PPD and PPA is 20-40% more likely with a baby in the Nicu. I coped okay during the actual Nicu stay, numbing those feelings down with the hospitals donuts. (😱) and getting by on sheer exhaustion, only crying during the car ride to and from home. Once Rivi came home though, the donuts were gone, his inability to nurse was real, and my sanity was GONE. I felt as if I had lost myself and was drowning in motherhood.
Before Rivi was put on reflux medicine we spent hours of our day with him screaming, whether in pain or because he was so hungry but it hurt him to eat. Add in a very jealous toddler, a Mama who didn't get a chance to take care of herself post emergency c-section, and a baby who was only quiet if he was asleep, and I was at my wits end. I cried. A lot. Breastfeeding is very important to me, and having to let that go probably causes the most anxiety. Rivi having random bouts of vomiting and ending up back in hospital, that caused a ton of anxiety. I remember around 3am one morning and Rivi had been screaming for 4 hours. I knew Juniper would be up in 3 and that I was looking at another day with zero sleep. I cried while looking out the window and seriously longed to just drive away. I clearly couldn't help my screaming baby so he would be better off without me anyways. The thoughts were so strong that I knew it was time to get help. I scheduled a PPD appt immediately. This is huge. I didn't want to be medicated. I didn't want any reason to retain/gain more weight. But my need to be healthy mentally for my children was greater than my dislike of medication and weight issues. Unfortunately for me, the doctors office really dropped the ball here. My first two appts they scheduled when the doctor wasn't even in, so when I arrived, I was went sent away. (And since getting showered, dressed, both kids happy and settled for me to go to the doctor took all day, this really sucked) The third appt was cancelled last moment. I'm so thankful that I was in an ok enough mental state to wait out these cancellations. I kept thinking "wow, if a Mama was worse off than me this could be a really, really bad thing". In the meantime I started meditating again. Not for long, just a few quiet moments through the day to focus and regroup. "In with the calm, out with the chaos" was/is my mantra. I hate yelling at Juniper. Yet I found my exhaustion huge and my patience thin and I was ashamed of how I was parenting.
My PPD/PPA felt like a black hole. Everything was a blur and I was in a very dark place. I barely remember any details from the first 2.5 months. Add in where you are *supposed* to be totally loving your new life with your sweet newborn baby and not be overwhelmed and sad and anxious, and it only worsened. I did have the blissful newborn experience with Juniper, after her nicu stay and kidney scare. We had time to stare lovingly into each other's eyes, nurse around the clock, and nap together everyday after our sleepless nights. I think this helped me to recognize I wasn't in the same place when Rivi was home. Had I not experience that with Juniper, I may not have known something was "off".
Eventually Rivi started screaming less (reflux medicine 🙌), eventually little by little I felt the black hole starting to chip away. I literally felt as if every few days a bit of light would shine back into my darkness. Maybe I was able to blow dry my hair. Maybe I got laundry and dinner and cuddles done without feeling it was all overwhelming and impossible. Maybe both kids took naps and whining was minimal. I remember about a month ago when Chris said something funny and I laughed... and it turned into crying. Happy crying. It was the first time I could recall laughing since put on bed rest in December. Another light shining through.
I found myself singing along to music again, instead of numbly going through the motions of the day, more of the darkness chipping away.
Some days are still hard. Having a toddler a a newborn is no joke. Having very few friends (who are still brand new to you) in a new state and being 2,000 miles away from family and YOUR people, the ones that get you, is really hard. I still don't complete all the tasks on my list and I still lose my patience, but the light is shining again. I'm happy and hopeful and no longer wanting to drive away into the night.
I feel as if the nicu robbed me of bonding with Rivi, and then not being able to nurse him made me feel even further away. The endless hours of screaming where I could not help or seem to comfort him made me feel like a total failure as his mother.
I felt like I dropped the ball daily (and I probably did) but there was no rebound for me then. One hard morning spiraled into a hard day, evening, and night. I recently saw a quote that read "was it really a hard day? Or was it a hard 5 minutes that you milked all day?" It's helped to remind me that we can always turn our day around.
PPD and PPA is so common, and so many moms (like me) are afraid to ask for help. Afraid to acknowledge that this job of motherhood, that our bodies are literally made for, could be so difficult. Ashamed that while others are experiencing a blissful newborn experience, we are 2 minutes away from lots of tears at any given moment.
Meditation has been my most helpful tool, I am able to calm when stressed, be in the moment, and be aware of myself when I may be slipping and not taking care of my mental health. Having a husband who although has no advice (sweet man) but will tirelessly listen to me vent and talk through my emotions really helps a ton. Of course all of my friends through txt support have been a life saver.
I'm able to appreciate the little moments again. Rivi is such a ham. He loves to give big smiles over and over until his little cheeks are red and he's just giggling! Juniper just walked past me carrying a canned la croix and a bag of chips 🙄and I had to smile at my toddler teen.
Please friends, pay attention to your mental health. Mommin IS hard, but if you find yourself feeling like you're in a very dark place, that there is no hope, or that your children are better off without you, please seek help immediately. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Our hormones are changing and we're now in charge of a baby (or a baby + siblings! 😱) and it IS overwhelming. ❤
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