beauty this world has to offer, whether it be from the kindness of ourselves or others, the amazing mountain sunsets in our own back yard, or simply through the amount of love that her father and I have for her.

FINAL COUNTDOWN!

                       .... & some nursery lovin' 


Baby Junipers nursery is all ready to go, we just need her to gain a little more fat over the next few weeks and then make her appearance! Eeeeek! SO excited! I didn’t think that getting the nursery together would be that important to me. I have always thought “Crib, dresser, clothes, done!” I now think that the nursery helps you to focus your energy on something other than “the countdown”…while you definitely have a count going on in your head, at least with a nursery project you can also have the thought “not yet – your room isn’t ready!”

My sweet Nana gave me her old sewing machine 4 years ago and as of last month I had never used it. Chris and I took it out one time, Googled “how to use a sewing machine”, couldn’t figure it out and returned it to the box for the next 3 years. Last month I decided there were two things I absolutely needed for Junipers nursery that I could not find anywhere. She NEEDED a pillow for her rocker, and a pendant banner to go over her crib and zero on the market were exactly what I was looking for. We loaded up the sewing machine and took it to a local sew shop and for free of charge…they taught me how to use it! I mean minimally, of course, I still had to Google tips and advice throughout the entire project, but I am so proud! 

Harper was very confused at this process. 

Are they perfect? No! Do I love them because they are the first projects I have attempted and I made them for our sweet baby girl? Yes! 

If anyone wants an imperfectly sewn anything for their baby made with little skill but lots of love – I’m your girl!

The color doesn’t come through just right in pictures, but her room is the prettiest lightest minty-est of colors. I didn’t want a loud or busy nursery. No hot pink and lime green zebra stripes over here. (No offense if that’s your style! More power to you!) I love that our bedroom is our sanctuary, where we sleep and relax; I wanted her nursery to be a relaxing sanctuary for her as well. 

I hope that my next blog post will be the welcoming of a very healthy Ms. Juniper Grace. We will hope and pray that the remainder of our pregnancy goes smoothly, safely, and healthy. Until then, Mommy, Daddy, Harper & Poncho will continue to wait as patiently as possible. Well… Mommy and Daddy will! Harper and Poncho will continue to not know what the hell is going on until their life is turned upside down with the arrival of a tiny new human who may steal some of their cuddles and attention.  

Just ask  if you’re interested to find out where any of the furniture came from. Between Target and Amazon it is all very well made, affordable, and easy to assemble pieces!

"Never gonna sleeeeep againnn"

I have heard people talk about that phase in the last trimester where your body/mind prepares you for having a child and waking up for feedings every few hours and you are no longer able to sleep. I don't think it is some crazy phenomena that your smart body is preparing you for- It is a very logical situation. It simply boils down to peeing every single hour, the inability to get comfortable, hurting once you have laid on one side for too long, but knowing that if you roll over to the other side you will be out of breathe for 10 minutes and your significant other will wake up to the sound of you heaving...from..rolling over. Tonight is the first night I have chosen to stay on the couch rather than stay in bed, not because I don't love my bed, but because I really do love my husband. I don't want any uncontrollable third trimester anger raging as he sleeps peacefully and I struggle to balance a pillow behind my back, a pillow between my legs, a pillow under my huge belly, two pillows under my head, and two feet out from under the blanket...because did I mention how being 25 pounds heavier makes you 50 degrees warmer?!

I would much rather complain about the sleep situation than the actual pregnancy. I feel so guilty if I whine about it because I know it could be way worse. I am growing a precious baby girl that Chris and I already love so much, and that alone makes up for feeling like a huge turtle stuck on its back. We have been very blessed that although at some point during this pregnancy I have experienced what seems like every pregnancy symptom known to (wo)man - so far Baby Juniper is healthy and so is this mommy.

We are literally on our final countdown. Next week we have our 36 week ultrasound appointment where we see approximately how much Juniper weighs, how long she is, and which direction she is facing. I do know that for the past 2 months she has been head down in the birth canal, and all of the sudden TONIGHT she has decided to flip over. Her cute little hiccups are now above my belly button rather than far below. I hope she turns her defiant little self back around before the doctor makes any decisions about the birthing situation! We haven't seen her since our 20 week ultrasound, so I am counting down the days until next appointment!

The nursery is complete. yall!  I will definitely be posting pictures soon seeing as I am quite proud of the outcome! I just picked a few colors and had an idea in my head a few months ago and it has come together so beautifully. We have lived in our house for a little over a year now and her room is literally the only "finished" room. We put lots of love and labor into it and seeing Chris put together ALL of the furniture with zero frustration or bad words is another adorable thing that shows me just how excited he is to meet his daughter!


Any week now our little girl will be here, in our arms, ready for hugs and kisses, and that my friends...is worth the not being able to sleep/breathe/eat/walk/bend over/ part.