In with the calm, out with the chaos.

Twice since Easter weekend has Rivi been in the hospital. Blood work and IVs and Mama crying helplessly as my baby is poked and prodded. Add in the worry of what the tests may show and the fear of needles and I'm basically just hyperventilating in a corner. Seeing my tiny babe all hooked up to monitors and tubes sends me right back to the NICU where I developed some real postpartum anxiety.  Last weekend we were sent to the hospital as my baby was tested for leukemia. It was a very false alarm and a bad misjudgment on the doctors behalf but it was the scariest hour of my life waiting for those results. This baby just hasn't had an easy entrance into the world. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis, amplified when he is sick, is out of control. I've recently started meditating again. Meditative breathing first thing in the morning and then focusing on what our goals are for the day. Peace. Calm. Patience. Empathy. Kindness. "In with the calm, out with the chaos". We had the best few mornings we've had in quite a while since I've started this again.... Skip ahead a few hours to Rivis routine 4 month appt as we find out that he needs surgery. I kept it together. I stayed calm. I didn't hyperventilate or cry. I asked questions and was told we can't really discuss the plan until after he has an ultrasound. It's a small surgery. (He has a  hydrocele in his testicle that has become herniated. Very common in premature boys. They warned us in the Nicu that if it didn't heal on its own and it became herniated that surgery would be required). I know we're scheduling another event where my baby will be poked and prodded and have an IV and monitors and my mama heart wants to run for a corner and scream and cry and think of how unfair this is. (While the more rational side knows that it could be worse. It could always be worse, and that life isn't fair). I've got to reach deep for some inner peace.

So there's our update. Rivi Roo you are the smiliest, happiest little love. Our family is complete with you. You're growth is right on track and the doctor isn't worried about you otherwise at. all. Your sister refers to herself as your "Super doctor Juju!" And likes to "save the day!" to keep you safe. ❤