I've spent about a week accepting this, and the same amount of time even deciding if I could share or not. But it's nothing to be ashamed of so here goes: Rivi and I's nursing journey is over. And it's heart breaking and a relief all at once. I've battled with supply since the very beginning. Super common with nicu stays and the stress level but I was so damned determined. I was taking absurds amount of fenugreek, alfalfa, malunggay leaf, lecithin DAILY, and prescribed Reglan. I ate all the oatmeal and avocados and salmon and drank so much water I couldn't stand it. I pumped every 2-3 hours and constantly had lactation remind me I wasn't making enough. I rented the hospital grade pump for 300$ plus $65 additional month.
I. Was. Making. My. Self. Crazy... and depressed.
Rivi nursed on and off for 6 hours the other night. I at first thought it was cluster feeding and then realized - he was just too weak to transfer any milk. He cried, I cried, and I gave him a bottle and felt totally defeated. But he was fed, and happy, and it was still breast milk. Then I went to pump .... nothing. A FRACTION of what I was used to getting, and as I cried and cried I admitted to myself.. I'm done. The thought of even pumping or nursing became something that made me feel naesous. I would dread when Rivi woke and needed to eat because I couldn't produce enough for him. Bc my nipples were cracked and bleeding and raw from the relentless hours of trying to make this work. The guilt of knowing I nursed Juniper for a year and wouldn't have the same relationship with Rivi.
Everything about Rivis entrance into the world has been stressful. My baby will only be this tiny once, and instead of enjoying his sweetness and cuddles and being thankful that he was finally home, I was full of anxiety over wanting him strong enough to nurse, and of me needing to pump more. Poor Rivi. And poor Juniper who sat and waited while I pumped, nursed, topped off with bottle, repeat.
There is nothing wrong with formula. This isn't a "I'm so depressed my baby is on formula" post, this is about me having a goal set (to EBF my baby) and having to give up. I felt like a quitter. But ...
The most important thing is a happy and healthy baby, and a happy and healthy mama. More importantly, a mentally healthy mama. I was sleep deprived and angry and making myself sick over breast feeding. Now that we're done, and I've used the rest of the frozen milk and transitioned to formula.. we. are. great. My baby and I are finally bonding. He's happy and fed and having much more wake time because he isn't over exerting himself at the breast. I am able to be present for both of my kids, and it feels so great.
At first I wanted to write this to justify why I quit. Instead I want to use it to say.. it's okay. We're all doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given. I wish someone would have told me it was okay instead of "pump even more!" Or "eat X Y and Z" or "your supply just isn't enough for your baby can you get donor milk?" and "your chest is so large I can't believe they are inadequate". I felt judged and defeated and not good enough for my baby. I felt inadequate. Y'all. Im telling you. Breast milk is amazing ... but a mentally healthy mama is much more amazing for her baby. You do you, boo 😘
Thank you to my friends who have told me it is okay. That I was doing enough. That I was enough for my babies. Thank you for checking on my baby and my mental health. Thank you for getting me through the worst. And for anyone else going through the same battle... I'm telling you... ITS OKAY.
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