Potty training gave me shingles

Let's talk about potty training and stress! Oh my gosh y'all, I was a nervous wreck. Juniper is almost 3 and I just WANTED this for her. I was dreading the arguing and the battles and the pee on my couch. She's a strong willed girl with a huge opinion of her own on how she wants things done... I just knew it was going to be awful. None of those things ever happened. Juniper was super motivated with Halloween candy and was totally trained in 3 days, never had an accident,and on a pretty decent sugar high.

Day 3 I had a killer headache and neck/upper body pain. I thought I was coming down with the flu or slept wrong or extreme pms - I couldn't tell - but I was miserable. The next day I thought I had 3 bug bites on my side below my bra - super random!? Then a rash developed so I assumed I was allergic to the bug bites... except it felt like I was on fire. The next day the 3 "bites" were tripled to a cluster of 10 and it hurt for my clothes to touch or anything. It dawned on me it had to be shingles.

I went to urgent care on Saturday where they told me it was an allergic reaction and to use hydrocortisone. I was SO UPSET. I've had allergic reactions and I know what they feel like.  It also made me feel crazy that 1. No one was listening to me and 2. That maybe I did make up how bad it hurt?! I called my doctor Monday to get me in asap.

I go in today and another two sets of "bug bites" have started - my doctor saw my side for one second and said "absolutely classically textbook shingles"..... relief that I can finally get better AND that I'm not crazy. Unless you stress so hard over potty training that you give yourself shingles.... maybe a little crazy. But in my defense - Rivi isn't old enough for the chicken pox vaccine and I've been super worried that the longer I go untreated the more likely he is to get it.

Moral of the story - POTTY TRAINING IS STRESSFUL AND SHINGLES REALLY HURT.


Ps  shingles is the chicken pox virus that stays dormant in your body/nerves for the rest of your life if you've had chicken pox before. 1 in 5 will develop shingles if they've had chicken pox although it is most common in older people. It's becoming more prevalent in younger people and they believe it's because of stress - and because of the vaccine.

They say ya can't go home

Visits back to Ga for me are so bittersweet. I love seeing family and friends. I love showing my kids where I grew up. I love sweet tea. Hunting lightning bugs with Juniper is a new favorite memory. Having my first 1-1 time with Rivi while Juniper plays with family has been special too. But nothing ages me more than coming "home". Nothing makes me as introspective. I left as a young 25yo with not a lot of cares and this visit I am back as a 31yo mom of 2 with a ton of responsibilities. When I last lived here I could meet you at a bar on a whim, I could stay up late, I could even make plans! When I visit now, my days are quick and sporadic outings planned between bottles and naps and sleep schedules. Even more so than when in Oregon because my kids are also on a different time zone. I feel like I have constantly had to explain why I can't do something or go somewhere. It annoys other people. My baby gets HANGRY and screams in restaurants until I need to leave and wait outside with him. Which leaves a toddler upset and crying for mama ... which means while others enjoy their meal, I'm hanging outside with two young kids who are over it. ( not fun FYI). Rivi is too distracted on the go and he won't eat, which equals a super fussy baby and us up all night feeding to make up the calories (not so fun, either). It doesn't annoy me though. I wouldn't trade this stage or wish it away. It's hard. I'm so exhausted. I barely ever have time to dry my hair and I'm covered in spit up and snot every single day. If I move out of Rivis line of sight for a second he has a meltdown. But jesus it goes by quickly and I'll miss it so damn much. I'll miss Rivi burying his face into my neck. I'll miss Juniper asking "hold you mama" and "let's go chat bout it". and "dis fun mama bear". One day my life won't revolve around bottles and naps and I know I'll yearn for it. I won't wish this away. So friends, I miss you! It's not personal. I'm just nose deep in mama/baby hood & my babies needs will always come first. ❤









Well, I came a long way to be here today
And I left you so long on this avenue.
And here I stand in the strangest land
Not knowing what to say or do.
As I gaze around at these strangers in town
I guess the only stranger is me.
And I wonder, yes, I wonder,
Is this the way life's meant to be?
—Electric Light Orchestra, "The Way Life's Meant to be".

Let's talk about PPD/PPA

PPD and PPA is 20-40% more likely with a baby in the Nicu. I coped okay during the actual Nicu stay, numbing those feelings down with the hospitals donuts. (😱) and getting by on sheer exhaustion, only crying during the car ride to and from home. Once Rivi came home though, the donuts were gone, his inability to nurse was real, and my sanity was GONE. I felt as if I had lost myself and was drowning in motherhood.

Before Rivi was put on reflux medicine we spent hours of our day with him screaming, whether in pain or because he was so hungry but it hurt him to eat. Add in a very jealous toddler, a Mama who didn't get a chance to take care of herself post emergency c-section, and a baby who was only quiet if he was asleep, and I was at my wits end. I cried. A lot. Breastfeeding is very important to me, and having to let that go probably causes the most anxiety. Rivi having random bouts of vomiting and ending up back in hospital, that caused a ton of anxiety. I remember around 3am one morning and Rivi had been screaming for 4 hours. I knew Juniper would be up in 3 and that I was looking at another day with zero sleep. I cried while looking out the window and seriously longed to just drive away. I clearly couldn't help my screaming baby so he would be better off without me anyways. The thoughts were so strong that I knew it was time to get help. I scheduled a PPD appt immediately. This is huge. I didn't want to be medicated. I didn't want any reason to retain/gain more weight. But my need to be healthy mentally for my children was greater than my dislike of medication and weight issues. Unfortunately for me, the doctors office really dropped the ball here. My first two appts they scheduled when the doctor wasn't even in, so when I arrived, I was went sent away. (And since getting showered, dressed, both kids happy and settled for me to go to the doctor took all day, this really sucked) The third appt was cancelled last moment. I'm so thankful that I was in an ok enough mental state to wait out these cancellations. I kept thinking "wow, if a Mama was worse off than me this could be a really, really bad thing". In the meantime I started meditating again. Not for long, just a few quiet moments through the day to focus and regroup. "In with the calm, out with the chaos" was/is my mantra. I hate yelling at Juniper. Yet I found my exhaustion huge and my patience thin and I was ashamed of how I was parenting.

My PPD/PPA felt like a black hole. Everything was a blur and I was in a very dark place. I barely remember any details from the first 2.5 months. Add in where you are *supposed* to be totally loving your new life with your sweet newborn baby and not be overwhelmed and sad and anxious, and it only worsened.  I did have the blissful newborn experience with Juniper, after her nicu stay and kidney scare. We had time to stare lovingly into each other's eyes, nurse around the clock, and nap together everyday after our sleepless nights. I think this helped me to recognize I wasn't in the same place when Rivi was home. Had I not experience that with Juniper, I may not have known something was "off".

Eventually Rivi started screaming less (reflux medicine 🙌), eventually little by little I felt the black hole starting to chip away. I literally felt as if every few days a bit of light would shine back into my darkness. Maybe I was able to blow dry my hair. Maybe I got laundry and dinner and cuddles done without feeling it was all overwhelming and impossible. Maybe both kids took naps and whining was minimal. I remember about a month ago when Chris said something funny and I laughed... and it turned into crying. Happy crying. It was the first time I could recall laughing since put on bed rest in December. Another light shining through.

I found myself singing along to music again, instead of numbly going through the motions of the day, more of the darkness chipping away.

Some days are still hard. Having a toddler a a newborn is no joke. Having very few friends (who are still brand new to you) in a new state and being 2,000 miles away from family and YOUR people, the ones that get you, is really hard. I still don't complete all the tasks on my list and I still lose my patience, but the light is shining again. I'm happy and hopeful and no longer wanting to drive away into the night.

I feel as if the nicu robbed me of bonding with Rivi, and then not being able to nurse him made me feel even further away. The endless hours of screaming where I could not help or seem to comfort him made me feel like a total failure as his mother.

I felt like I dropped the ball daily (and I probably did) but there was no rebound for me then. One hard morning spiraled into a hard day, evening, and night. I recently saw a quote that read "was it really a hard day? Or was it a hard 5 minutes that you milked all day?" It's helped to remind me that we can always turn our day around.

PPD and PPA is so common, and so many moms (like me) are afraid to ask for help. Afraid to acknowledge that this job of motherhood, that our bodies are literally made for, could be so difficult. Ashamed that while others are experiencing a blissful newborn experience, we are 2 minutes away from lots of tears at any given moment.

Meditation has been my most helpful tool, I am able to calm when stressed, be in the moment, and be aware of myself when I may be slipping and not taking care of my mental health.  Having a husband who although has no advice (sweet man) but will tirelessly listen to me vent and talk through my emotions really helps a ton. Of course all of my friends through txt support have been a life saver.

I'm able to appreciate the little moments again. Rivi is such a ham. He loves to give big smiles over and over until his little cheeks are red and he's just giggling! Juniper just walked past me carrying a canned la croix and a bag of chips 🙄and I had to smile at my toddler teen.

Please friends, pay attention to your mental health. Mommin IS hard, but if you find yourself feeling like you're in a very dark place, that there is no hope, or that your children are better off without you, please seek help immediately. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Our hormones are changing and we're now in charge of a baby (or a baby + siblings! 😱) and it IS overwhelming. ❤

In with the calm, out with the chaos.

Twice since Easter weekend has Rivi been in the hospital. Blood work and IVs and Mama crying helplessly as my baby is poked and prodded. Add in the worry of what the tests may show and the fear of needles and I'm basically just hyperventilating in a corner. Seeing my tiny babe all hooked up to monitors and tubes sends me right back to the NICU where I developed some real postpartum anxiety.  Last weekend we were sent to the hospital as my baby was tested for leukemia. It was a very false alarm and a bad misjudgment on the doctors behalf but it was the scariest hour of my life waiting for those results. This baby just hasn't had an easy entrance into the world. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis, amplified when he is sick, is out of control. I've recently started meditating again. Meditative breathing first thing in the morning and then focusing on what our goals are for the day. Peace. Calm. Patience. Empathy. Kindness. "In with the calm, out with the chaos". We had the best few mornings we've had in quite a while since I've started this again.... Skip ahead a few hours to Rivis routine 4 month appt as we find out that he needs surgery. I kept it together. I stayed calm. I didn't hyperventilate or cry. I asked questions and was told we can't really discuss the plan until after he has an ultrasound. It's a small surgery. (He has a  hydrocele in his testicle that has become herniated. Very common in premature boys. They warned us in the Nicu that if it didn't heal on its own and it became herniated that surgery would be required). I know we're scheduling another event where my baby will be poked and prodded and have an IV and monitors and my mama heart wants to run for a corner and scream and cry and think of how unfair this is. (While the more rational side knows that it could be worse. It could always be worse, and that life isn't fair). I've got to reach deep for some inner peace.

So there's our update. Rivi Roo you are the smiliest, happiest little love. Our family is complete with you. You're growth is right on track and the doctor isn't worried about you otherwise at. all. Your sister refers to herself as your "Super doctor Juju!" And likes to "save the day!" to keep you safe. ❤

Nothing ever goes as planned

I've spent about a week accepting this, and the same amount of time even deciding if I could share or not. But it's nothing to be ashamed of so here goes: Rivi and I's nursing journey is over. And it's heart breaking and a relief all at once. I've battled with supply since the very beginning. Super common with nicu stays and the stress level but I was so damned determined. I was taking absurds amount of fenugreek, alfalfa, malunggay leaf, lecithin DAILY, and prescribed Reglan. I ate all the oatmeal and avocados and salmon and drank so much water I couldn't stand it.  I pumped every 2-3 hours and constantly had lactation remind me I wasn't making enough. I rented the hospital grade pump for 300$ plus $65 additional month.
I. Was. Making. My. Self. Crazy... and depressed.

Rivi nursed on and off for 6 hours the other night. I at first thought it was cluster feeding and then realized - he was just too weak to transfer any milk. He cried, I cried, and I gave him a bottle and felt totally defeated. But he was fed, and happy, and it was still breast milk. Then I went to pump .... nothing. A FRACTION of what I was used to getting, and as I cried and cried I admitted to myself.. I'm done. The thought of even pumping or nursing became something that made me feel naesous. I would dread when Rivi woke and needed to eat because I couldn't produce enough for him. Bc my nipples were cracked and bleeding and raw from the relentless hours of trying to make this work. The guilt of knowing I nursed Juniper for a year and wouldn't have the same relationship with Rivi.

Everything about Rivis entrance into the world has been stressful. My baby will only be this tiny once, and instead of enjoying his sweetness and cuddles and being thankful that he was finally home, I was full of anxiety over wanting him strong enough to nurse, and of me needing to pump more. Poor Rivi. And poor Juniper who sat and waited while I pumped, nursed, topped off with bottle, repeat.


There is nothing wrong with formula. This isn't a "I'm so depressed my baby is on formula" post, this is about me having a goal set (to EBF my baby) and having to give up. I felt like a quitter. But ...

The most important thing is a happy and healthy baby, and a happy and healthy mama. More importantly, a mentally healthy mama. I was sleep deprived and angry and making myself sick over breast feeding. Now that we're done, and I've used the rest of the frozen milk and transitioned to formula.. we. are. great. My baby and I are finally bonding. He's happy and fed and having much more wake time because he isn't over exerting himself at the breast. I am able to be present for both of my kids, and it feels so great.

At first I wanted to write this to justify why I quit. Instead I want to use it to say.. it's okay. We're all doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given. I wish someone would have told me it was okay instead of "pump even more!" Or "eat X Y and Z" or "your supply just isn't enough for your baby can you get donor milk?"  and "your chest is so large I can't believe they are inadequate". I felt judged and defeated and not good enough for my baby. I felt inadequate. Y'all. Im telling you. Breast milk is amazing ... but a mentally healthy mama is much more amazing for her baby. You do you, boo 😘

Thank you to my friends who have told me it is okay.  That I was doing enough. That I was enough for my babies. Thank you for checking on my baby and my mental health. Thank you for getting me through the worst. And for anyone else going through the same battle... I'm telling you... ITS OKAY.

My baby girl is 2!

I wanted to make a 2yr update for Juniper, and I want to brag on my daughter. Just a no holding back, proud mama brag blog. I want Juniper to look back on this one day and know that even though I'm hyper focused on getting Rivi home, her amazingness did not go unnoticed! These last 7.5 weeks have been insanely hard on all of us. Some days chris and I are barely getting by. That being said, I can't imagine what Juniper is going through. She doesn't have the mental capacity to understand what's going on (or does she?). We can explain all day but she doesn't know what "mommy is in hospital until further notice" means, or "mommy has to leave you and go see Rivi at doctor and when he's all better he gets to come to our house". It's all just been so much for her. She hasn't taken it totally in stride, she's given up naps, her tantrums last a little longer and are a little harder to tame, and when she's mad she's started throwing things. A lot of that is just being 2, as well.

She had her 2yr appt last week and the doctor was blown away by her vocabulary. She told the doctor all about "Baby Roovy" being with the doctor and needing boobie milk and having a bed and blankets and coming home "laler".  When it's time for me to come visit her brother she says "ok mama take Roovy milk and come back". Before all of this, mama couldn't walk out of the room to pee, much less tell her good bye. She's full of so much empathy, she doesn't like when she hears anyone crying, and when I was recovering from surgery she was so sweet and careful and helpful. "Your booboo hurt mama? I sowwy. Need doctor? Need medicine? I be doctor Juju" ❤ Melt. My. Heart.

Today she told me that her diaper hurt her vagina 😂 and that she wanted to sit on the potty. We've never discussed the potty. Life is too hectic right now to add potty training into the mix. Well daddy let her sit on the big potty and I got the little one out for her. She sat on it for a few minutes and forgot about it. This evening when I came to see "Roovy" Juniper asked daddy to take her to sit on the potty. And. She. Peed. In. It. As much as I hated to not be home for it, I'm so so proud of her! (And proud of daddy because he got a video for me 😂 and celebrated with ice cream. He's pretty good at this dad thing)

Juniper Grace you amaze me every single day. You are kind and smart and silly and strong willed to the point of exhaustion but that could just be the not napping! ;) you love to color (your face and hands) and paint and play with blocks to "build houses". Chasing Harper is your fave pastime and your current favorite foods are blueberries, pasta, and bacon 😂😩 (sweet girl you don't eat meat at all. We've tried and given up. But if daddy makes bacon you are all over it). We love you so, so much.

Finding balance.

This. Is. hard. Have you ever had something that makes you question how strong you are? Makes you think to yourself "I can't do this. How can I possibly do this. Why do I have to do this. How did this even happen?!" I thought bed rest and being away from Juniper was hard (it was) but having a baby in the NICU is far, far worse. I am so tired. I am so overwhelmed. I am so conflicted with dividing time between both of my children. I am so, so sad. I am recovering from a c section. I am pumping every 3 hours as premie babies should NOT have formula. But my supply is so low. I am stressed. I'm so thankful the hospital has donor breast milk to supplement with my own, but what about in a couple of weeks? My baby needs my milk. Leaving Rivi in the hospital when it's time to come home rips me open all over again. I stumble through the icy snowy parking lot in tears and have to pull it together when I get to the car, because the roads are far too dangerous as it is to add in my emotions.

My current day:
6:30am pump - juniper awake - play
9:30-  pump - shower - pack for hospital
12:30 - hospital - pump - cuddly my baby -
3:30 - pump and home
4- play with Juniper - start planning dinner
6:30 - Juniper bedtime and pump, then I eat
7- back to hospital
8:30- 9:30 power pump while I get to hold Rivi
9:45 -wash pump parts and head home
Sleep for an hour
11:30 pump
3:30 allow myself a 4 hour stretch, pump
6:30- awake and pump

I need sleep. I know there is an end goal, I know all the cuddles with baby will help him grow (his heart rate lowers to a steady pace and his breathing stays calm once they love him from heated bed to my chest ❤️)

The occupational therapist came in today and went over all the things to expect with a 2 month premature baby. That's when It actually hit me, I have a 2 month premature baby. Of course I knew that, but I didn't think of the long term implications. I didn't know sounds and lights and smells are 50x more vivid for a premature baby and that I'll need to limit noise and lights and get rid of candles/scented soaps/ etc. once baby is home. I didn't realize his milestones would be "two months adjusted", and when he's 2 months old we will treat him as a newborn, and 4 months as a 2 month old, so on. I'm terrified. What if I mess something up. What if my baby comes home confused and overwhelmed.

I'm exhausted. The 2.5 hours at a time that I sleep at night are restless and uncomfortable, because it's just hard to sleep cozy after abdominal surgery. My mind races with time frames and what needs to happen tomorrow.

I know I need more rest, Chris is so amazing and supportive. But mamas please tell me, when have you ever actually taken the time to "get rest"? We know our babies come first. It doesn't matter the toll.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful baby made it to 33 weeks instead of being born when my water broke at 29 weeks. I am trying to focus on how thankful I am, and not become bitter. I've questioned enough WHY did my water break. WHY did this happen. I'll never ever have those answers. But I do have a healthy tiny baby who is working hard to come home with his family.